A Message From The President Of The United States
President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell
Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.
President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I would like to address you directly, to report our progress in the campaign to free the people of Iraq. At the beginning of this conflict, when we faced stiff resistance from the Iraqi army, some in the press said that we had underestimated our enemy. But the truth is, our chief concern was to minimize the loss of innocent life. I wish there were a button I could push.. that would only destroy the bad people. But General Tommy Franks has repeatedly told me no such button exists. And you know what? I believe him.
Nonetheless, As you have heard by now, we have taken Baghdads main airport and the surrounding area, which means coalition forces now control all of Iraqs duty-free shops and car rental services. In addition, we have captured no fewer than five Saddam Hussein lookalikes.. as well as two divisions of the Republican Guard – also lookalikes.
It must be acknowledged, mistakes were made during our Shock And Awe campaign – the main one being, calling it the Shock and Awe campaign. I objected to that title, but I was outvoted. I wanted to call it Tango & Cash. But there was legal problems.
Finally, whenever there is war, there will be those who perpetrate acts of unspeakable evil. In this conflict, it’s Geraldo Rivera. Now, I always felt that people picked on him unfairly, but.. truthfully, he is a bonehead! Going on TV and giving away our troops’ positions? Good going, Einstein!
Well, there you have it. To sum up our situation in Iraq: so far, so good. In closing, I hope this address has put your mind at ease, as to our progress in liberating the people of Iraq. I wish there were more information I could give you, but, in the interest of national security, that’s all they’ve told me. As I leave you, I ask that you remember in your prayers the men and women of our armed forces and their families. God bless America. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”