TV Funhouse

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

TV Funhouse

Announcer: Next on ABC cartoons, more highlights from tis week’s “Are You Hot?”

[ cut to the “Are You Hot” set, as Betty Boop stands onstage to be judged ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. I’m loving that garter thing. The sex appeal is outstanding. I have to take some points off for the face – the head’s a little large for the body, you’ve got a real.. Elephant Man thing going there. And you need a ch.n 4.9.

[ cut to Popeye the Sailor standing onstage, mumbling incoherently behind his pipe ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. you got a great face. I think the forearms are a little big, you might want to do fewer wrist curls and start thinking about biceps. I’m only gonna give you a 5 for sex appeal, because of the mumbling. The mumbling’s a little off-putting. Sorry.

Popeye: [ speaking up for himself ] I yam what I yam. And that’s all that I yam!

[ cut to Cinderella now standing onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Oh.. my.. Lord. I’d get up and congratulate you, but I’d spill my coffee. Cinderella.. awesome body! I am cooking a burrito in my pants right now. I am growing an ear of corn down there in the vegetable garden. I’m not turning into a pumpkin, baby – I’m a cucumber! Ah! I just spilled my milkshake.. will someobdy help me out here? Wardrobe? Sorry.

[ cut to Olive Oyl standing on stage, with barely a rag wrapped around the area where she should have breasts ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, seriously – eat a cheeseburger.

[ Strawberry Shortcake now stand onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: ..And the bloomers – the Raggedy Ann hair’s a little weird, the smile – I’m sorry, it’s creeping me out, but.. that straberry smell is very sexy. I’m gonna give you a 9 for sex appeal.

[ Droopy now stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Droopy, the attitude needs to improve. You need to come up here and owm the stage, bro. Okay? Yuo need the lids tucked, I think, and the jowls, too. Man, you need to Botox the s–t out of those!

[ Marvin the Martian stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Dude, you need to get out of the tanning bed. That is way too dark.

Marvin the Martian: You have made me very angry!

Lorenzo Lamas: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna have to give you a 4 for sex appeal, because of that ‘tude. Sorry.

[ Dagwood stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, dude. This morning, how long did you spend in front of the mirror with Paul Mitchell texturizing gel, trying to give yourself that perfect bedhead. Try running into a decent salon, instead of the mailman.

[ Optimus Prime of The Transformers stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. The cheekbones are a little much. Your look is kinda cold, a little too angular.. [ Optimus Prime begins to transform into a semi ] What? No.. that’s not helping. Sorry.

[ Yosemite Sam stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, Sam. You came out here with confidence, and that was good. But, right away I’ve gotta take points off ’cause you’re three feet tall. Let me see the ass. [ Yosemite Sam turns around ] Okay, the body’s a 4.. you have a nice chest, but.. more points off for the tiny feet. Now, the face, the moustache, that’s you – I love it. But the eyebrows are a big problem. You need to put down the gun and buy a pair of tweezers.

[ Barney Rubble stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Whoa. Where do we start, bro? Haircut.. nose job.. trunk legs.. what is that, a man-dress? Can we take that off, and get the whole picture, dude? [ Barney disrobes, revealing a huge bulge in his pants ] Whoa. Okay. Alright. Respect. Now, at least I understand why you have a hot wife.

Barney Rubble: [ offended ] Hey!

[ Bam-Bam grabs Lamas by the feet and smacks him back and forth across the floor ]

Bam-Bam: Bam! Bam! Bam bam bam!

[ fade ]

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