SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03: TV Funhouse

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 19

02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

[ presented in the Iraqi language, with English subtitles ] [ open on “Saddam & Osama” title card ]

Announcer: It’s the Abu Dhabi Kids Network! State-run and gobs of fun.

“Saddam & Osama!
On the run from American imperialist pig-eaters.
Satan tries to catch them
But they are endowed with amazing transforming powers.
Glory be to Allah!
Saddam & Osama!”

[ dissolve to Saddam and Osama sharing soup in the desert with a nomad ]

Saddam Hussein: Ah.. this soup will sustain us.

Nomad: Anything to help Super-Titans of Jihad!

Osama bin Laden: Your people are loyal, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Yes. [ over flashback statue footage ] Like the time I turned into a statue, and had to get all of Baghdad to play along by hitting me with shoes!

Osama bin Laden: Yes! All the world was fooled!

[ cut to CIA Headquarters, where cowboy hat-clad CIA members type on computers ]

CIA Agent #1: It appears Hussein is 13 degrees northwest of Mosul.

CIA Agent #2: Excellent! Alert the general, as we fornicate.

[ the two CIA agents begin to make out ] [ cut to the White House ]

President George W. Bush: [ in the image of a monkey ] Boo-hoo-hoo! If me don’t capture Arab soon, me going to crap myself!

Dick Cheney: [ eating a whole, roasted pig ] All is well, sir. Soon, we will rename Iraq East Dakota.

President George W. Bush: Too many words. No understand.

Dick Cheney: I will alert Israeli Prime Minister Sharon. [ looks below desk ] Mr. Sharon, we’ve located them.

Prime Minister Sharon: [ rises from behind the desk, wearing only a large diaper ] Fantastic!

Dick Cheney: Who told you to stop?

Prime Minister Sharon: Yes, sir. [ drops back behind the desk ] [ dissolve back to the desert, as a pigeon in a beret delivers a letter to Saddam ]

Saddam Hussein: Cracky! Good to see you, old friend!

Osama bin Laden: Why the long face, Saddam?

Saddam Hussein: It’s a letter from my wives. How I miss them.

Osama bin Laden: I miss mine. But, look – there is no time for tears. [ points to arriving American tanks ] [ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: “Saddam & Osama” will return after these messages..

[ dissolve to commercials ]

Announcer: Next, on Abu Dhabi Kids..

[ show scenes from a Bat-Man cartoon ]

Announcer: Bat-Man faces not one.. but four treacherous villains as he battles..

[ show The Joker ]

The Jew..

..and also does battle with..

[ show The Riddler ]

..the other Jew..

As they join forces with..

[ show The Penguin ]

The little old Jew. Next on.. “Bat-Man”.

[ cut to “Martyrs” title card ]

Announcer: Then, on “The Martyrs”, Halabi has too much ice cream and is far too happy.

Halabi: Not again! How am I going to eat all this delicious ice cream..?

Voice of Allah: That’s your problem, Halabi. But don’t neglect your seventy virgins.

[ seventy copies of the Olson Twins suddenly surround Halabi ]

Olson Virgins: Please hurry, Halabi!!

Halabi: Allah, you spoil me..

[ cut to “Disney Favorites” card, with Information Minister Mohammed standing foreground ]

Announcer: Then, it’s “Disney Favorites”, hosted by the Information Minister Mohammed.

Information Minister Mohammed: The Queen has arrived and has beheaded the dwarves, I swear by God, she remains the fairest of them all. Snow White and the Prince have committed suicide, and God will roast their stomachs in Hell.

Announcer: On “Disney Favorites”.

[ cut to intercut images of kids dancing with decal-designed rocks and Iraqis throwing the same rocks at American tanks ]

Jingle: Rocks! Rocks! Rocks!
They come with cool decals
and cool flourescent colors.
Then you throw them at the soldiers.
Collect them all!

[ cut back to “Saddam & Osama” title card ]

Announcer: And now, back to “Saddam & Osama”.

[ the American tanks move in fast ]

Saddam Hussein: It’s go-time, Sammy!

[ Saddam & Osama grab and make their power chant ]

Saddam & Osama: Power, power!

[ Saddam morphs into a goat, as Osama morphs into a bag of pork rinds ]

American General: [ passing Osama/pork rinds in his tank ] Wait.. were those pork rinds? [ wags tongue and turns his tank around ] Infidelicious!

Saddam Hussein: Osama, no!

Osama bin Laden: Uh-oh.. bad choice.

[ Saddam morphs into the car from “The Duke’s Of Hazzard”. Osama/pork rinds jumps inside ]

Saddam & Osama: Hee-haw!

[ they jump over the hills and escape ]

Osama bin Laden: You saved my holy butt.

Saddam Hussein: Can I have one pork rind?

Osama bin Laden: [ stern ] Sad-dam…

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “Saddam & Osama”!

[ credits roll, numerous names written in the Iraqi language except for one credit to Sean Penn as a writer ] [ fade ]

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