The Channel 5 Late Night Movie
Cop #1…..Jimmy Fallon
Cop #2…..Horatio Sanz
Black Man…..Tracy Morgan
Carl Denham…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: Welcome back to Channel 5’s Late Night Movie. We rejoin tonight’s feature: the original director’s cut of the 1933 classic, “King Kong”.
[ open on stock footage of King Kong climbing a tall building ]
[ cut to a pair of cops standing on the street below, looking up at the action ]
Cop #1: Holy cat! King Kong is climbing that building!
Cop #2: Look how big he is!
Cop #1: He must be fifty-feet tall!
Cop #2: Yeahh.. but that’s not what I.. what I meant.. I was talkin’ about his, uh.
Cop #1: Oh…
Cop #2: You know..
Cop #1: Wow! He is well-endowed, yeah..
Cop #2: I mean, even for a fifty-foot ape, that thing is gigantic!
Cop #1: Yeah..
Cop #2: Huge!
Cop #1: Yeah..
Cop #2: Enormous!
Cop #1: Easy.
Cop #2: I mean, when you look up, you can’t help but notice it!
[ King Kong roars offscreen ]
Cop #1: Hey, look – King Kong is lookin’ in that woman’s window! Uh-oh! I think he likes what he sees..
Cop #2: Oh.. that’s not a banana in his pocket, either.. He’s happy to see her!
Cop #1: Oh, no.. I feel sorry for the people who live in the apartment below.
[ cut to the apartment below, where Black Man sits in his easychair trying to read his newspaper. He looks up to discover the elongated, furry shaft of King Kong, but can’t determine its true identity. ]
Black Man: What the hell?!
Wife: What’s going on out there, honey?
Black Man: I was just sittin’ there, readin’ my paper, the next thing you know there’s a giant Tootsie roll in our living room!
Wife: That’s not a Tootsie Roll, stupid!
Black Man: Well, how am I supposed to know what is is?!
Wife: [ reaches her arm up and touches the mysterious object ] Mmm.. you should feel this.. [ taps on the sideof it, demonstrating its density ] It’s really hard and warm..
Black Man: Well, maybe that lady upstairs is remodeling her place, and-and-and it’s a giant roll of carpet!
Wife: Well, help me get it out!
Black Man: Now, just relax, someone will come by and get it in a minute!
Wife: Oh, no.. I’m gonna move it!
[ Wife grabs at the bottom of Kong’s shaft with both hands, and attempts to drag them across. The shaft doesn’t move, but Kong can be heard outside writing in ecstasy ]
Wife: [ observing the noises ] What was that?
Black Man: I didn’t hear anything.
Wife: Well.. honey, get over here and help me push this thing out!
[ disgusted, Black Man puts his paper aside, gets up and helps his Wife try to drag the shaft out the window. Even with four hands in action, the shaft barely moves an inch, thogh the noises coming from outside indicate that Kong is pleased about the situation at hand. ]
[ cut back to the two cops observing from the street below ]
Cop #2: Uh-oh! Somebody’s got a big grin on his face!
Cop #1: That’s the happiest monkey I ever seen!
Cop #2: Wonder what’s goin’ on there, Bart?
[ cut back to the apartment ]
Wife: I swear.. the more we pull on this thing, the more it grows!
Black Man: Wait a minute.. wait a minute.. let me look out the window and see if it’s caught on anything! [ looks out the window ]
Wife: Can you see anything?
Black Man: Oh, damn! She must be hoisting up furniture!
Black Man: Yeah! There’s two fuzzy beanbag chairs here!
Wife: [ disgusted ] She must be redoing the whole apartment! And look at us, we don’t have anything new!
Black Man: Wait a minute.. I’m gonna grab one of the beanbag chairs, while you pull on it. Now, I think we can release it!
[ they pull harder at the shaft, sending Kong to climax ]
Wife: There is that noise again!
Black Man: It’s probably the construction crane! Keep pulling!
Wife: But my arms are gettin’ tired, honey!
Black Man: We’re almost there! Keep goin’!
Wife: Hurry up!
Black Man: Now! It’s startin’ to loosen up! I think we got it!
[ cut back to the cops watching fom the street ]
Cop #1: [ laughing ] God, that monkey’s making the goofiest face I ever seen!
[ sounds of Kong calming down from his excitement ]
Cop #1: Now he looks kinda guilty.. now he’s leavin’.
Cop #2: Aw, that’s cute! Now King Kong’s goin’ over to that billboard, and rippin’ pff that giant cigarette!
Cop #1: Oh, yeah!
Cop #2: Now he’s gonna go relax in the box!
Cop #1: You know what I bet happened? The planes scared him off!
[ expedition leader Carl Denham emerges from the shadows ]
Carl Denham: No, it wasn’t the airplanes, fellas. ‘Twas beauty.. that calmed the beast.
[ fade to black ]