SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: Brain Busters


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 16

02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

Brain Busters

Lawrence….Bernie Mac
Steve Thinson….Jimmy Fallon
Greg Ferguson…Horatio Sanz

[Opens with a wacky Game Show Network logo]

Announcer: We now return to Brain Busters on the Game Show Network.

[Brain Busters logo] [Lawrence, the host, is an elegant black man in a suit. Two geeky white contestants]

Lawrence: And welcome back to Brain Busters where our returning champion Steve Thinson is now leading our challenger Greg Ferguson by 200 points. Steve, you’re in charge of the board.

Steve: I’ll take astronomy for a $1,000.

Lawrence: Are you sure? There’s a whole bunch of other categories up there on the board.

Steve: I’m gonna stick with astronomy, Lawrence.

Lawrence: Ok. You sure? Ok, all right. Astronomy for $1,000. Danish astronomer Tyke Brahe was not raised by his parents but by his uncle who lived…..[beep] Steve?

Steve: His uncle Yorgin.

Lawrence: That’s correct.

Greg: Well, you know, it wasn’t gonna be Yolas.

[the nerds Steve and Greg crack up at their inside joke]

Steve: Ha, ha, that’s good, that’s good.

Lawrence: Wow, its an unbelievable game here. You know, my judges just informed me that this is the first time that our contestants have won and have answered every question correctly. Well Steve, we only have one category left. So, you can choose a question.

[The only category left on the board is BLACK HISTORY]

Steve: I got to be honest. It’s not my area of expertise. I think I’m gonna pass.

Lawrence: What do you mean you’re gonna pass, Steve? You’re on fire.

Steve: I’m more of a math/science type of guy. Greg, you’re up.

Greg: I don’t wanna.

Lawrence: [mildly offended] Hey, hey, hey. Come on now.

Greg: I just…I know I’m going to get it wrong and I don’t want you getting the wrong idea. I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of, you know, cause I’m not.

Lawrence: Steve, Steve. I want you to pick a category.

Steve: All right. Here it goes. I’ll take Black History for $200.

Lawrence: All right. Ok. Black History for $200. In 1955 this woman refused to give up her seat setting off the Montgomery Alabama bus boycott. Anyone? Steven?

Steve: I- I don’t know. I really don’t want to guess.

Lawrence: Come on now.

Steve: I don’t think so. Not good, not good.

Lawrence: Just guess, fool!

Steve: Fine. Tina Turner. [Lawrence is really offended] I knew it was wrong. I knew that was wrong. I don’t know why—

Lawrence: Greg, famous African-American woman.

Greg: Tootie?

Lawrence: [angry] Tootie! What?! Why you messing with my people?! We know y’all history! Why you messing with my people?! Are you joking?

Greg: [scared] Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Joking. I guess its over. Hey, nice playing with you. [shakes hands with Steven]

Steve: Take care, buddy.

Lawrence: Hey, hey, hey, hey!!! Get back! Get back! The game is not over! Now, let’s go back to Black History for $400. This African American scientist created peanut butter. Greg?

Greg: Mr. Peanut?

Lawrence: [angry, offended] Mr. Peanut?! Come on man! Steve, you better…you know this! Come on!

Steve: I- I- no.

Lawrence: Ok, ok. [calms himself] I give you a hint, ok? He has three names.

Steve: Phillip Michael Thomas? [Lawrence is furious] Is not what I was going to say. What I was going to say was…Michael Jamal Warner? Bobby McFerrin? I- I don’t–I-I’m sorry.

Lawrence: [offended] Bobby McFerrin?!

Steve: You said three names. You said that.

Lawrence: [speechless] W-w-w-w-what is wrong with you people? We know your people! There’s only 3 black people you need to know. Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson and Rosa Parks. That’s all you need to know. Aaahh, let’s go back to Black History for $600. Here’s the question. He became the first African American baseball player when he played for the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947.

Steve: I’m not really a sports guy.

Lawrence: Steve, you answered the whole doggone section of Brooklyn Dodgers!

[Brooklyn Dodgers section is empty]

Lawrence: Now, I know you know this question.

Steve: Pass?

Lawrence: YOU CAN’T PASS! Now, come on! ANSWER IT!

Steve: I really don’t know.

Lawrence: YOU DO KNOW IT!

Steve: I don’t think…

Lawrence: ANSWER IT!!

Steve: I’m a little nervous now, you don’t want to hear what I’m thinking…doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to say.

Lawrence: [fuming] Steve, answer the damn question.

Steve: Lamont from “Samford and Son”?

Lawrence: [going crazy] Come on! My dear God! I can’t believe this, man! What’s going on?! What’s happening to America?!

Greg: [buzzing in] “Dwayne, Rog and Rerun!” “What’s Happening”?

Steve: That’s right! That’s right! “What’s Happening?!”

[Steve and Greg dance like idiots]

Lawrence: [angry as hell] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [calming himself] Ok, forget about it. We’re going to move to the final round. General knowledge. This was Winnie the Pooh’s feline friend.

Steve: [buzzing in] I know this one. The answer is…

[Screen goes to PLEASE STAND BY] [Show returns. Lawrence has Steve gripped violently by the shirt collar]

Steve: I meant to say “TIGGER”! With a “T”!

Lawrence: [violent] What did you say?! Uh?! What did you say?!

Steve: Freudian slip! It was a Freudian slip!

[Brain Busters logo]

Announcer: This has been the last episode of Brain Busters ever! We’ve been canceled!

[cheers and applause] [fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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