TV Funhouse


02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

TV Funhouse

Announcer: Next on ABC cartoons, more highlights from tis week’s “Are You Hot?”

[ cut to the “Are You Hot” set, as Betty Boop stands onstage to be judged ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. I’m loving that garter thing. The sex appeal is outstanding. I have to take some points off for the face – the head’s a little large for the body, you’ve got a real.. Elephant Man thing going there. And you need a ch.n 4.9.

[ cut to Popeye the Sailor standing onstage, mumbling incoherently behind his pipe ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. you got a great face. I think the forearms are a little big, you might want to do fewer wrist curls and start thinking about biceps. I’m only gonna give you a 5 for sex appeal, because of the mumbling. The mumbling’s a little off-putting. Sorry.

Popeye: [ speaking up for himself ] I yam what I yam. And that’s all that I yam!

[ cut to Cinderella now standing onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Oh.. my.. Lord. I’d get up and congratulate you, but I’d spill my coffee. Cinderella.. awesome body! I am cooking a burrito in my pants right now. I am growing an ear of corn down there in the vegetable garden. I’m not turning into a pumpkin, baby – I’m a cucumber! Ah! I just spilled my milkshake.. will someobdy help me out here? Wardrobe? Sorry.

[ cut to Olive Oyl standing on stage, with barely a rag wrapped around the area where she should have breasts ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, seriously – eat a cheeseburger.

[ Strawberry Shortcake now stand onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: ..And the bloomers – the Raggedy Ann hair’s a little weird, the smile – I’m sorry, it’s creeping me out, but.. that straberry smell is very sexy. I’m gonna give you a 9 for sex appeal.

[ Droopy now stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Droopy, the attitude needs to improve. You need to come up here and owm the stage, bro. Okay? Yuo need the lids tucked, I think, and the jowls, too. Man, you need to Botox the s–t out of those!

[ Marvin the Martian stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Dude, you need to get out of the tanning bed. That is way too dark.

Marvin the Martian: You have made me very angry!

Lorenzo Lamas: Wow. Okay, I’m gonna have to give you a 4 for sex appeal, because of that ‘tude. Sorry.

[ Dagwood stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, dude. This morning, how long did you spend in front of the mirror with Paul Mitchell texturizing gel, trying to give yourself that perfect bedhead. Try running into a decent salon, instead of the mailman.

[ Optimus Prime of The Transformers stands onstage ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay. The cheekbones are a little much. Your look is kinda cold, a little too angular.. [ Optimus Prime begins to transform into a semi ] What? No.. that’s not helping. Sorry.

[ Yosemite Sam stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Okay, Sam. You came out here with confidence, and that was good. But, right away I’ve gotta take points off ’cause you’re three feet tall. Let me see the ass. [ Yosemite Sam turns around ] Okay, the body’s a 4.. you have a nice chest, but.. more points off for the tiny feet. Now, the face, the moustache, that’s you – I love it. But the eyebrows are a big problem. You need to put down the gun and buy a pair of tweezers.

[ Barney Rubble stands onstage now ]

Lorenzo Lamas: Whoa. Where do we start, bro? Haircut.. nose job.. trunk legs.. what is that, a man-dress? Can we take that off, and get the whole picture, dude? [ Barney disrobes, revealing a huge bulge in his pants ] Whoa. Okay. Alright. Respect. Now, at least I understand why you have a hot wife.

Barney Rubble: [ offended ] Hey!

[ Bam-Bam grabs Lamas by the feet and smacks him back and forth across the floor ]

Bam-Bam: Bam! Bam! Bam bam bam!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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