Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue


02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue

…..Ashton Kutcher
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Chris Parnell

[ Kutcher comes running onto Home Base, apparently unaware that he’s not wearing any pants ]

Ashton Kutcher: Thank you, thank you! Man, it is fan-tast-ic to be in New York City! Hosting has this show has been a dream of mine for, like.. I don’t even know how long! What.. like, eight months? And now, it’s finally happening! You don’t even.. this is a dream come true!

[ tight shot on Kutcher’s face, as thoughts race through his mind ]

Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Oh, my God! I’m so pumped! Oh, my God, I’m so pumped! Everything is going perfectly.. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?

Ashton Kutcher: And now.. I’m hosting! This is.. this casr is amazing! I can’t beleive the job they do here every week! I mean, there’s so much to remember! you always feel like you’re going to forget something, like.. I don’t know.. like, your lines.. is it cool to make gay jokes around Kattan.. it’s unbelievable! You know.. it’s a lot colder in here than I thought it would be..

Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: I bet I forgot to zip my zipper.. Okay.. be cool.. check your zipper. Raise your hand.. slowly.. no one os noticing.. nooo.. I forgot the zipper altogether. Okay. I’m not wearing any pants. Cripes! Oh, God! Be cool. Do what everyone came here to see you do.. your fantastic impressions!

Ashton Kutcher: Soooo.. I was thinking about performing with 50 Cent tonight, annnd.. since Eminem couldn’t make it, and they’re kind of like partners.. I was thinking I could just, like, jump in on one of his songs, like, as Eminem.. like.. you know.. like, uh.. just be like.. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!” Yeah, or like, like.. “I love you like Baby Hailey in a Vicadin break! I love you like Pamela loves Kid Rock! I love you like Jenny loves the block!” Just something like that, maybe..

[ Maya Rudolph appears on stage ]

Maya Rudolph: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ashton Kutcher: Hey! Maya Rudolph, everybody!

Maya Rudolph: Hi, baby, how are you? So, what’s up? How’s about a.. how’s about a hug for Mama, huh? [ they hug ]

Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Ohhh.. this is not good.. No hugging the ladies in the tightie-whities.. Abort! Abort!

Ashton Kutcher: [ coming back ] Oh.. yeah.

Maya Rudolph: Are you doing alright, Ashton?

Ashton Kutcher: Yeah! Yeah! I’m good! Um.. let’s save the hugging for the party!

Maya Rudolph: Ha-ah! Absolutely!

[ Chris Parnell jumps on stage ]

Chris Parnell: Hey, how about a hug for Papa?

Ashton Kutcher: Uh.. may-maybe not now, Chris..

Chris Parnell: Okay. [ chuckles ] Fair enough. Then, uh.. do you mind if I wtch the rest of your monologue from over there in that dark corner?

Ashton Kutcher: Knock yourself out, man.

Chris Parnell: I just might! [ chuckles ]

Ashton Kutcher: Alright.. I gotta get some clothes on. So, you stick around.. we got a great show, and I promise I won’t forget anything else! 50 Cent is here..And we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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