Salma Hayek’s Monologue
…..male cast members
Salma Hayek: Thank you! I am so excited to be here! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about doing this show.. but the guys have been so nice to me. They’ve been offering me drinks, offrering me massages – a lot of massages.. Actually..
[ Chris Kattans enters stage suddenly, dressed like an 80’s rocker ]
Chris Kattan: Hey, Salma. How are you?
Salma Hayek: Oh.. hi, Chris.. hi. what’s with the outfit?
Chris Kattan: What? This? Oh. It’s nothing, actually.. it’s, uh.. okay. Well, it’s a little embarrassing. Actually, I’ve had a crush on you for a while now.. and, uh.. I just wanted to.. share my feelings with you.. if that’s okay..
Salma Hayek: Oh.. sure..
[ suddenly, Chris breaks into song – Pat Benetar’s classic “We Belong” ]
Salma Hayek: Very sweet.. but as I told you on Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday – actually, I’ve told you every day this week – you’re very nice, but I’m just not interested.
Chris Kattan: Ri- what? Oh! no.. no.. I came up here to congratulate you on your Oscar nomination! And, uh.. you know, in case you’re interested, I do own my own tux-e-do!
Salma Hayek: Thank you, Chris, but I.. I.. I’ve actually got someone.
Chris Kattan: Oh! Right! Ed Norton! Edward Norton! Very fine actor! Right! Okay. But, you know, think about it.
Salma Hayek: Okay. Great. Go. I’ll think about it.
Chris Kattan: Okay! [ exits stage ]
Salma Hayek: [ to audience ] I will not think about it. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s great to be here in New York. Yesterday, I was in-
[ Chris Kattan jumps back onstage with a full backing 80’s look-a-like band, as they break back into “We Belong” ]
Salma Hayek: [ stopping them ] Chris! What’s going on here?!
Chris Kattan: This? Oh.. this is, uh.. my band.. we’re a Pat Benetar cover band?
Chris Kattan: Yeah! We’re called Shadows Of The Night! [ breaks into cover version of “Shadows Of The Night” ]
Salma Hayek: [ stopping him ] You’re embarrasing yourself, you don’t let me do my monologue.. just get out of here!
Chris Kattan: Okay, you’re right.. you’re absolutely right. God! You’re so right.. I’m sorry. Guys, let’s go..
[ the band disassembles and exits the stage ]
Salma Hayek: You’re always trying to upstage me.. [ looks funny at the one of the band members trying to walk away ] Hey! You.
Edward Norton: [ in British accent ] Oh, uh.. me?
Salma Hayek: Yeah. Come over here. Edward? Is that you?
Edward Norton: What? No! No, I just play the bass, man!
Salma Hayek: What are you doing here?
Edward Norton: Well.. I don’t know.. after I saw how well Keanu Reeves did with his music career.. I decided to quit acting and follow my dreams of rock glory, you know?
Salma Hayek: Quit that accent!
Edward Norton: [ suddenly drops the accent ] Yeah, you’re right.. it’s stupid, I’m sorry.. Well, you know, we didn’t want to mess up your monologue, but we did.. we rehearsed the song for, like, five weeks..
Salma Hayek: Oh, I can’t believe it..
Edward Norton: What? I told you I liked Pat Benetar when we met..
Salma Hayek: No, I cant believe youve been rehearsing for five weeks! You suck!
Edward Norton: Oh.. Well.. uh.. I’ll go home, then, and get dressed for the Oscars.
Salma Hayek: Alright, alright.. get back in here, sing your stupid song..
[ the cover band returns to the stage and breaks back into their version of “We Belong” ]
Salma Hayek: We have a GREAT show!! Christina Aguilera is with us!!