Top O’ The Morning
Patrick Fitzwilliam…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Bar Patron…..Horatio Sanz
Brendan Maloney…..Darrell Hammond
[ show station identification slide ]
Announcer: You’re watching RET-2, Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 in the a.m., and next up is “Top O’ The Morning”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.[ cue Irish music, dissolve to bar area of talk show set ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: It’s 9:30 in the AM, welcome to “Top O’ The morning”. I’m your host, Patrick Fitzwilliam.
William Fitpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes, so save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Save it!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Save it!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Put it in the Tupperware, burp it, and save it!
William Fitzpatrick: Today’s show is brought to you by Ireland’s #1 remedy for female sexual dysfunction.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Men have Viagra, finally.. there’s something for women – Jameson’s Irish Whiskey.
William Fitzpatrick: Gets you in the mood every time! Now, let’s start the show by saying..
Together: Happy St. Patrick’s Day to ya, cheers!!
William Fitzpatrick: And a Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you, too.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I am not talking to ya.
William Fitzpatrick: And why not?
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’ll tell ya why.As we all know, St. Patrick is known for driving serpents out of Ireland. In honor of that, my genius friend over here decided to release over 55 snakes into the bar!
William Fitzpatrick: In my defense, none of the snakes are poisonous![ a burly bar patron runs past the camera, looking straight at the viewers in horror as a snake clutches into his neck, then he runs back off frame ]
William Fitzpatrick: Fair enough. Maybe one or two of them are poisonous.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Theres a bloody gaboon viper wrapped around the jukebox. [ camera reveals snake sitting on the jukebox ] He keeps playing “Crocodile Rock” – I cant take it any more!
William Fitzpatrick: Well, I’m so sorry that I love the Patron Saint of our great land so much! I thought you might like him, too, considering your mother named you after him!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Aye, she did. God rest her soul. [ almost cries ] Not here.. not now..
William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together..
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here – in front of the snakes.. not now..
William Fitpatrick: You’re on TV, pull yourself together.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here.. not now.. I’m done.
William Fitpatrick: You’re better?
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yes.
William Fitpatrick: Have a shot. [ holds up shot glass ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers. [ takes shot glass ]
William Fitzpatrick: Cheers.[ they drop their shots, as bar patron Brenda Maloney walks up with a huge patch taped over his crotch ]
William Fitzpatrick: Brendan Maloney! What’s happened?! Did the snake getcha?
Brendan Maloney: I wish.. Don’t ever call Alfie over there a leprechaun.[ cut to Alfie, who growls at Brendan ]
Brendan Maloney: It’s like he sharpens his teeth! [ waks away ]
William Fitzpatrick: Hey, Patrick! Did you know that one of these snakes is actually Irish?
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah, which one?
William Fitzpatrick: That one. [ points ] [ camera reveals snake with his head in a glass of whiskey, who empties it in seconds flat ]
Together: [ clinking their shot glasses ] Cheers, snake!! [ they chug their shots ]
William Fitzpatrick: Alright, we’re very excited to being out our first guest – my new girlfriend, Rosa.[ Rosa enters set to Irish music introduction, and kisses William ]
Rosa: Happy St. Patricka Dayyyyyy!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I can’t believe it! Rosa bloody Gonzalez! How can you dating her? She doesnt have an Irish bone in her body?
Rosa: Ooohhh.. sometimes I do! It’s twice a week – if he hasn’t been drinking too much.
William Fitzpatrick: What can I say – I’m an animal. And, for the record, her name is Rosa O. Gonzalez.
Rosa: The O. stands for “Ortega”.
William Fitzpatrick: You’re not helping.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I don’t know how you can date a Mexican. They tan in the sun, their food is.. delicious, and they can’t hold their liquor.
Rosa: Cant hold our liquor?! Hey, Im Mexican – I piss lighter fluid! Let’s go, let’s have some Tequila. [ holds bottle up ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: How dare you drink Tequila on Ireland’s holiest of days!
William Fitzpatrick: She has a sister.
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Welcome to the family, when can I meet her?
William Fitzpatrick: Now’s the time to honor one of Ireland’s oldest traditions – getting angry for no good reason. As always, let’s take it over to our old friend, the Punching Wall.[ the three of them amble over to the fabled punching wall ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I should warn ya, I’m in a great mood right now. There’s literally nothing you can say that would make me punch a hole through the slate wall.
William Fitzpatrick: [ without missing a beat ] England![ Patrick punches a huge hole into the wall, as a couple snakes scurry out ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Next year, no snakes!
William Fitzpatrick: Agreed.
Rosa: Irish are so violent. We Mexicans don’t have such fiery tempers.
William Fitzpatrick: Oh, really? Uh.. didn’t Mexico get knocked out of the World Cup by the United States?[ with that, Rosa goes berserk, punching holes into the wall, swining barstools around the bar and creating great chaos ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: She’s a keeper!
William Fitzpatrick: Yeah, she’s a winner!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah!
William Fitzpatrick: [ to camera ] Well, that’s about all the time we have!
Patrick Fitzwilliam: Gaboon viper, hit it![ camera swings over to the jukebox, where the viper gets another play of “Crocodile Rock” revved up ]
Patrick Fitzwilliam: I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!
William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!
Together: Top O’ The Morning” to ya!![ fade ]