Versace Oscar Special

02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

Versace Oscar Special

Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
Adrianna…..Salma Hayek
Joel Royce…..Amy Poehler
Ricardo Ferost…..Fred Armisen
Michael Jackson…..Dean Edwards
…..Christina Aguilera


Announcer: Versace…extravagance…decadence…Donatella Versace

(SUPER: Versace Oscar Fashion Preview. Cut into a scene of four half naked studs carrying in Versace on a stretcher)

Donatella Versace: Ah…hello everybody. It’s my Oscar Fashion Preview coming to you live from my boutique over Roseo Drive.

Adrianna: Hello Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Who the hell are you?!

Adrianna: Like I’ve told you the other fifty times we’ve met, I’m Adrianna, the head of operations for all of your stores in California.

Donatella Versace: Well, right now you’re the head of getting me some more champagne!

Adrianna: Boys! (She claps her hands and the guys light Versace a cigarette and fill her glass)

Donatella Versace: Mmm…thank you. Now tell me again why I am her today?

Adrianna: Donatella, it’s time to pick the Oscar dresses for the actresses.

Donatella Versace: AAAHH!! Actresses!! Gross!!! (She tries to run away, but is grabbed by the nimble Adrianna) Let go bitch!

Adrianna: No, no, no, no, no, you have to work, we have work to do. (Continues to restrain Versace)

Donatella Versace: I’m not going to bitch, I’m serious!

Adrianna: Bitch, I’m more serious! (She gives Versace a huge slap)

Donatella Versace: (she recoils then faces back the audience, smiling) That was fantastic. Now tell me which ones are coming in, WHICH ONES!!!

(Adrianna grabs a notebook, opens it, and begins to read)

Adrianna: We have…Meryl Streep.

Donatella Versace: Pantsuit.

Adrianna: Salma Hayek.

Donatella Versace: Sweater dress, off-the-shoulder, with “Donatella” written on the ass in sequins.

Adrianna: Nicole Kidman

Donatella Versace: Strapless leather micro-mini with peek-a-boo cutouts.

Adrianna: Kathy Bates

Donatella Versace: Douve cover! From the Versace home collection.

Adrianna: Sharon Stone

Versace: Straitjacket and tights.

(A guy and girl enter the boutique wearing secret-service-like headphones over their ears)

Joel: Hello, hi, we’re here to pick up a dress for Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Ricardo: Yeah, CZJ needs a gown.

Joel: (speaking into her headphone) Yeah, what? Catherine?

Ricardo: (also speaking into headphone) Perfect.

Joel: Zeta-Jones?

Ricardo: Sounds excellent

Joel: You got it.

Ricardo: That’s funny.

Joel: ZJ, that’s great.

Ricardo: Sure.

Joel: Certainly

Ricardo: Great idea.

Joel: Okay.

Ricardo: Brilliant.

(they stop speaking into the headphones)

Joel: Hi, I’m Joel Royce and this is, um…

Ricardo: Hey, I’m Ricardo Ferost for Catherine Zeta-Jones’ people.

Donatella Versace: Great. You bitches put your heads together, eh?

Together: (obeying) Okay…

Donatella Versace: Now take tiny, baby steps towards me.

Together: (coming forward) Alright…

Donatella Versace: Little closer, a little closer. (Her head is millimeters away from theirs, she begins whispering) You tell that bitch that I need to see her pregnant Zeta-ass in person, but also tell that mofo that I love her so much, and when she comes back if she could just bring me a hotdog? Please? Just a small one with a little relish…(directly into their ears) NOW GET OUT!!!

(They quickly retreat outside the boutique, just as Michael Jackson comes in)

Adrianna: Donatella, I don’t mean to alarm you, but Michael Jackson’s at the door.

Donatella Versace: Who??

Adrianna: Michael Jackson!

Donatella Versace: Oh no, that crazy bitch. What should we do? Hide?

Adrianna: No, that doesn’t work with him. Let’s pretend we’re mannequins!

Donatella Versace: Okay.

(They both position themselves into stylish model poses, Versace still with her cigarette and champagne bottle)

Michael Jackson: Hello? Yoo-hoo! YOO-HOO!! YOO-HOO!!! I wanna buy some stuff…(fingering Adrianna’s hair) I wanna buy these two mannequins! Yoo-hoo!

Donatella Versace: (not moving from position) They’re not for sale!

Michael Jackson: Okay…bye mannequins! Halloo! Bye…HALLOO mannequins!! Bye mannequins…HOO-HOO!!!

(They break their poses)

Adrianna: Okay, he’s gone.

Versace: Thank God.

Adriann: Thank God.

Donatella Versace: So what do we do now, fold sweaters?

Adrianna: No, we actually have to keep going over the dresses for the Oscars.

Donatella Versace: Alright.

(Christina Aguilera enters)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella! (singing) You are beautiful…

Donatella Versace: Christina! (drunkenly singing) You are beautiful…oh my God, I’m loving you! It’s the beautiful new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera! You are my baby, ah? Yes, I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on your little back like a tiny baby. Then I can burp you, and put a little powder on your bottom…

Adrianna: (separating them) Don’t be a weirdo, Donatella.

Donatella Versace: Okay

Adrianna: Hi, Christina darling, what can we do for you?

Christina Aguilera: I’m actually going to an Oscar party, and I need something glamorous to wear.

Donatella Versace: Oh, anything for you, here you go. (She rips off her dress, revealing a white bra and what appears to be a puffy blue diaper, and gives it to Christina)

Christina Aguilera: Donatella, you dirty bitch! This is beautiful!

Donatella Versace: (waving her off) Ah…you’re the beautiful bitch!

Adrianna: You’re both beautiful bitches! (she drapes her arms over both)

Donatella Versace: Ah…we are all beautiful bitches, ah? Now let’s go to my private and jet and go to that fancy McDonald’s in Monte Carlo.

(They exit and the half-naked guys start dancing again while the SUPER: VERSACE’S OSCAR FASHION PREVIEW reappears)

Thanks to Minhquan Nguyen for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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