The Four Stooges


02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

The Four Stooges

Woody Harrelson…..Jimmy Fallon
Museum Curator…..Darrell Hammond
Moe…..Chris Parnell
Larry…..Chris Kattan
Curly…..Jeff Richards
Rib-Eye…..Bernie Mac

Announcer: We now return to The Three Stooges’ 75th anniversary, on NBC.

[ dissolve to Woody Harrelson in studio ]

Woody Harrelson: Hi. I’m Woody Harrelson. And that can only mean one thing – you guessed it.. a prime-time Three Stooges tribute. If you’re like me, you love The Three Stooges – mostly because you’re stoned all the time. Moe, Larry & Curly are The Three Stooges we know best; but, over the years, the Stooges went through a lot of line-up changes, with Shemp being only the first among many replacements for Curly. One of the most interesting, and little-known, chapters in the Stooges’ existence came during a brief period when the Three Stooges becoem a foursome, with the addition of a gifted physical comedian, dance hall piano player, and former cathouse bouncer named.. Rib-Eye Wilkins. This new line-up made its debut on the Columbia Studios two-reeler “Now Museum, Now You Don’t”.

[ Three Stooges music pots up, as we dissolve to the title card ] [ dissolve to black-and-white reel of the film short, set in a museum, as the Museum Curator looks about the area ]

Museum Curator: Ohhh.. pip and tosh! Where are those four dinosaur bone cleaners I requested? They were supposed to be here over an hour ago!

[ suddenly, the Four Stooges poke their heads out from behind a wall – Rib-Eye on top, then Curly, Moe and Larry in downward succession; the camera pans upward on them ]

Larry: Hellooooo!

Moe: Hellooooo!

Curly: Hellooooo!

Rib-Eye: Hello.

[ the Stooges fumble about trying to stand together in a line ]

Museum Curator: Gentlemen! Don’t you realize how late you are!

Moe: Hey, just take it easy there! Don’t get your Bunson burner in a bunch, spinach chin!

Museum Curator: Spinach chin..?? Why, I..

Moe: Listen! you just sohw us these bones of yours, and we’ll get ’em cleaned up in a jiffy!

Museum Curator: Well.. you had better! And please remember these bones are very valuable, and very fragile! So, please.. don’t let anything Stoogish occurrrr.

Moe & Larry: Hmmm…

Curly: Soitenly!

Rib-Eye: Alright.. I guess that we.. need to spread out, then.

Moe: Alright! You heard that professor, fellas! We need to get to work on this thing, you bunch of ignoramuses!

Curly: Who you callin’ an ignoramus, you ignoramus?

Moe: Why, I oughtta..

[ Moe begins to hit Curly with wild sound effects, Curly hits back, and eventually Moe smacks one to Larry just the same ]

Larry: Hey, what’dja hit me for? I didn’t do anything!

Moe: No! But you was about to!

Rib-Eye: [ breaking up the fight ] Hey, hey, hey, oh.. come on now, chowderhead.. we got a job to do. Let’s cut all the monkey business and get to work, chop-chop.

Moe: Chop-chop, eh? I’ll chop you, you wise guy! [ slaps Rib-Eye across the face, laughs ]

Rib-Eye: Aw, hell no! I know you just didn’t do that, man, I know you just didn’t do that!

Moe: But, I, uh..

Rib-Eye: Huh?

Moe: I mean..

Rib-Eye: Huh? Huh? What did you say to me? Huh? What did you say to me.. soup-bowl haircut?

Moe: Uh.. y-y-y-y-you heard me, you nincompoop! [ meekly ] Come on, man, this is a.. a bit. It’s supposed to be funny..

Rib-Eye: Ohhh, it’s funny now? Slappin’ a black man around on film, it’s funny, huh?

Moe: Oh, no! I..

Rib-Eye: I’ll show you funny! [ begins to beat the hell out of Moe ] Huh?! You think I’m funny?! Huh! Huh!

Larry: Hey, Rib-Eye.. it’s just a slap!

Rib-Eye: [ stops pounding on Moe ] Just a slap, right? I’m sick of Moe! I’m sick of you, too! [ claps Larry ] That’s just a slap? You slap women! You don’t slap women?!

Curly: Oh, God! Take it easy! You’re kickin’ his brains all over your foot, you crazy bastard! [ stops himself short ]

Rib-Eye: What’d you say to me?!

Curly: Oh, God! Whoo-whoo!

[ dissolve to end title card, over closing theme music ] [ dissolve back to Woody Harrelson, who opens his mouth allowing pot smoke to escape. He coughs ]

Woody Harrelson: After this.. one film, the four performers went their separate ways. Rib-Eye, back to the dance halls and juke joints he loved so well; and The Three Stooges, to 18 months of.. painful physical and speech therapy. Stick around. When we come back, we’ll lookat even more unpopular Three Stooges pornos. I’m gonna have to roll another one for that..

[ fade out, with Three Stooges theme music ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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