Phone Booth

02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Phone Booth

Walter…..Ray Romano
Voice on Phone…..Darrell Hammond
Fat Guy…..Horatio Sanz
Police Captain…..Tracy Morgan
Back-up Cop…..Dean Edwards

[ Walter walks past a phone booth as it rings; he enters the booth and picks up the receiver ]

Walter: Hello?

Voice on Phone: [ sinister ] Hello.. Walter.

Walter: [ laughing ] He-ey! Who’s this!

Voice on Phone: Love the out-fit. I see you enjoy the un-tucked, button-down shirt look.

Walter: Wha- whoa, whoa.. what is.. what is.. is there a camera on me, huh? Is this one of those hidden camera shows? Huh? I love those shows! Where’s the camera! [ foolishly mugs for the hidden camera he thinks is out there ]

Voice on Phone: Walter.. don’t be a douche-bag.

Walter: Wow! Douchebag! What are we, on FOX? Where is it? Where’s the camera!

Voice on Phone: It’s not a camera.. it’s the scope of a high-powered rifle.. pointed straight at your head.

Walter: [ dumbfounded ] That’s not funny.. That’s not funny.. Have fun with your show. [ starts to hang up the phone ]

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. hang up.. Walter.

Walter: No! I’m hanging up!

Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Hey. Walter. See that fat guy, eating a hot dog over there?

Walter: [ afraid to acknowledge the fat guy ] Yeah?

[ scope of rifle fires a shot, sending the fat guy to the pavement, as passers-by scream and run in panic ]

Walter: [ screaming ] Oh, my God!! You KILLED him!! You KILLED him!! You’re CRAZY!!

Voice on Phone: Relax, Walter.. look at the size of him. He’s probably bleeding gravy..

[ sirens can be heard approaching from the background ]

Walter: That is MEAN!! That’s so MEAN to the FAT GUY!!

[ the police suddenly appear, huddled in a group with guns pointed at Walter ]

Police Captain: Alright, sir! Step out of the phone booth, Sir!

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. step out.. of the phone booth.. Walter..!

Police Captain: Why did you kill the fat guy?!

Walter: I didn’t! I didn’t kill the fat guy!!

Police Captain: Step out of the booth!

Voice on Phone: Walter.. you leave that.. phone booth.. and you.. die.

Walter: I don’t understand! What’s.. what’s going on here?!

Voice on Phone: I.. know.. everything.. about.. you.. Walter.

Walter: Wha? What do you want?!

Voice on Phone: I want you to step out of the booth and tell everyone what you wear to bed. [ Walter resists ] Tell.. them.. or.. I’ll.. kill.. you..

Walter: Alright! [ slowly pokes his head out of the booth ] I wear footsie pajamas to bed!

Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

Walter: [ disgusted ] SpongeBob footsie pajamas!! My feet get cold!

Police Captain: That’s all right, Buddy! I, myself, sleep buck-naked! But SpongeBob is a hilarious cartoon! Now, come.. out.. of.. the.. booth!

Walter: [ into the phone ] Look.. can I go now?

Voice on Phone: Not.. yet. Walter.. I want you to point to that cop, and tell him that you hate black people.

Walter: WHAT??!! NO!! I CAN’T say that!!

Voice on Phone: I’ll.. kill.. you.

Walter: Arrrrggghh!! That’s right! Dammit!! [ with regret ] I only picked up this phone thinking I had won a contest! This seems like the exact opposite!

Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Say.. “I hate black people.” Say it!

Walter: Okay! Okay! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate.. I hate..

Police Captain: Come on, Buddy! Put the phone down and step out of the booth, Sir!

Voice on Phone: I’m.. going.. to.. shoot.. you..

Walter: O-kay! i’m gonna say it! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate! Blah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhck! [ waves his arms ] People! [ into the phone ] Okay. I did it! I did it!

Voice on Phone: [ getting ticked off ] Walter! Say it.. with the right.. inflection!

Walter: Wait, that’s just my manner of speaking, you know, I can’t help that..

Voice on Phone: Walter, you’ve got three seconds! Three.. two..

Walter: [ quickly pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate black people!

Police Captain: [ offended ] What’dju say, bitch?!

Walter: The man on the PHONE!!

Voice on Phone: Shut up, Walter!

Walter: What.. what do you want from me?!

Voice on Phone: One..more.. thing.. I want you to hold up your fingers and indicate to the entire world what a small penis you have.

Walter: [ hoping beyond hope ] Is this Phil?

Voice on Phone: Just.. do.. it.

Walter: [ pokes his head out of the booth, holding his fingers up stretched wide ] Hey, everybody, uh.. this.. is the size-

Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

Walter: [ moves his fingers a little closer together ] This..

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. lie..

Walter: [ moves his fingers a little more closer together ] This..

Voice on Phone: Wal-terrrrrrr..

Walter: Well, come on!

Voice on Phone: Would you rather take it out and show it to them?

Walter: [ holds his fingers practically right on top of one another ] This is the SIZE of my PENIS!!

Police Captain: That’s why he hate us.

Back-up Cop: It’s just sad.

Walter: The width!! I mean, the width!!

Voice on Phone: No-body believes you, Wal-ter.. Now, step out.. of.. the.. booth..

Walter: What? Why did you do this? Why did you do this to me?

Voice on Phone: I was just having a little fun with you. You can go.

Walter: [ relieved ] Alright, then.. I’m gonna hang up, now.

Voice on Phone: Yes, Wal-ter.. you’ve just.. saved.. your life.. for now.

Walter: Goodbye. [ hangs up the phone and steps out of the booth ] I don’t hate black people..

Police Captain: I know. Come on. Nice and easy.

Walter: And then, you know, thing with my penis..

Police Captain: Yeah, yeah, we’ll talk about that later.

[ suddenly, the phone rings again; on instinct, Walter picks it right back up again ]

Walter: Hello?

Voice on Phone: What is wrong with you, Walter?!

Walter: [ feeling stupid and angry all at once ] Dammit!! I thought THIS time it HAD to be a CONTEST!!

Voice on Phone: Okay, we’re going to start.. with pulling down your pants..

[ fade ]

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