SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 05/03/03


Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

May 3rd, 2003

Ashton Kutcher

50 Cent

G Unit

Nate Dogg

  • The U.S.S. Lincoln

    President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) addresses Navy personnel on U.S.S. Lincoln.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

  • Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue

    Kutcher has forgotten to wear pants for his monologue.

  • Count Chocula Silver

    Count Chocula (Jimmy Fallon) changes marketing approach to address seniors.

  • Jarret’s Room

    Sole viewer from Iceland (Kutcher) stays in Jarret’s (Jimmy Fallon) dorm room.

    Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.

  • Madonna: An American Life

    Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) interviews rapidly-aging Madonna (Amy Poehler).

    Recurring Characters: Madonna.

  • Plagierism

    Teacher is well aware of students’ history paper plagierisms.
  • 50 Cent performs “In Da Club”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Liza Minelli (Maya Rudolph) & David Gest (Chris Kattan) celebrate his birthday.

    Tracy Morgan has eaten Saddam Hussein’s birthday cake.

    Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing SARS Prevention Song.

    Recurring Characters: Liza Minelli, David Gest, Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly.

  • The Falconer

    The Falconer (Will Forte) faces competition from The Muskrateer (Kutcher).

    Tracy Morgan & Dean Edwards don’t want Kutcher to “Punk” them.

    Recurring Characters: The Falconer.

  • Politics Today

    High school dropouts discuss the day’s big issues.

    Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

  • 50 Cent with G Unit & Nate Dogg performs “21 Questions”

  • 50’s Ent.

    Prisoners incite riot when they mistake pre-execution performance.

  • Global Investments

    (Rerun) See: 01/18/03.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

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    Author: Don Roy King

    Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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