Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Fericito…..Fred Armisen
Lupe…..Salma Hayek
Avril Lavigne…..Amy Poehler
Gollum…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Despite the Bush administration’s request for a UN vote on Iraq Friday, they have once again pushed the deadline back. The new UN deadline is March 61st.

The U.S. military exploded a new 21,000 pound mega-bomb, the largest non-nuclear weapon in history, over Florida Tuesday. Minutes after the explosion, florida agreed to disarm.

In protest to France’s opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. congress’ cafeteria has changed French Fries and French Toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast. Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started Freedom Kissing each other.

Tina Fey: In a related story, in France, American Cheese is now referred to as Idiot Cheese.

Jimmy Fallon: Trust me! They’re laughing at us! French fries aren’t even French! They’re Belgian. Some American guy named thm wrong, to begin with. Also, Americans – they’re pouring bottles of French wine down the toilet. Stop it! You already paid for the wine, you dopes! Pee in the wine, and sel it to some French people! Then, you’re doing something!

Tina Fey: Yeah! And, you know, don’t think that by eating Freedom Fries, you’re being patriotic and helping the war effort. Use less gasoline! Read a newspaper! You know? How about you cool it with the Freedom Fries, anyway, you fat asses! We’re the fattest, country in the world! Have you ever walked around an American mall? It’s nothing but Chick-Fil-A’s and Lane Bryant track suits busting at the seams!

Together: Do something!!

Don Pardo V/O: This has been Jimmy & Tina Yelling At America.

Christiane Kittel, a 24-year old woman awoke from her 7-year coma, after she was taken to a Bryan Adams concert. Okay, so that’s one. But why was everyone else at the Bryan Adam concert in a coma?

The Dixie Chicks angered country music fans Thursday, when lead singer Natalie Mains told a London audience, “Just so you know, we’re ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas.” Ifyou’d like to her more of what Natalie Maines has to say, check out the new government wiretap on all of her phones.

Jimmy Fallon: Here now, all the way from South America, are Venezeulan nightclub comedians Fericito and Lupe!

Fericito: [ banging drums ] Did you feel it?! [ audience applauds ] I said, Did you feel it?! [ audience applauds louder ] I’m Fericito, and I’m a nightclub comedian from Venezuela.

Lupe: And I’m Lupe!

Fericito: Say, Lupe.. isn’t it wonderful to be here on Sabado Night Live! We have the most comfortable dressing room! I must have spent an hour on the toilet!

Lupe: Fericito, there is no toilet in our dressing room.

Fericito: [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ shakes caracas ] Ay, pipa!

Fericito: Awww.. so, anyway, yesterday, Lupe and I were in California. Lupe. Did you feel that earthquake last night?

Lupe: I did a good job pretending I felt one! [ winks ]

Fericito: [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ shakes caracas ] Ay, pipa!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, uh.. Fericito.. aren’t you going to introduce us?

Fericito: Oh, how rude of me. Allow me to introduce my new wife – and comedy sidekick – Lupe Muniz!

Lupe: Hola, Jimmy! Hola, Tina Fey! Uh.. Jimmy? You mean, Tina is your comedy sidekick and wife?

Tina Fey: Oh, no, no, no! We’re not married.. we’re just, like, partners.

Fericito: Ohhhhh… Himmy! Tina Fey! You sohuld really think about getting married! It’s more

Tina Fey: How is it more professional?

Fericito: People only want to see a man and a woman do comedy, if they are married! Like Lucille Ball and Desi Arnez!

Lupe: Like Howie Long and Teri Hatcher!

Jimmy Fallon: They-they’re not married..

Tina Fey: No..

Fericito: Look! Himmy! Excuse me. Doing comedy is like making love to your wife, okay? You sweat a lot.. you make funny faces.. and.. if you’re bad, the audience demands their money back! [ bangs a rim shot on the drums ] Oh, Dios Mio!

Lupe: [ fuming ] Fericito, this is not funny! Why do you talk about this things on television?

Fericito: Oh, Lupe.. it’s just a yoke, it’s a comedy show..

Lupe: Oh, no, Fericito.. These things are passionate. Our mothers are watching. Sometimes you just make me want to scream! [ angrily drops her caracas on top of the drums and folds her arms ] I’m just KEEEEEDING!!!

Fericito: [ bangs his drums with joy ]

Jimmy Fallon: Fericito, Lupe, everybody!

Tina Fey: It’s been reported that more and more Americans are using search engines like Google.com to locate and contact their ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. This is no use to me, however, because everyone I’ve ever dated has ended up dead!

A dog groomer in Nebraska has reported to the police for allegedly giving a poosdle a bad haircut. In other news: Osama bin Laden is still at large.

A Chicago man tried to rob a jewelry store by swallowing a 3-karat diamond ring, valued at more than $37,000. The man said swallowing the diamond ring was all part of his plan to ask his proctologist to marry him.

[ a knock is heard offscreen ]

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I think somebody’s at the Update door.

Tina Fey: Well, whoever might it be. [ stands up to answer the door ] Oh! Look, Jimmy! It’s teen punk-pop sensation Avril Lavigne! Hey, Avril!

Avril Lavigne: F you, Jimmy! F you, Tina! [ makes a scowl ]

Tina Fey: Watch your language, Avril!

Avril Lavigne: No, I won’t watch my language! [ begins singing from “Complicated” ]

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, okay.. settle down..

Avril Lavigne: NO!!! I’m a punk rocker! I’m wearing a boy’s tanktop! Look at my mad face! Bleaaah!! F it up! Suck it! Look! Watch! [ holds her hand up menacingly ] That’s the English middle finger! Wrap your minds around that! I don’t know who David.. Bow-ie is.. or the Sex.. Pie-stols.. I’m, like, 17, and they’re, like, 100! So.. [ makes mad face ] ..bleaaahh!!

Tina Fey: Avril, do you have anything relevant to say..?

Avril Lavigne: I’m MAAAAD!! I have a paperclip! And put it in my ear!! I don’t give a F! ‘Cause I’m pissed!! And I’m a punk!

Tina Fey: Okay, time to go.. time to go..

Avril Lavigne: Fine! I will go! But just remember, wherever you are: “I’m with you-ou-ou!!”

Jimmy Fallon: Avril Lavigne, everybody.. Avril Lavigne..

A professor at the University of Wisconsin says he’s found a way to take the bitterness out of chedder cheese. Now, if he can only find a way to remove the arrogance from Wheat Thins.

A Texas man accused of abusing his stepson was ordered by a judge to spend thirty nights sleeping in a doghouse. That way, when the thirty days are over and the judge isn’t around, he’ll be really nice to his stepson!

Tina Fey: The 75th Annual Academy Awards will be held a week from tomorrow in Los Angeles, ending months of speculation over who will win an Oscar, the most coveted statue in the world.

Jimmy Fallon: That’s right, Tina. Check it out. We just happen to have one of those babies here on loan from the Academy. [ rwaches under Update desk ] Or, at least, it should be here.. [ finding nothing ] Oh, my God!

Tina Fey: What?

Jimmy Fallon: The Oscar.. it’s gone.. someone took it..

Tina Fey: Well, who would want to do that?

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t know.. Tracy.. Horatio.. I don’t know..

[ Gollum, from “The Lord of the Rings” jumps atop the Update desk ]

Gollum: The precious! We want that! We deserve that!

Jimmy & Tina: Gollum!!

Jimmy Fallon: I should have known it was you.

Gollum: The precious! We love the precious!

Jimmy Fallon: Gollum, that Oscar has to be returned to the Academy Awards. Speaking of which.. who are your picks this year?

Gollum: Julianne Moore should win Best Actresses! [ turns head ] No! Julianne Moore should win Best Supporting Actresses! [ turns head back ] Hoo-oo-oo-oohhh! We loved “Gangs of New York”! [ turns head ] Hmm.. really? Do you think Oscar says his best work? [ turns head back ] Hoo-oo-oo-oohhh! No, you’re right.. they’re just giving him props for all the times he was overlooked!

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, okay, okay.. it’s time to go. Hey.. by the way.. who’s your big date for the night?

Gollum: I’m bringing my mother! But, God, I’m not gay!

Tina Fey: Gollum, everybody! He’s not gay.

ABC’s “All My Children” will break a daytime TV taboo, when it features the first-ever lesbian love scene. Hoping it’s a success, other soaps are ocnsidering gay spin-offs, such as: “The Bald & The Beautiful”, “As The World Turns Over”, “Pork Charles”, and, of course, say it with me: “Genital Hospital”.

Tina Fey: St. Patrick’s Day is on Monday. Here with some thoughts on the celebration of all things Irish, is our own Jimmy Fallon!

Jimmy Fallon: [ holding guitar ] St. Patrick’s Day is coming up, and I can’t wait! I love it! As you know, you don’t have to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. Last year, I went to my favorite Irish bar, and I was the only Irish guy there.

[ singing to the tune of John Mayer’s “Your Body Is A Wonderland” ]

“There’s a rabbi with a shillelagh
There’s a McCormack named Sean.
There’s an Indian dude playing bagpipes
There’s a Chinese leprechaun.

Nobody’s here from Ireland!
Nobody’s here from Ireland, that’s for sure.
Nobody’s here from Ireland!
Nobody’s here from Ireland!”

It’s fun, uh.. people dance, they sing.. they drink. Uh.. and I have a favorite drink, uh..

[ singing to the tune of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” ]

“St. Patrick’s Day, I think it’s wonderful
The day is here, for Guinness Beer.
Guinness Beer, you’re mysterious
I pour you out, then wait an hour
You are beautiful, I drank a case today!
Now I weigh 300 pounds
So won’t you drink one down?
Won’t you drink one down?

Of course, there’s a big parade that goes up 5th Ave., but there’s still this controversy about not letting everybody march.

[ singing to the tune of Coldplay’s “Clocks” ]

“Bagpipes start to play
You can march, unless you’re gay
Singing many different shades of green
Don’t mess with an angry queen.

Singing let them march, and you will know
Gay guys make better floats.
Singing coo-oo-oo-ool float.
Coo-oo-oo-ool float.”

Please remember that, uh.. this holiday can be a lot of fun, uh.. don’t drink too much, okay?

[ singing to the tune of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself” ]

You only have one shot!
After 6 pints of Amstel, 3 Budweisers,
2 beers I never heard of – microbrews.
Plus 1 Seagram’s wine cooler you stole out of some girl’s backpack.
Then you ate everything you saw at the parade.
Could you digest it?
Or lose control of your bodily functions.

Yo, my palms are sweaty.
Corned beef, canned confetti
Falling on my sweater already.
Green confetti I’m bupring, But on purpose I keep forgettin’ to throw up

I don’t think my brain will let me hold it down.
Now, I’m bending over, it won’t come out
Time’s up! Over! Blast!
And back comes the cabbage
There goes shamrocks
Some wasted sandwiches
I hope there’s no cameras
Oh, a weak bladder
I won’t until it don’t matter
I’ll clean it next Saturday
Puke yourself in the bathroom..”

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey! And that’s Jimmy Fallon! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ Jimmy continues to play his guitar, and a gangster sneaks up behind him and steals his pencil ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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