SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 05/03/03

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 3rd, 2003

Ashton Kutcher

50 Cent

G Unit

Nate Dogg

  • The U.S.S. Lincoln

    President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) addresses Navy personnel on U.S.S. Lincoln.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

  • Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue

    Kutcher has forgotten to wear pants for his monologue.

  • Count Chocula Silver

    Count Chocula (Jimmy Fallon) changes marketing approach to address seniors.

  • Jarret’s Room

    Sole viewer from Iceland (Kutcher) stays in Jarret’s (Jimmy Fallon) dorm room.

    Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.

  • Madonna: An American Life

    Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) interviews rapidly-aging Madonna (Amy Poehler).

    Recurring Characters: Madonna.

  • Plagierism

    Teacher is well aware of students’ history paper plagierisms.
  • 50 Cent performs “In Da Club”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Liza Minelli (Maya Rudolph) & David Gest (Chris Kattan) celebrate his birthday.

    Tracy Morgan has eaten Saddam Hussein’s birthday cake.

    Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing SARS Prevention Song.

    Recurring Characters: Liza Minelli, David Gest, Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly.

  • The Falconer

    The Falconer (Will Forte) faces competition from The Muskrateer (Kutcher).

    Tracy Morgan & Dean Edwards don’t want Kutcher to “Punk” them.

    Recurring Characters: The Falconer.

  • Politics Today

    High school dropouts discuss the day’s big issues.

    Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

  • 50 Cent with G Unit & Nate Dogg performs “21 Questions”

  • 50’s Ent.

    Prisoners incite riot when they mistake pre-execution performance.

  • Global Investments

    (Rerun) See: 01/18/03.

  • Goodnights

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