The U.S.S. Lincoln

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

The U.S.S. Lincoln

President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

[ open on exterior footage of the U.S.S. Lincoln ]

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

[ President George W. Bush steps up to the podium to address the crew ]

President George W. Bush: Good evening. Tonight.. I wish to address, not only the crew of the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, but all the men and women of our nation’s military. On behalf of the American people.. our allies.. and the newly-liberated citizens of Iraq.. I offer you our thanks, and our congratulations. The battle of Iraq is over. You have won it.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Throughout this campaign.. you have performed with courage.. brilliance.. and compassion. You have made our world a safer place, and freed an entire nation. And now.. you are going home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Your nation will never forget the sacrifices you have made. You have endured not only great danger, but separation from family and loved ones. But that separation is nearly over, and now.. you are ging home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: During your nearly ten months at sea.. you have done everything that was asked of you, without hesitation or complaint. Now, you are returning home for a well-deserved rest.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: And no one has ever deserved it more.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: And yet.. I know that, if your country asked today, you would not hesitate to turn this ship around, and head straight back to the Persian Gulf.

[ sounds of light, scattered applause can barely be heard ]

Because the war against terror is far from over.

[ sounds of light, confused applause can be heard, military personnel possibly thinking to themselves, “Say what?” ]

But for now, your work is done, and you are going home.

[ show stock footage of applauding military personnel aboard the Lincoln ]

President George W. Bush: Although.. you never know. The world reamins a dangerous place.. and your nation could call on you again tomorrow.

[ very thin applause is heard, more out of respect than enthusiasm ]

Although that is unlikely.

[ the applause is a little broader, though not quite as trusting ]

As I said – for now, you are going home.

[ the applause is greater, but nowhere near as enthusiastic as it was at the top of the speech ]

That is certain.

[ applause intensifies a little bit, but still not ready to trust where this is going ]

99.99% certain.

[ very thin applause ]

Let me ask ya’ a hypothetical question. [ clears throat ] If the United States were to invade another country next week.. which of the following countries would you most like to invade? You may applaud for more than one country. Syria?

[ scattered applause ]

Libya?

[ scattered applause ]

Argentina?

[ a couple of guys can be heard clapping ]

France?

[ broader applause than the other choices ]

Israel?

[ very scattered applause ]

North Korea?

[ a slightly higher applause rate ]

How many said North Korea?

[ those military personnel repeat their applause ]

Those of you who said North Korea, give yourselves a round of applause.

[ with relunctance, they applaud themselves for applauding earlier ]

You have been very patient, but, if you don’t mind, I have just a few more questions. By your applause.. indicate how much you agree with the following statement: “The men and women of America’s military deserve a pay increase, but what they’d really prefer is a tax cut to get the economy moving, especially an end to the double-taxation of dividends.”

[ no applause ]

Really? Hmm. Okay, one more. “If the White House were to claim that President Bush actually piloted a Navy jet during his landing on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, how believable would that claim be: Very belieavable..”

[ one guy can be heard clapping ]

“..not at all beleivable..”

[ heavy applause ]

“..or.. not very believable, but I trust this White House.”

[ light applause ]

Okay. Fair enough. And, finally.. the Republican National Committee would like to use videotaped images of today’s event in future campaign ads. Are you comfortable with that?

[ light to scattered applause ]

What if these images are used out of context, to imply your endorsement of specific policies with which you may not agree, such as the the elimination of double-taxation of dividends?

[ fearful scattered applause ]

Alright, last one. What if these images were used to open an episode of “Saturday Night Live”?

[ wild applause ]

Alright, then.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

SNL Transcripts