Bernie Mac’s Monologue
Bernie Mac: Hello! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey hey, welcome, everybody! And I hope everybody here to have a good time, because I am here to have a blast! You know? Bewcause the whole country’s tense! It’s a tense time. Everybody in the country’s on high alert. They nervous and edgy, you know? They say look out for suspicious behavior. I need to know what the hell is suspicious behavior! You know? I keep on eye on every damn body! Iraq’s army playin’ like they the U.S. Army, givin’ up and killin’ us and holdin’ us hostage and all that kinda stuff!
So I’m watchin’ everybody! I was on an elevator with an old white lady. Just her and I! She watchin’ me, I’m watchin’ her! Then she asked me a stupid-ass question: “Whatchoo lookin’ at?” I said, “What the hell you think I’m lookin’ at?! I’m lookin’ you! You could be.. Saddam’s grandma, I don’t know..”
It’s scary times, I’m tellin’ you! The country got everybody doing stupid things. They told you to buy gas masks.. duct tape.. gloves.. plastic.. The whole doggone country look like a episode of “Trading Spaces”. And you better use your own doggone minds, see? Grown folks stupid, too. You know, you listen to hizzit about “Get some duct tape!” Now, you go get some damn duct tape, if you want to.. and tape your whole house up.. and then wonder why you can’t breathe. You smotherin’ your ass to death!
Right now, you don’t know nobody! It ain’t like it was back in the day! See, like, people know me now – but I don’t know them. This is a beautiful thing, and I’m a good person – I’m a people person. When you come up to me – back up in the day – I’ll shake your hand and talk to you. I’m not doing that today! You can call, be hollarin’ my name, pullin’ on me – “Hey, Bernie!” Slappin’ me, all that stuff. I shot three people last week! I told ’em I was sorry, but I don’t know you. It could be one of those suicide bombers – you ain’t gonna take me with you! You gonna take yourself – I’m takin’ you out!
You gotta protect yourself! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m on ten planes a week. Okay? That’s kinda heavy. You can’t carry no guns.. you can’t carry no knife. But they didn’t say nothing about carrying no hammer! So, if you see me on a plane.. [ singing ] “I got a hammer..” I got a hammer! So I’m gonna tell you how you playin’ when you see me. “Oh, that’s Bernie Mac!” I’m gonna tell you how you ride the plane when you see me. You see me? I want you to sit up.. eat your food.. watch your movie.. take a nap.. leave your shoes alone! I don’t know you, I don’t know what you doin’ down there. But I swear – if you bend down, you ain’t gonna bend back up until you land!
We got a great show for y’all this evening! We got Good Charlotte.. I’m the Mac-Man.. thank you for “Saturday Night Live”!