02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte
The Pianist
Black Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
Black Guy #2…..Bernie Mac
Shusher…..Rachel Dratch
Male Moviegoer #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Moviegoer #2…..Seth Meyers
Female Moviegoer…..Amy Poehler
Male Moviegoer #3…..Fred Armisen
[ open on theater marquee, with titles:
“The Pianist”
“A Man Apart”
“Head Of State”
“Phone Booth”
“Boat Trip”
“Old School” ]
[ dissolve to interior, dark theater during showing of “The Piano”. Pair of black men begin to talk throughout the movie, disturbing the white people around them. ]
Black Guy #1: I don’t wanna watch this, man! I wanna see that Vin Diesel movie, man!
Black Guy #2: Well, if you’d been here on time, I could have got the tickets.
Black Guy #1: I thought you were gonna get ’em from Movie Phone?
Black Guy #2: Yeah, but they don’t take J.C. Penney cards.
Shusher: Ssssshhhh!!!
Black Guy #1: What the hell is this movie, anyway?!
Black Guy #2: It’s “The Pianist”.
Black Guy #1: What’s it about?
Black Guy #2: [ unsure ] I don’t know.. I guess a pianist.
Black Guy #1: So, who the guy with the big nose?
Black Guy #2: He’s the pianist.
Black Guy #1: So, he play the piano?
[ angered, a white male moviegoer sitting in front turns around them interrupts ]
Male Moviegoer #1: Yes! He’s the pianist!
[ the two black guys turn to look at the moviegoer, annoyed by the intrusion of their private conversation ]
Black Guy #2: Do you have a problem, man? Something wrong with you?
Male Moviegoer #1: No! I’m just.. trying to watch the movie..
Black Guy #2: [ pointing in front, toward the movie screen ] Well, the movie over there, the movie not back here! You better turn around! [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?
Black Guy #1: No.
[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ]
[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]
Black Guy #1: [ yelling at the screen ] Don’t go in there, Sbil Man!!
Black Guy #2: You gotta watch your BACK, Sbil Man!! [ perplexed that the character on the screen didn’t heed his warning ] Oh, come on, Sbil Man, they want to getchoo, man!
[ Male and Female Moviegoers in upper row turn lean in to interrupt ]
Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, could you guys please be quiet?
Female Moviegoer: Yeah, you’re ruining it for everybody..
Black Guy #2: No, the Nazis ruined it for everybody!
Male Moviegoer #1: I don’t believe this.. I don’t believe it..
Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?
Black Guy #1: No.
[ they return their eyes to the screen, now more perplexed ]
Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, hell no..!
Black Guy #1: You Nazis are PISSING ME OFF, man!! [ throws his popcorn at the screen ]
Male Moviegoer #3: Guys? Look.. I don’t want to keep you from enjoying this movie, but, uh.. I’m here with my grandfather. Okay? And he actually lived in the Warsaw ghetto, so..
Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, man? For real?
Male Moviegoer #3: Yeah.
Black Guy #2: [ over to the elderly grandfather ] You from Warsaw ghetto? We from the ghetto, too, man! Right on, baby! [ makes a Black Power fist gesture at the elderly grandfather, who makes a serious Black Power fist right back ]
[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ]
[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]
Black Guy #1: I learned a LOT about myself through your story, Sbil Man!!
Black Guy #2: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah! You know, Jews and blacks, they ain’t that different, after all. You know that?
Male Moviegoer #1: [ raises his arms in surrender ] You know? I give up! They make good points, but it’s ruining my experience!
Female Moviegoer: Yeah. Mine, too!
Shusher: I want my money back..
Black Guy #1: Sssshhhh! I can’t hear Sbil Man!
Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, if anyone is interested, there’s a showing of that Vin Diesel movie in ten minutes!
[ everyone else exits the theater ]
Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?
Black Guy #1: No!
[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “45 Minutes Later” ]
[ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]
Black Guy #1: That was a great movie, man!
Black Guy #2: I’m speechless.
Black Guy #1: [ they methodically begin to clap in unison ]
Black Guy #2: Sbil Man!
Black Guy #1: You go, Sbil Man!
Black Guy #2: Don’t worry, Sbil Man! The Nazis can’t take your Oscar away, baby!
[ fade ]
