Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue
[ Kutcher comes running onto Home Base, apparently unaware that he’s not wearing any pants ]
Ashton Kutcher: Thank you, thank you! Man, it is fan-tast-ic to be in New York City! Hosting has this show has been a dream of mine for, like.. I don’t even know how long! What.. like, eight months? And now, it’s finally happening! You don’t even.. this is a dream come true![ tight shot on Kutcher’s face, as thoughts race through his mind ]
Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Oh, my God! I’m so pumped! Oh, my God, I’m so pumped! Everything is going perfectly.. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?
Ashton Kutcher: And now.. I’m hosting! This is.. this casr is amazing! I can’t beleive the job they do here every week! I mean, there’s so much to remember! you always feel like you’re going to forget something, like.. I don’t know.. like, your lines.. is it cool to make gay jokes around Kattan.. it’s unbelievable! You know.. it’s a lot colder in here than I thought it would be..
Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: I bet I forgot to zip my zipper.. Okay.. be cool.. check your zipper. Raise your hand.. slowly.. no one os noticing.. nooo.. I forgot the zipper altogether. Okay. I’m not wearing any pants. Cripes! Oh, God! Be cool. Do what everyone came here to see you do.. your fantastic impressions!
Ashton Kutcher: Soooo.. I was thinking about performing with 50 Cent tonight, annnd.. since Eminem couldn’t make it, and they’re kind of like partners.. I was thinking I could just, like, jump in on one of his songs, like, as Eminem.. like.. you know.. like, uh.. just be like.. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!” Yeah, or like, like.. “I love you like Baby Hailey in a Vicadin break! I love you like Pamela loves Kid Rock! I love you like Jenny loves the block!” Just something like that, maybe..[ Maya Rudolph appears on stage ]
Maya Rudolph: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Ashton Kutcher: Hey! Maya Rudolph, everybody!
Maya Rudolph: Hi, baby, how are you? So, what’s up? How’s about a.. how’s about a hug for Mama, huh? [ they hug ]
Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Ohhh.. this is not good.. No hugging the ladies in the tightie-whities.. Abort! Abort!
Ashton Kutcher: [ coming back ] Oh.. yeah.
Maya Rudolph: Are you doing alright, Ashton?
Ashton Kutcher: Yeah! Yeah! I’m good! Um.. let’s save the hugging for the party!
Maya Rudolph: Ha-ah! Absolutely!
Chris Parnell: Hey, how about a hug for Papa?
Ashton Kutcher: Uh.. may-maybe not now, Chris..
Chris Parnell: Okay. [ chuckles ] Fair enough. Then, uh.. do you mind if I wtch the rest of your monologue from over there in that dark corner?
Ashton Kutcher: Knock yourself out, man.
Chris Parnell: I just might! [ chuckles ]
Ashton Kutcher: Alright.. I gotta get some clothes on. So, you stick around.. we got a great show, and I promise I won’t forget anything else! 50 Cent is here..And we will be right back!