Madonna: An American Life


02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Madonna: An American Life

Matt Lauer…..Seth Meyers
Madonna…..Amy Poehler
Voice…..Ashton Kutcher


Announcer: Tonight: a “Dateline” special. Madonna: An American Life. Here’s Matt Lauer.

[ dissolve to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Good evening. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. no.. Katie is not here. She’s not coming. I can host things by myself. So, please.. give me a break.

Madonna. Two decades later, and she is still as fearless as ever. We sat down with the boy toy turned yummy mommy to see how her life.. has changed.

[ dissolve to Matt at sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]

Matt Lauer: You look wonderful. You seem great.

Madonna: I am great. I have a wonderful family. and I’ve never been happier.

Matt Lauer: Madonna, you’ve been famous for so long. You’re 44 years old now. How does it feel to be so old?

Madonna: Sometimes bad.. sometimes sad. Always old.

Matt Lauer: What is a day with the old Madonna like? What is her typical schedule?

Madonna: My day is like everyone else’s. Two hours of yoga.. an hour of intense Kabalah study.. followed by underwater pilates.. tea and scones.. a three-hour argument with Guy Ritchie in the street.. my children’s pilates.. and.. I usually end the day by having a three-way with Sting and Trudy Styles.

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. The old broad seemed as feisty as ever. And I was doing pretty well without Katie. I spoke to Madonna about her career choices. And here’s what the 50-year old pop icon had to say.

[ dissolve back to Matt at the sit-down interview with Madonna in another studio ]

Matt Lauer: You’re 58 years old. Anything you regret in your life?

Madonna: I don’t like to use the word “regret”. I feel that one can never regret their art. They can only desperately wish that they had not.. shaved their art.. taken pictures of their art.. and put their art in a book.

Matt Lauer: So, you have no regrets?

Madonna: No.

Matt Lauer: You don’t regret “Dick Tracy”?

Madonna: Nope.

Matt Lauer: “Shanghai Surprise”?

Madonna: Never saw it.

Matt Lauer: Dennis Rodman.

Madonna: He led the league in rebounding.

Matt Lauer: You’re telling me you don’t regret.. “Swept Away”?

Madonna: [ sighs ] “Swept Away” was the kind of movie that was.. not supposed to be good.. and, if people can’t understand that.. well, then, I just don’t know..! [ laughs ]

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. The 62-year old who never stops re-inventing herself. She took a moment to show me.. how she’s learning to play the guitar.

[ dissolve to Madonna holding steady to an acoustic guitar ]

Madonna: [ strumming her guitar off-key ] It’s really important to get out of your “comfort zone”. I’ve made a lot of progress.

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: Madonna. 70 years young. Despite her decision to pull her controversial video, “American Life”, the album debuted at #1. When she performed her in-store concert.. “Dateline”.. was there.

[ dissolve back to Madonna performing her in-store concert at Tower Records ]

Madonna: [ plucking guitar ] “American Life!” [ customers applaud politely ] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for coming out to Tower Records, do you have any requests?

Voice: “Like A Virgin”!

Madonna: [ surprised ] Oh.. I don’t know.. I haven’t sung that one in a while! Is that still a song any more? [ laughs, as two-man band plays behind her ] I’ll try it.. [ singing ] “Like a vi-i-i-irgi-i-i-innn.. touched for the very first-” [ changes pitches of her voice ] Gotta find my key.. [ samples different pitches until she’s back on track ] Like a.. like a.. like a.. like a-” There it is! “Like a vir-r-r-r..” That’s not it.. [ begins singing with a deep voice, then stops ] You guys suck!

[ dissolve back to Matt Laurer standing alone in the studio next to giant monitor ]

Matt Lauer: There you have it. Madonna. Sexy. Fearless. 80 years old, with a vagina closing in on a hundred. I’m Matt Lauer, and.. yes.. I’m going to keep my hair like this for a while. And, no.. I don’t know when it’s going to grow back. And, yes.. my wife likes it. And, no.. Katie is not as nice in person. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *