Phone Booth


02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Phone Booth

Walter…..Ray Romano
Voice on Phone…..Darrell Hammond
Fat Guy…..Horatio Sanz
Police Captain…..Tracy Morgan
Back-up Cop…..Dean Edwards

[ Walter walks past a phone booth as it rings; he enters the booth and picks up the receiver ]

Walter: Hello?

Voice on Phone: [ sinister ] Hello.. Walter.

Walter: [ laughing ] He-ey! Who’s this!

Voice on Phone: Love the out-fit. I see you enjoy the un-tucked, button-down shirt look.

Walter: Wha- whoa, whoa.. what is.. what is.. is there a camera on me, huh? Is this one of those hidden camera shows? Huh? I love those shows! Where’s the camera! [ foolishly mugs for the hidden camera he thinks is out there ]

Voice on Phone: Walter.. don’t be a douche-bag.

Walter: Wow! Douchebag! What are we, on FOX? Where is it? Where’s the camera!

Voice on Phone: It’s not a camera.. it’s the scope of a high-powered rifle.. pointed straight at your head.

Walter: [ dumbfounded ] That’s not funny.. That’s not funny.. Have fun with your show. [ starts to hang up the phone ]

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. hang up.. Walter.

Walter: No! I’m hanging up!

Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Hey. Walter. See that fat guy, eating a hot dog over there?

Walter: [ afraid to acknowledge the fat guy ] Yeah?

[ scope of rifle fires a shot, sending the fat guy to the pavement, as passers-by scream and run in panic ]

Walter: [ screaming ] Oh, my God!! You KILLED him!! You KILLED him!! You’re CRAZY!!

Voice on Phone: Relax, Walter.. look at the size of him. He’s probably bleeding gravy..

[ sirens can be heard approaching from the background ]

Walter: That is MEAN!! That’s so MEAN to the FAT GUY!!

[ the police suddenly appear, huddled in a group with guns pointed at Walter ]

Police Captain: Alright, sir! Step out of the phone booth, Sir!

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. step out.. of the phone booth.. Walter..!

Police Captain: Why did you kill the fat guy?!

Walter: I didn’t! I didn’t kill the fat guy!!

Police Captain: Step out of the booth!

Voice on Phone: Walter.. you leave that.. phone booth.. and you.. die.

Walter: I don’t understand! What’s.. what’s going on here?!

Voice on Phone: I.. know.. everything.. about.. you.. Walter.

Walter: Wha? What do you want?!

Voice on Phone: I want you to step out of the booth and tell everyone what you wear to bed. [ Walter resists ] Tell.. them.. or.. I’ll.. kill.. you..

Walter: Alright! [ slowly pokes his head out of the booth ] I wear footsie pajamas to bed!

Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

Walter: [ disgusted ] SpongeBob footsie pajamas!! My feet get cold!

Police Captain: That’s all right, Buddy! I, myself, sleep buck-naked! But SpongeBob is a hilarious cartoon! Now, come.. out.. of.. the.. booth!

Walter: [ into the phone ] Look.. can I go now?

Voice on Phone: Not.. yet. Walter.. I want you to point to that cop, and tell him that you hate black people.

Walter: WHAT??!! NO!! I CAN’T say that!!

Voice on Phone: I’ll.. kill.. you.

Walter: Arrrrggghh!! That’s right! Dammit!! [ with regret ] I only picked up this phone thinking I had won a contest! This seems like the exact opposite!

Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Say.. “I hate black people.” Say it!

Walter: Okay! Okay! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate.. I hate..

Police Captain: Come on, Buddy! Put the phone down and step out of the booth, Sir!

Voice on Phone: I’m.. going.. to.. shoot.. you..

Walter: O-kay! i’m gonna say it! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate! Blah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhck! [ waves his arms ] People! [ into the phone ] Okay. I did it! I did it!

Voice on Phone: [ getting ticked off ] Walter! Say it.. with the right.. inflection!

Walter: Wait, that’s just my manner of speaking, you know, I can’t help that..

Voice on Phone: Walter, you’ve got three seconds! Three.. two..

Walter: [ quickly pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate black people!

Police Captain: [ offended ] What’dju say, bitch?!

Walter: The man on the PHONE!!

Voice on Phone: Shut up, Walter!

Walter: What.. what do you want from me?!

Voice on Phone: One..more.. thing.. I want you to hold up your fingers and indicate to the entire world what a small penis you have.

Walter: [ hoping beyond hope ] Is this Phil?

Voice on Phone: Just.. do.. it.

Walter: [ pokes his head out of the booth, holding his fingers up stretched wide ] Hey, everybody, uh.. this.. is the size-

Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

Walter: [ moves his fingers a little closer together ] This..

Voice on Phone: Don’t.. lie..

Walter: [ moves his fingers a little more closer together ] This..

Voice on Phone: Wal-terrrrrrr..

Walter: Well, come on!

Voice on Phone: Would you rather take it out and show it to them?

Walter: [ holds his fingers practically right on top of one another ] This is the SIZE of my PENIS!!

Police Captain: That’s why he hate us.

Back-up Cop: It’s just sad.

Walter: The width!! I mean, the width!!

Voice on Phone: No-body believes you, Wal-ter.. Now, step out.. of.. the.. booth..

Walter: What? Why did you do this? Why did you do this to me?

Voice on Phone: I was just having a little fun with you. You can go.

Walter: [ relieved ] Alright, then.. I’m gonna hang up, now.

Voice on Phone: Yes, Wal-ter.. you’ve just.. saved.. your life.. for now.

Walter: Goodbye. [ hangs up the phone and steps out of the booth ] I don’t hate black people..

Police Captain: I know. Come on. Nice and easy.

Walter: And then, you know, thing with my penis..

Police Captain: Yeah, yeah, we’ll talk about that later.

[ suddenly, the phone rings again; on instinct, Walter picks it right back up again ]

Walter: Hello?

Voice on Phone: What is wrong with you, Walter?!

Walter: [ feeling stupid and angry all at once ] Dammit!! I thought THIS time it HAD to be a CONTEST!!

Voice on Phone: Okay, we’re going to start.. with pulling down your pants..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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