SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 05/03/03: Count Chocula Silver


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 18

02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Count Chocula Silver

Count Chocula…..Jimmy Fallon
Wife…..Rachel Dratch
Doctor…..Will Forte

[ Open on shots of seniors playing horseshoes, then eating breakfast in the morning, as pleasant music plays ]

Jingle: It’s a golden way, to start your golden day …

Male V/O: Breakfast has always been the most important meal of the day. But in our later years, we need a cereal specially formulated to meet our changing needs.

[ Shot of cereal being poured into a bowl ]

Male V/O: So, if you’re an active senior looking to start the day right …

[ Shot of the product ]

Male V/O: … reach for a bowl of new Count Chocula Silver.

[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula in the front yard, playing fetch with his dog ]

Count Chocula: Atta boy, puppy, good dog. [ walks towards the camera ] Hi! I’m Count Chocula.

[ SUPER: “COUNT CHOCULA / Corporate Spokesman, Active Senior” ]

Count Chocula: You know, when you get to be my age, people start telling you to slow down. But the way I see it, I’m just getting started. Bwa-ah-ah-ah!

[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula indoors, at the table ]

Count Chocula: That’s why I developed new Count Chocula Silver. [ Close-up of the box ] It’s got the fiber and vitamins seniors need to reduce cholesterol and the risk of heart disease, because like it or not, there comes a time when you need to consider your health. [ he sets the box on the table ] You see, awhile back, I had a real scare.

[ Count Chocula narrates flashbacks of himself as somber music plays: he wakes up in the middle of the night and clutches his abdomen; he gets examined by the doctor ]

Count Chocula V/O: I was waking up with cramps. I was sluggish and irregular. I went to see my doctor and he told me that he was going to have to run some tests.

[ In the doctor’s office, the doctor displays a chart detailing the risk factor of Men, Vampires, and Chocolate Vampires ]

Count Chocula V/O: He said many men my age were at high risk for colon cancer, and that, as a Chocolate Vampire, my risk could be even higher.

[ He sits in the examination room, looking nervous ]

Count Chocula V/O: I’ll be honest … I was scared.

[ Back to him in the kitchen ]

Count Chocula: I mean, I’m 178 years old and … all I’ve ever eaten is sugar-coated crap. [ holds up a bowl ] Bowls of it.

[ Back to the examination room ]

Count Chocula V/O: When the doctor said he had the test results, my life flashed before my eyes. But then he said, [ the doctor mouths the words ] “Count Chocula, you’re fine.

[ Back to Count Chocula sitting at the table with the cereal. The happy music resumes ]

Count Chocula: And I intend to stay that way, by keeping my colon healthy. You see, Count Chocula Silver works with your body, to keep you regular, gently softening your stool, while adding bulk to your movements for easier elimination. Plus … it has kooky marshmallow bats! Bwa-ah-ah-ah-ah! [ becomes serious ] Your health is your future. Make sure you’re around to enjoy it.

[ His wife and grandkids approach him as he eats, and he does his trademark laugh again. They all gather for a generic happy pose, followed by a final shot of the product ]

Jingle: …Count Chocula Silver!

Male V/O: Brought to you by General Mills, makers of Frankenberry for Post-Menopausal Women.

[ Fade out ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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