No Smoking


02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

No Smoking

Bartender…..Seth Meyers
Red…..Bernie Mac
Hedda…..Amy Poehler
Jerry…..Jimmy Fallon

[ open on interior, barroom, as Red sits glumly at the bar ]

Bartender: Can I get you another one, Red?

Red: Yeah.. give me another one. Bacardi Rum. And, tell me again – I don’t think I hear you good? I can’t smoke here?

Bartender: You can’t smoke in any bar in New York City!

Red: None at all?

Bartender: Mayor’s new policy.

Red: Ohhh, this is horrible! This is horrible! It’s just plain horrible!

Bartender: Hey, I agree, Red – I think it sucks! It’s bad for business!

Red: It’s bad for business?! It’s bad for freedom! This is America! I pay my taxes! I walk my dog! I pick up my poop! I’m a grown man! Damn, I’m upset! I need a cigarette! [ lights up a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey, hey, Red! [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, and puts it out ] Sorry, Red! No!

Red: How you feel about it, Hedda.. how you feel about it?

Hedda: I’ve been smoking for twenty years..

Red: You never hurt nobody!

Hedda: You know what I say? Mayor Mike is not the boss of me. He’s nuts! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Hey! [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Oh, come on, gorgeous.

Red: Heyyyy, I’m a grown man! I vote! I cross the street at the light! I say please and thank you! I’m not killin’ nobody! I’m killin’ myself! And it’s my right! I need a cigarette!

Bartender: No! [ a pause ] Listen, I think they’re just trying to cut down on second-hand smoke.

Hedda: You know what? That’s crazy!

Red: It is crazy!

Hedda: It’s cuckoo!

Red: Cuckoo!

Hedda: Up yours, Mayor Mike! He don’t like second-hand smoke, ’cause he’s a second-hand Mayor! [ lights a cigarette ]

Bartender: Alright.. alright.. alright.. [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

Hedda: Hey! Hey! You’re killing me, gorgeous!

Red: Let me tell you something – back in the day, we coulda smoked in a nursery school!

Hedda: That’s right!

Red: My momma would pack a pack of Lucky Strikes in my lunchbox!

Hedda: That right?

Red: We would smoke in the hospital!

Hedda: Amen.. amen to that..

Red: Dammit! We could smoke in swimming pools!

Hedda: Of course..

Red: Back in the days, smoking was good for you!

Hedda: Good for you..

Red: It makes you run faster!

Hedda: Run faster..

Red: It makes you smarter! It makes you a better lover!

Hedda: That’s right..

Red: I need a cigarette! [ puts a cigarette in his mouth ]

Hedda: [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, puts it in her own mouth ] Let me tell you something – smokers do make your better lovers, or, as I like to say, puffers are good stuffers.

Red: [ laughs, choking ]

Bartender: [ takes the cigarette away from both of them ] Look, guys, if you wanna smoke, why don’t you just go outside?

Hedda: Nooooooo!

Red: I’m not going outside! I’m not going out there like no dog, or a Vietnamese!

Hedda: No, I’m not gonna smoke outside, no way! You know why I don’t go outside?

Red: Why?

Hedda: There’s too much air!

Red: Yeah!

Hedda: [ choking, coughs up a whole cigarette ] Oh.. jackpot!

Red: Yeah, yeah!

[ Jerry enters ]

Jerry: Hey Red.. hey, Hedda..

Red: Hey!

Hedda: Hey..! [ kisses Jerry on the cheek ]

Bartender: [ as Jerry lights a cigarette ] Hey, sorry there, Jerry – no smoking.

Jerry: But it’s after midnight.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: These are lights.

Bartender: Sorry.

Jerry: Uh.. I have a doctor’s note.

Bartender: Can’t do it.

Jerry: But I’m a regular!

Bartender: Nope!

Jerry: I’ll light the other end.

Bartender: Can’t!

Jerry: I won’t exhale.

Bartender: Sorry, Jerry.

Jerry: [ holds up his hands awkwardly ] Dammit! If I’m not smoking, I don’t know what to do with my hands..

Red: Hmm.. let me tell you something – I want to revolt! I want to vote all over again! I’m gonna storm City Hall! I’m gonna e-mail the President! I walk my dog! I need a cigarette!

Jerry: [ still confused about the status of his hands ] Should I put ’em on my waist..? Or should I put ’em in my pockets, or something..? Does this look weird?

Red: Besides! There is no medical evidence.. that proves smoking is bad for you!

Hedda: There’s no medical evidence..

Red: The only people that say that smokin’ is bad for you are scientists!

Hedda: Right.

Red: And doctors and tobacco companies! Who can you trust?!

Hedda: Nobody.

Jerry: [ still very confused about his hands’ current function ] Sh-should I clap? [ claps ] I mean.. wh-wh-what if I put ’em on my leg..? Should I put ’em in my mouth, maybe, uh..

Hedda: Hey! I’ll tell you something.

Red: Tell ’em!

Hedda: A woman my age.. has earned the right.. to enjoy life’s little pleasures.

Jerry: How old are ya, Hedda?

Hedda: 25; 26.. in May, God willing.

Red: Let the lady smoke!

Bartender: Not in here!

Jerry: I figured out what to do with my hands – I’ll see you later. [ exits bar ]

Red: Well, you’d betty hurry, before they make that illegal!

Hedda: That’s right..

Bartender: Look, guys, I don’t want to get fired!

Red: Let me tell you something – how much does the government hate us? What is the number? What is it costing us!

Bartender: It’s a $200 fine.

Red: Hey! Here you go! [ throws some money on the counter ] Right there! That’s eight dollars and twenty-five cents!

Hedda: Eight dollars and twenty-five cents..

Red: Whattaya say? Whattaya say?

Bartender: No! I can’t do it!

Hedda: Hey.. I’ll let you look under my dress.

Bartender: [ thinks it over, then finally ] Okay. Just let me lock the door.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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