What’s The Rush?
Sweet Pete Zernicky…..Ray Romano
[ open on title graphic, over theme song “You Can’t Hurry Love” by The Supremees ]
[ dissolve to show set, Sean and Becca seated next to one another on the couch ]
Becca: Welcome! To another episode of “What’s The Rush?” I’m Becca, and beside me is my boyfriend of three years – Sean. This is a sohw for and by people who made the pledge to forego sexual intercourse until marriage.
Sean: Just because you abstain from sex doesn’t mean you have to abstain from life.
Becca: [ laughs ] That’s so true! Last weekend.. Sean and I went camping, and we had a wonderful time.
Sean: After our ten minutes of deep, familiar kissing, and restrained, over-the-clothes petting.. we decided to lie back and try to go to sleep.
Becca: [ laughing ] It’s amazing what you hear when you’re wide awake in the forest!
Sean: [ nervous laughter ] I felt my senses were ve-ry acute!
Becca: I felt that, too! It was like I could hear a single bead of sweat roll off your brow.. down your neck.. and onto your chest.. which I imagine to be muscular, yet hairy. Like a Greek god!
Sean: [ uncomfortably horny, thanks to the epic description ] Do you, maybe, want to do some jumping jacks?
Becca: Yeah, yeah! Jumping jacks!
[ they awkwardly perform a series of jumping jacks to release their pented-up frustrations ]
Sean: I am gonna kill you!!!
Becca: [ screams playfully ] Okay! Whoo! We always get great guests on “What’s The Rush?” From Rev. Walker to Rev. Manning!
Sean: We thought we’d “switch up”, and bring out someone with a counter viewpoint.
Becca: Right. Someone who could talk about their own sexual experiences.
Sean: Because talking about it is fine!
Becca: Yeah, talking about it’s not doing it!
Sean: Yeah, what?! Now we can’t even talk about it!
Becca: Aw, give us a break!
Becca: Okay! So, please.. um.. welcome the author of the book “Don’t Just Sit There – Bone Something”. Sweet Pete Zernicky.
[ theme music plays Pete onto the set ]
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ahhhh.. So how long is this gonna take, ’cause I got some serious bonin’ to do!
Becca: Uh.. now, Pete, uh..
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. “Sweet” Pete!
Becca: Okay. Sweet Pete. Um.. why did you write this book?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Well.. we’re livin’ in crazy times. You know? Yeah. The war.. terrorists.. blue ketchup.. tiny ovens that cook things real fast! You know? We need a release. We need a release from the madness! That’s why I think bonin’ – hardcore, non-stop American bonin’.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. so, sex. What’s that like?
Becca: Yes. Sex, is it good?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeeeaaahhhh.. You know what it’s like? It’s like Christmas morning, when you’re opening up your gifts, and you’re.. you’re.. you’re filled, you’re full with this overwhelming feeling of joy. You know? It’s just like that – only in your pants.
Sean: Is it, um.. is it different every time?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Each lady is like a different song, you know? Like a different song with a different set of racks! I mean, would you want to listen to one song for the rest of your life?
Sean: No, that would suck!
Becca: Yeah, you know, I like a lot of different songs.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Hey! Hey! I got an idea! you two should bone!
[ Becca and Sen are uncomfortably silent ]
Sean: You want some water?
Becca: Yeah, okay, I’ll have some water, thank you so much!
[ Sean pours Becca half-glass of water, then pours his glass onto his crotch. He follows up by pouring the entire pitcher onto his crotch, then the contents of Becca’s unfinished glass. ]
Becca: Whoo! That’s great! Thank you so much!
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Alright, quick change of subject – how come you two haven’t boned yet?
Becca: Uh.. well, uh.. Sweet Pete.. we mutually decided to save ourselves for the ultimate wedding gift, once we’re married.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah ah ah ah.. ssshhhhhh.. ssshhhhh.. sshhhhhhhhh.. Let me tellya something – I was married once. So I know all about the “once you’re married”. You know what that’s like? It’s like driving a Porsche in a school zone. Okay? Let me use another metaphor: you wanna pork other ladies all the time, but you can’t. It’s a drag.
Sean: [ frustrated ] Ohhh, that would suck!
Sweet Pete Zernicky: So, listen.. out of curioist,y what do you guys consider sex?
Becca: [ thinking ] Um.. I won’t give.. “jobs”.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Ah.
Sean: Also, uh.. if it feels good, she won’t let me do it.
Becca: Sean, I thought this was something we both wanted?
Sean: Why don’t YOU SHUT UP??!!
Becca: I didn’t say Shut up!
Sean: You know WHAT?!! You’re not WORTH IT!!
[ they break into uncontrollable, frustrating laughter, desperate to relieve themselves of this burdon ]
Becca: Okay, well.. thank you so much for coming, Sweet Pete.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: O-kay.. my pleasure. Anything else you guys want to ask me?
Sean: Uh.. I can’t relaly think of anything right now.. [ quickly ] On Page 57 of your book, you mention three-ways! Have you ever had a three-way?!
Sweet Pete Zernicky: [ happily ] Yeah!
Becca: Have you ever done it underwater?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.
Sean: Sex in public?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yeah.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Elevator.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Yep.
Becca: Because of it being an elevator, or because of the sex?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: A little both.
Sean: Where else?
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Jet skis.. zoo.. helicopter.. haunted house.. scented candle store.. Statue of Liberty-
Sean: [ can’t take the frustrations any longer ] Okay, I’m going for a run! [ runs off set quickly ]
Becca: Okay! That has been all, you know.. all the time we have today.. Thank you so much, Sweet Pete, you’ve been truly informative and pleasant.
Sweet Pete Zernicky: Do you wanna go in my van and bone?
Becca: [ hesitant at first, but then boldly ] Yes. I do want to do that.
[ they run off to Sweet Pete’s van, to fade ]