Versace Oscar Special
Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Joel Royce…..Amy Poehler
Ricardo Ferost…..Fred Armisen
Michael Jackson…..Dean Edwards
Announcer: Versace extravagance decadence Donatella Versace
(SUPER: Versace Oscar Fashion Preview. Cut into a scene of four half naked studs carrying in Versace on a stretcher)
Donatella Versace: Ah hello everybody. It’s my Oscar Fashion Preview coming to you live from my boutique over Roseo Drive.
Adrianna: Hello Donatella.
Donatella Versace: Who the hell are you?!
Adrianna: Like I’ve told you the other fifty times we’ve met, I’m Adrianna, the head of operations for all of your stores in California.
Donatella Versace: Well, right now you’re the head of getting me some more champagne!
Adrianna: Boys! (She claps her hands and the guys light Versace a cigarette and fill her glass)
Donatella Versace: Mmm thank you. Now tell me again why I am her today?
Adrianna: Donatella, it’s time to pick the Oscar dresses for the actresses.
Donatella Versace: AAAHH!! Actresses!! Gross!!! (She tries to run away, but is grabbed by the nimble Adrianna) Let go bitch!
Adrianna: No, no, no, no, no, you have to work, we have work to do. (Continues to restrain Versace)
Donatella Versace: I’m not going to bitch, I’m serious!
Adrianna: Bitch, I’m more serious! (She gives Versace a huge slap)
Donatella Versace: (she recoils then faces back the audience, smiling) That was fantastic. Now tell me which ones are coming in, WHICH ONES!!!
(Adrianna grabs a notebook, opens it, and begins to read)
Adrianna: We have Meryl Streep.
Donatella Versace: Pantsuit.
Adrianna: Salma Hayek.
Donatella Versace: Sweater dress, off-the-shoulder, with “Donatella” written on the ass in sequins.
Adrianna: Nicole Kidman
Donatella Versace: Strapless leather micro-mini with peek-a-boo cutouts.
Adrianna: Kathy Bates
Donatella Versace: Douve cover! From the Versace home collection.
Adrianna: Sharon Stone
Versace: Straitjacket and tights.
(A guy and girl enter the boutique wearing secret-service-like headphones over their ears)
Joel: Hello, hi, we’re here to pick up a dress for Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Ricardo: Yeah, CZJ needs a gown.
Joel: (speaking into her headphone) Yeah, what? Catherine?
Ricardo: (also speaking into headphone) Perfect.
Ricardo: Sounds excellent
Joel: You got it.
Ricardo: That’s funny.
Joel: ZJ, that’s great.
Ricardo: Great idea.
(they stop speaking into the headphones)
Joel: Hi, I’m Joel Royce and this is, um
Ricardo: Hey, I’m Ricardo Ferost for Catherine Zeta-Jones’ people.
Donatella Versace: Great. You bitches put your heads together, eh?
Together: (obeying) Okay
Donatella Versace: Now take tiny, baby steps towards me.
Together: (coming forward) Alright
Donatella Versace: Little closer, a little closer. (Her head is millimeters away from theirs, she begins whispering) You tell that bitch that I need to see her pregnant Zeta-ass in person, but also tell that mofo that I love her so much, and when she comes back if she could just bring me a hotdog? Please? Just a small one with a little relish (directly into their ears) NOW GET OUT!!!
(They quickly retreat outside the boutique, just as Michael Jackson comes in)
Adrianna: Donatella, I don’t mean to alarm you, but Michael Jackson’s at the door.
Donatella Versace: Who??
Adrianna: Michael Jackson!
Donatella Versace: Oh no, that crazy bitch. What should we do? Hide?
Adrianna: No, that doesn’t work with him. Let’s pretend we’re mannequins!
Donatella Versace: Okay.
(They both position themselves into stylish model poses, Versace still with her cigarette and champagne bottle)
Michael Jackson: Hello? Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO!! YOO-HOO!!! I wanna buy some stuff (fingering Adrianna’s hair) I wanna buy these two mannequins! Yoo-hoo!
Donatella Versace: (not moving from position) They’re not for sale!
Michael Jackson: Okay bye mannequins! Halloo! Bye HALLOO mannequins!! Bye mannequins HOO-HOO!!!
(They break their poses)
Adrianna: Okay, he’s gone.
Versace: Thank God.
Adriann: Thank God.
Donatella Versace: So what do we do now, fold sweaters?
Adrianna: No, we actually have to keep going over the dresses for the Oscars.
Donatella Versace: Alright.
(Christina Aguilera enters)
Christina Aguilera: Donatella! (singing) You are beautiful
Donatella Versace: Christina! (drunkenly singing) You are beautiful oh my God, I’m loving you! It’s the beautiful new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera! You are my baby, ah? Yes, I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on your little back like a tiny baby. Then I can burp you, and put a little powder on your bottom
Adrianna: (separating them) Don’t be a weirdo, Donatella.
Donatella Versace: Okay
Adrianna: Hi, Christina darling, what can we do for you?
Christina Aguilera: I’m actually going to an Oscar party, and I need something glamorous to wear.
Donatella Versace: Oh, anything for you, here you go. (She rips off her dress, revealing a white bra and what appears to be a puffy blue diaper, and gives it to Christina)
Christina Aguilera: Donatella, you dirty bitch! This is beautiful!
Donatella Versace: (waving her off) Ah you’re the beautiful bitch!
Adrianna: You’re both beautiful bitches! (she drapes her arms over both)
Donatella Versace: Ah we are all beautiful bitches, ah? Now let’s go to my private and jet and go to that fancy McDonald’s in Monte Carlo.
(They exit and the half-naked guys start dancing again while the SUPER: VERSACE’S OSCAR FASHION PREVIEW reappears)
Thanks to Minhquan Nguyen for this transcript!