SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

[ presented in the Iraqi language, with English subtitles ] [ open on “Saddam & Osama” title card ]

Announcer: It’s the Abu Dhabi Kids Network! State-run and gobs of fun.

“Saddam & Osama!
On the run from American imperialist pig-eaters.
Satan tries to catch them
But they are endowed with amazing transforming powers.
Glory be to Allah!
Saddam & Osama!”

[ dissolve to Saddam and Osama sharing soup in the desert with a nomad ]

Saddam Hussein: Ah.. this soup will sustain us.

Nomad: Anything to help Super-Titans of Jihad!

Osama bin Laden: Your people are loyal, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Yes. [ over flashback statue footage ] Like the time I turned into a statue, and had to get all of Baghdad to play along by hitting me with shoes!

Osama bin Laden: Yes! All the world was fooled!

[ cut to CIA Headquarters, where cowboy hat-clad CIA members type on computers ]

CIA Agent #1: It appears Hussein is 13 degrees northwest of Mosul.

CIA Agent #2: Excellent! Alert the general, as we fornicate.

[ the two CIA agents begin to make out ] [ cut to the White House ]

President George W. Bush: [ in the image of a monkey ] Boo-hoo-hoo! If me don’t capture Arab soon, me going to crap myself!

Dick Cheney: [ eating a whole, roasted pig ] All is well, sir. Soon, we will rename Iraq East Dakota.

President George W. Bush: Too many words. No understand.

Dick Cheney: I will alert Israeli Prime Minister Sharon. [ looks below desk ] Mr. Sharon, we’ve located them.

Prime Minister Sharon: [ rises from behind the desk, wearing only a large diaper ] Fantastic!

Dick Cheney: Who told you to stop?

Prime Minister Sharon: Yes, sir. [ drops back behind the desk ] [ dissolve back to the desert, as a pigeon in a beret delivers a letter to Saddam ]

Saddam Hussein: Cracky! Good to see you, old friend!

Osama bin Laden: Why the long face, Saddam?

Saddam Hussein: It’s a letter from my wives. How I miss them.

Osama bin Laden: I miss mine. But, look – there is no time for tears. [ points to arriving American tanks ] [ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “Saddam & Osama” will return after these messages..

[ dissolve to commercials ]

Announcer: Next, on Abu Dhabi Kids..

[ show scenes from a Bat-Man cartoon ]

Announcer: Bat-Man faces not one.. but four treacherous villains as he battles..

[ show The Joker ]

The Jew..

..and also does battle with..

[ show The Riddler ]

..the other Jew..

As they join forces with..

[ show The Penguin ]

The little old Jew. Next on.. “Bat-Man”.

[ cut to “Martyrs” title card ]

Announcer: Then, on “The Martyrs”, Halabi has too much ice cream and is far too happy.

Halabi: Not again! How am I going to eat all this delicious ice cream..?

Voice of Allah: That’s your problem, Halabi. But don’t neglect your seventy virgins.

[ seventy copies of the Olson Twins suddenly surround Halabi ]

Olson Virgins: Please hurry, Halabi!!

Halabi: Allah, you spoil me..

[ cut to “Disney Favorites” card, with Information Minister Mohammed standing foreground ]

Announcer: Then, it’s “Disney Favorites”, hosted by the Information Minister Mohammed.

Information Minister Mohammed: The Queen has arrived and has beheaded the dwarves, I swear by God, she remains the fairest of them all. Snow White and the Prince have committed suicide, and God will roast their stomachs in Hell.

Announcer: On “Disney Favorites”.

[ cut to intercut images of kids dancing with decal-designed rocks and Iraqis throwing the same rocks at American tanks ]

Jingle: Rocks! Rocks! Rocks!
They come with cool decals
and cool flourescent colors.
Then you throw them at the soldiers.
Collect them all!

[ cut back to “Saddam & Osama” title card ]

Announcer: And now, back to “Saddam & Osama”.

[ the American tanks move in fast ]

Saddam Hussein: It’s go-time, Sammy!

[ Saddam & Osama grab and make their power chant ]

Saddam & Osama: Power, power!

[ Saddam morphs into a goat, as Osama morphs into a bag of pork rinds ]

American General: [ passing Osama/pork rinds in his tank ] Wait.. were those pork rinds? [ wags tongue and turns his tank around ] Infidelicious!

Saddam Hussein: Osama, no!

Osama bin Laden: Uh-oh.. bad choice.

[ Saddam morphs into the car from “The Duke’s Of Hazzard”. Osama/pork rinds jumps inside ]

Saddam & Osama: Hee-haw!

[ they jump over the hills and escape ]

Osama bin Laden: You saved my holy butt.

Saddam Hussein: Can I have one pork rind?

Osama bin Laden: [ stern ] Sad-dam…

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Saddam & Osama”!

[ credits roll, numerous names written in the Iraqi language except for one credit to Sean Penn as a writer ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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