Salma Hayek’s Monologue


02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Salma Hayek’s Monologue

…..Salma Hayek
…..Chris Kattan
…..Horatio Sanz
…..male cast members

Salma Hayek: Thank you! I am so excited to be here! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about doing this show.. but the guys have been so nice to me. They’ve been offering me drinks, offrering me massages – a lot of massages.. Actually..

[ Chris Kattans enters stage suddenly, dressed like an 80’s rocker ]

Chris Kattan: Hey, Salma. How are you?

Salma Hayek: Oh.. hi, Chris.. hi. what’s with the outfit?

Chris Kattan: What? This? Oh. It’s nothing, actually.. it’s, uh.. okay. Well, it’s a little embarrassing. Actually, I’ve had a crush on you for a while now.. and, uh.. I just wanted to.. share my feelings with you.. if that’s okay..

Salma Hayek: Oh.. sure..

[ suddenly, Chris breaks into song – Pat Benetar’s classic “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: Very sweet.. but as I told you on Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday – actually, I’ve told you every day this week – you’re very nice, but I’m just not interested.

Chris Kattan: Ri- what? Oh! no.. no.. I came up here to congratulate you on your Oscar nomination! And, uh.. you know, in case you’re interested, I do own my own tux-e-do!

Salma Hayek: Thank you, Chris, but I.. I.. I’ve actually got someone.

Chris Kattan: Oh! Right! Ed Norton! Edward Norton! Very fine actor! Right! Okay. But, you know, think about it.

Salma Hayek: Okay. Great. Go. I’ll think about it.

Chris Kattan: Okay! [ exits stage ]

Salma Hayek: [ to audience ] I will not think about it. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s great to be here in New York. Yesterday, I was in-

[ Chris Kattan jumps back onstage with a full backing 80’s look-a-like band, as they break back into “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: [ stopping them ] Chris! What’s going on here?!

Chris Kattan: This? Oh.. this is, uh.. my band.. we’re a Pat Benetar cover band?

Chris Kattan: Yeah! We’re called Shadows Of The Night! [ breaks into cover version of “Shadows Of The Night” ]

Salma Hayek: [ stopping him ] You’re embarrasing yourself, you don’t let me do my monologue.. just get out of here!

Chris Kattan: Okay, you’re right.. you’re absolutely right. God! You’re so right.. I’m sorry. Guys, let’s go..

[ the band disassembles and exits the stage ]

Salma Hayek: You’re always trying to upstage me.. [ looks funny at the one of the band members trying to walk away ] Hey! You.

Edward Norton: [ in British accent ] Oh, uh.. me?

Salma Hayek: Yeah. Come over here. Edward? Is that you?

Edward Norton: What? No! No, I just play the bass, man!

Salma Hayek: What are you doing here?

Edward Norton: Well.. I don’t know.. after I saw how well Keanu Reeves did with his music career.. I decided to quit acting and follow my dreams of rock glory, you know?

Salma Hayek: Quit that accent!

Edward Norton: [ suddenly drops the accent ] Yeah, you’re right.. it’s stupid, I’m sorry.. Well, you know, we didn’t want to mess up your monologue, but we did.. we rehearsed the song for, like, five weeks..

Salma Hayek: Oh, I can’t believe it..

Edward Norton: What? I told you I liked Pat Benetar when we met..

Salma Hayek: No, I can’t believe you’ve been rehearsing for five weeks! You suck!

Edward Norton: Oh.. Well.. uh.. I’ll go home, then, and get dressed for the Oscars.

Salma Hayek: Alright, alright.. get back in here, sing your stupid song..

[ the cover band returns to the stage and breaks back into their version of “We Belong” ]

Salma Hayek: We have a GREAT show!! Christina Aguilera is with us!!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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