02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent


Teacher…..Chris Parnell
Danny…..Ashton Kutcher
Karen…..Rachel Dratch
Kirstie…..Amy Poehler
Peter…..Seth Meyers

Teacher: Well, I hope everyone had a good weekend. I know you had a big term paper due last Friday, so hopefully you rewarded yourselves with a little.. rest and relaxation. Unofrtunately, I’m, uh.. I’m afraid some of you may have relaxed too much.. and didn’t actually write your own papers. In fact, I think a certain few of you took almost everything right off the internet.

Danny: Damn!

Teacher: Something to say, Danny?

[ a beat ] No.

Teacher: Alright. Karen, let’s start with you. Uh.. you wrote your paper on “War & Peace”.

Karen: So? Is there a law against that?

Teacher: No, there’s not, Karen. But.. this is the exact same paper, word for word, that you can buy for $15 on It even has the same title and footnotes.

Karen: [ weakly ] Maybe they copied my paper.

Teacher: I don’t think they did.

Karen: They might have.

Teacher: They didn’t.

Danny: [ leaning forward ] Bus-teddddd!!

Teacher: Kirstie.

Kirstie: Yeah?

Teacher: A very nicely written paper on “A Tale Of Two Cities”.

Kirstie: Thank you.

Teacher: Uh.. but I think you may have taken it from a website called Do you know why I think that?

Kirstie: Because you like to be wrong?

Teacher: No. But an interesting guess. I think that, because the upper lefthand corner of each page says “”

Kirstie: God! I knew my plan was too perfect.

Teacher: Your plan wasn’t too perfect, Kirstie. It was wildly imperfect. You also have an F.

Danny: [ defensive ] Hey, man! I know where you’re going next. And I didn’t get my paper off the internet!

Teacher: Oh?

Danny: All those words are mine!

Teacher: Well, technically, Danny, you’re somewhat right. Um.. your paper on “The Great Gatsby” begins with what seems to be an e-mail that you wrote to your older brother. [ holds paper up ] It reads: “Hey, bro! You remember Mr. Butthole’s class? I have my final paper due, and I was wondering if you have an old copy of yours anywhere. If you do, I’d like to put my name on the top of it and turn it in as my own. How’s college? Talk to you later, skater. Danny.”

Danny: [ offended by the accusation, but with nothing better to say in his defense ] You shouldn’t read other people’s e-mails, dude..

Teacher: [ sighs ] You shouldn’t submit them to teachers. You also get an F.

Danny: [ flustered with himself ] Aw, damn! Where did I go wrong?!

Teacher: [ mocks thinking about it ] Hmm.. I think it’s pretty clear where you went wrong, uh.. but for future reference, you might want to copy the content of the paper into a Word document, rather than printing it straight off the Hotmail web page. [ turns the page around to reveal color photo of his Hotmail e-mail page ] That makes it pretty clear that it was an e-mail.

Kirstie: You.. you are good, dude..

Teacher: [ modestly ] Not really. [ Peter enters the class tardy ] Oh, Peter! I, uh.. don’t really know what to say to you..

Peter: Then, uh.. don’t say anything, man..

Teacher: Well, uh.. I’m afraid I can’t do that. You were supposed to write a paper on the book “1984”.

Peter: That’s what I did.

Teacher: Mmm.. no, you didn’t.

Peter: Yeah, man.. I did.

Teacher: You most certainly didn’t.

Peter: Then, uh.. what’s that in your hand?

Teacher: [ holds up multiple pages of supposed report ] It’s a seven-page paper that seems to have been printed directly off Um.. the book “1984” is never even mentioned. There.. ah, there are also some pictures of Mike Piazzo, which I doubt you took.

Peter: Yeah, well.. I did take them.

Teacher: [ impressed ] Oh. Well, then, your name must be Phil Steins, and you must work for the Associated Press. ‘Cause that’s who the photos are credited to.

Peter: [ meekly ] That’s right.

Teacher: So.. your name is both Peter Reed and Phil Steins?

Peter: Yep.

Kirstie: Nice! [ high-fives Peter ]

Teacher: And what’s with the AP?

Peter: That’s the deal, man!

Teacher: Ohh.. How about if I call the AP and ask if you work there?

Peter: [ confidently ] Suit yourself.

Kirstie: Ha! Nice!

Teacher: [ picks up phone from his desk ] Oh, hey – what’s your work number, Phil Steins?

Peter: [ quickly ] 5-5-5-0-1-7-9.

[ Teacher dials the number, as Kirstie’s cell phone can be heard ringing in the back of the classroom. Kirstie and Danny work out what they think is a clever way to pass it over to Peter unnoticed by the teacher ]

Teacher: What can I do for you, Mr. Steins?

Peter: [ anxious ] Can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: No, you can’t.

Peter: [ fakes a cough, then quickly answers his cellphone unnoticed while raising the pitch of his voice ] Associated Press.

Teacher: Hello. I was hoping you could help me out.

Peter: I’ll try..

Teacher: Um.. do you have a photographer named Phil Steins, who is also a high school student who calls himself Peter Reed?

Peter: Mmm.. yes indeed.

Teacher: Well, thank you. You’ve been very helpful. Um.. there’s a certain young man I owe an apology to.

Peter: [ pushing it ] Well, you better go do that!

Teacher: Oh, one last thing: What is the Associated Press?

Peter: [ stuck ] ..The Association.. of magazines and newspapers.. or, maybe.. a kind of machine.. like, perhaps, a camera.

Teacher: Hmm.. Okay, thanks. That’s what I thought.

Peter: Goodbye. [ hangs up ] [ Kirstie and Danny high-five peter, proud that you pulled off his stunt against the teacher ]

Peter: Hey, uh.. so what’s my grade?

Teacher: You’re also getting an F for cheating.

Danny, Kirstie, Peter: [ bewildered ] What..? How did you do that..? Are you psychic..?!

Teacher: [ sighs ] One last tip, okay? Don’t high-five each other every time you think you pulled one over on me. It doesn’t help your cause.

Danny: [ flustered ] DAMN!!

Teacher: Also, anyone who copied a User Review off of Amazon will be getting an F.

[ the class groans ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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