The Pianist


02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Pianist

Black Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
Black Guy #2…..Bernie Mac
Shusher…..Rachel Dratch
Male Moviegoer #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Moviegoer #2…..Seth Meyers
Female Moviegoer…..Amy Poehler
Male Moviegoer #3…..Fred Armisen


[ open on theater marquee, with titles:
“The Pianist”
“A Man Apart”
“Head Of State”
“Phone Booth”
“Boat Trip”
“Old School” ] [ dissolve to interior, dark theater during showing of “The Piano”. Pair of black men begin to talk throughout the movie, disturbing the white people around them. ]

Black Guy #1: I don’t wanna watch this, man! I wanna see that Vin Diesel movie, man!

Black Guy #2: Well, if you’d been here on time, I could have got the tickets.

Black Guy #1: I thought you were gonna get ’em from Movie Phone?

Black Guy #2: Yeah, but they don’t take J.C. Penney cards.

Shusher: Ssssshhhh!!!

Black Guy #1: What the hell is this movie, anyway?!

Black Guy #2: It’s “The Pianist”.

Black Guy #1: What’s it about?

Black Guy #2: [ unsure ] I don’t know.. I guess a pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, who the guy with the big nose?

Black Guy #2: He’s the pianist.

Black Guy #1: So, he play the piano?

[ angered, a white male moviegoer sitting in front turns around them interrupts ]

Male Moviegoer #1: Yes! He’s the pianist!

[ the two black guys turn to look at the moviegoer, annoyed by the intrusion of their private conversation ]

Black Guy #2: Do you have a problem, man? Something wrong with you?

Male Moviegoer #1: No! I’m just.. trying to watch the movie..

Black Guy #2: [ pointing in front, toward the movie screen ] Well, the movie over there, the movie not back here! You better turn around! [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: [ yelling at the screen ] Don’t go in there, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: You gotta watch your BACK, Sbil Man!! [ perplexed that the character on the screen didn’t heed his warning ] Oh, come on, Sbil Man, they want to getchoo, man!

[ Male and Female Moviegoers in upper row turn lean in to interrupt ]

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, could you guys please be quiet?

Female Moviegoer: Yeah, you’re ruining it for everybody..

Black Guy #2: No, the Nazis ruined it for everybody!

Male Moviegoer #1: I don’t believe this.. I don’t believe it..

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No.

[ they return their eyes to the screen, now more perplexed ]

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, hell no..!

Black Guy #1: You Nazis are PISSING ME OFF, man!! [ throws his popcorn at the screen ]

Male Moviegoer #3: Guys? Look.. I don’t want to keep you from enjoying this movie, but, uh.. I’m here with my grandfather. Okay? And he actually lived in the Warsaw ghetto, so..

Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, man? For real?

Male Moviegoer #3: Yeah.

Black Guy #2: [ over to the elderly grandfather ] You from Warsaw ghetto? We from the ghetto, too, man! Right on, baby! [ makes a Black Power fist gesture at the elderly grandfather, who makes a serious Black Power fist right back ] [ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: I learned a LOT about myself through your story, Sbil Man!!

Black Guy #2: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah! You know, Jews and blacks, they ain’t that different, after all. You know that?

Male Moviegoer #1: [ raises his arms in surrender ] You know? I give up! They make good points, but it’s ruining my experience!

Female Moviegoer: Yeah. Mine, too!

Shusher: I want my money back..

Black Guy #1: Sssshhhh! I can’t hear Sbil Man!

Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, if anyone is interested, there’s a showing of that Vin Diesel movie in ten minutes!

[ everyone else exits the theater ]

Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

Black Guy #1: No!

[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “45 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

Black Guy #1: That was a great movie, man!

Black Guy #2: I’m speechless.

Black Guy #1: [ they methodically begin to clap in unison ]

Black Guy #2: Sbil Man!

Black Guy #1: You go, Sbil Man!

Black Guy #2: Don’t worry, Sbil Man! The Nazis can’t take your Oscar away, baby!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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