Rialto Grande


02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

Rialto Grande

Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun…..Jimmy Fallon
Buddy Mills…..Chris Kattan
Mackey…..Fred Armisen
Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar…..Ray Romano
Cocktail Waitresses…..Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph

Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun: And now, coming to you live, from the beautiful Rosewater Room in the Rialto Grande – just shy of the Vegas strip – it’s another night with Buddy Mills! This is old pal Rodney “The Zipper” Calzoun saying: The only thing smaller than this guy’s paycheck.. is his pointdexter! Here’s.. Buddy Mills!

[ the aging Buddy Mills runs excitedly onto the stage, little else to live for in his life; cocktail waitresses wil periodically walk past Buddy string directly into the audience as though severely annoyed at having to work the act ]

Buddy Mills: Ha! Hello, Nas Legas, Vevada! Ha HA! Hey, is it New Year’s Eve? ‘Cause I think my ball just dropped! Haaa, I can’t! [ expects a rim shot from drummer Mackey, but gets zero response from the open-mouthed old-timer ] I just got my taxes done, have you heard about these things, these taxes? Apparently-

[ from out of nowhere, Mackey delivers an inappropriately-timed rim shot ]

Buddy Mills: Apparently, I can’t claim not gettin’ any.. as a loss! Haaa, wait a second, I can’t! [ waits again for a non-existant rim shot from Mackey ] I’ll tell ya, my wife’s knockers are so low-

[ Mackey delivers another inappropriately-timed rim shot, much to Buddy’s annoyance ]

Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums, everybody. Great stuff. Class act. Anyway.. my wife’s knockers are so low.. she crossed the street yesterday, and got three jaywalking tickets! Whaaaat?! Wait a.. I can’t! [ again, no rim shot from Mackey ] Hey, Mackey, how’s your wife doin’? Good? [ Mackey doesn’t respond, he just stares open-mouthed ] No kiddin’? Okay! We’ve got a great show – despite all the water damage, thank you for coming! Here’s a tip – if you see black mold, don’t put your tongue on it, on matter how good it looks! Heeey, I don’t.. okay! Sorry.. sorry.. Our first guest-

Mackey: [ interrupting unexpectedly ] Mabel is fine..

Buddy Mills: Our first guest is a great fellow! You guys have seen him plastered all over the bus stps – literally! The second funniest comic – in this room, at this very moment as we speak – Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar!

[ Marv enters onto the stage chomping on a cigar ]

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Bud-dyyyyy! There’s a hooker in the lobby looking for you – you left your dentures in her paaaants! [ clutches his stomach ] Hold.. hold.. hold.. and release!

Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] Unbelievable!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Sit down!

Buddy Mills: So good! So good!

[ they both sit at a table on the stage ]

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Sit down, you monkey! Sit in the chair!

Buddy Mills: This guy! This guy’s been the headliner in the Medallion Room at Caeser’s, for how many years now?

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Well.. well.. let’s just say, when I started there the hecklers used bows and arrows! Hold.. hold.. and release!

Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] That is a long story! That is a very long story!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: The only thing longer than that is Buddy’s wife’s face when she sees him naked! Hold.. Hold.. release!

Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Keep still, you rabbit!

Buddy Mills: I can’t believe they canned you from Caeser’s, I really can’t..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Yeah!

Buddy Mills: Big loss to them, truly a loss..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I got replaced by this new kid – Celie Die-on. I mean, what are you gonna do? How am I gonna compete with a Canadian in her own amphitheater? Huh?! She’s got the laser lights, and the fountains, and the, you know.. the only water spectacle I got in my act is when my catheter slips out! Holding.. holding..

Buddy Mills: [ laughing ] So good! Spuds, I swear to God, you are on fire tonight! You are unbelievable! [ to the audience ] You have gotta see this guy’s act, it’s so good! Please tell everybody where you’re playing next weekend.

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I have some gigs lined up, in the area..

Buddy Mills: Yeah. Yeah. Where, uh.. where are you playing?

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: I’m at, uh.. I’m at various places in the vicinity..

Buddy Mills: Uh-huh. Yeah. Where at, like where?

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Uh, well.. I’m gonna be over at, uh.. I’m doing a weekend at the, uh.. at the, uh.. [ suddenly collapses into a handful of tears ] I’ve got NOTHING!! I’ve got NOTHING!!

Buddy Mills: Okay.. let it out, it’s okay.. it’s okay.. it really is okay..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Ohhh, it hurts, Buddy..

Buddy Mills: I know it does..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Oh, God..

Buddy Mills: It’s alright..You know? And I know it does, I know it hurts.. We’re the clowns, you know? We’re not supposed to cry. We’re the ones who are crying inside the hardest, you know? It’s so hard!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: [ regaining his composure ] You know what I did? You know what I did yesterday? I, uh.. I practiced my act in mirror. you know? Because I wanted to see.. how they saw me.. you know? And I said, “Oh, God.. who’s that pathetic old man who forgot.. how to make.. people.. laugh..? Who’s gonna hire him?

[ Mackey finally delivers another inappropriately-timed rim shot, much to Buddy’s annoyance ]

Buddy Mills: Mackey on drums! Hey, don’t worry – you! You.. are the real deal, Spuds! You’re unbelievable! They can have their Celine Dions, and they can have those fancy ladies! They can have ’em!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Yeah, well, you know.. the women, they’ve always been trouble for me.

Buddy Mills: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Even my blow-up doll can’t keep her mouth shut! Holding.. release! I’m back!

Buddy Mills: Ha ha haaaa!! I can’t!

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Let it out!

Buddy Mills: Lemme tell ya somethin’! One thing for sure..

Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar: Let’s sing a song!

[ all four cocktail waitresses relunctanly join Buddy and Marv onstage ]

Buddy & Marv: [ singing together ]“When skies are cloudy and gray
They’re only gray for a day
So wrap your troubles in dreams
And dream your troubles away..”

Buddy Mills: Thank you for spending another night with Buddy Mills! I’d like to thank Marv “The Spuds” Crackzar! And, remember: it ain’t a one-night stand if you’re layin’ down! Haaaaa, my other ball just dropped! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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