Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 19
Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet
[ presented in the Iraqi language, with English subtitles ]
[ open on “Saddam & Osama” title card ]
Announcer: It’s the Abu Dhabi Kids Network! State-run and gobs of fun.
“Saddam & Osama!
On the run from American imperialist pig-eaters.
Satan tries to catch them
But they are endowed with amazing transforming powers.
Glory be to Allah!
Saddam & Osama!”
[ dissolve to Saddam and Osama sharing soup in the desert with a nomad ]
Saddam Hussein: Ah.. this soup will sustain us.
Nomad: Anything to help Super-Titans of Jihad!
Osama bin Laden: Your people are loyal, Saddam.
Saddam Hussein: Yes. [ over flashback statue footage ] Like the time I turned into a statue, and had to get all of Baghdad to play along by hitting me with shoes!
Osama bin Laden: Yes! All the world was fooled!
[ cut to CIA Headquarters, where cowboy hat-clad CIA members type on computers ]
CIA Agent #1: It appears Hussein is 13 degrees northwest of Mosul.
CIA Agent #2: Excellent! Alert the general, as we fornicate.
[ the two CIA agents begin to make out ]
[ cut to the White House ]
President George W. Bush: [ in the image of a monkey ] Boo-hoo-hoo! If me don’t capture Arab soon, me going to crap myself!
Dick Cheney: [ eating a whole, roasted pig ] All is well, sir. Soon, we will rename Iraq East Dakota.
President George W. Bush: Too many words. No understand.
Dick Cheney: I will alert Israeli Prime Minister Sharon. [ looks below desk ] Mr. Sharon, we’ve located them.
Prime Minister Sharon: [ rises from behind the desk, wearing only a large diaper ] Fantastic!
Dick Cheney: Who told you to stop?
Prime Minister Sharon: Yes, sir. [ drops back behind the desk ]
[ dissolve back to the desert, as a pigeon in a beret delivers a letter to Saddam ]
Saddam Hussein: Cracky! Good to see you, old friend!
Osama bin Laden: Why the long face, Saddam?
Saddam Hussein: It’s a letter from my wives. How I miss them.
Osama bin Laden: I miss mine. But, look – there is no time for tears. [ points to arriving American tanks ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Announcer: “Saddam & Osama” will return after these messages..
[ dissolve to commercials ]
Announcer: Next, on Abu Dhabi Kids..
[ show scenes from a Bat-Man cartoon ]
Announcer: Bat-Man faces not one.. but four treacherous villains as he battles..
[ show The Joker ]
..and also does battle with..
[ show The Riddler ]
..the other Jew..
As they join forces with..
[ show The Penguin ]
The little old Jew. Next on.. “Bat-Man”.
[ cut to “Martyrs” title card ]
Announcer: Then, on “The Martyrs”, Halabi has too much ice cream and is far too happy.
Halabi: Not again! How am I going to eat all this delicious ice cream..?
Voice of Allah: That’s your problem, Halabi. But don’t neglect your seventy virgins.
[ seventy copies of the Olson Twins suddenly surround Halabi ]
Olson Virgins: Please hurry, Halabi!!
Halabi: Allah, you spoil me..
[ cut to “Disney Favorites” card, with Information Minister Mohammed standing foreground ]
Announcer: Then, it’s “Disney Favorites”, hosted by the Information Minister Mohammed.
Information Minister Mohammed: The Queen has arrived and has beheaded the dwarves, I swear by God, she remains the fairest of them all. Snow White and the Prince have committed suicide, and God will roast their stomachs in Hell.
Announcer: On “Disney Favorites”.
[ cut to intercut images of kids dancing with decal-designed rocks and Iraqis throwing the same rocks at American tanks ]
Jingle: Rocks! Rocks! Rocks!
They come with cool decals
and cool flourescent colors.
Then you throw them at the soldiers.
Collect them all!
[ cut back to “Saddam & Osama” title card ]
Announcer: And now, back to “Saddam & Osama”.
[ the American tanks move in fast ]
Saddam Hussein: It’s go-time, Sammy!
[ Saddam & Osama grab and make their power chant ]
Saddam & Osama: Power, power!
[ Saddam morphs into a goat, as Osama morphs into a bag of pork rinds ]
American General: [ passing Osama/pork rinds in his tank ] Wait.. were those pork rinds? [ wags tongue and turns his tank around ] Infidelicious!
Saddam Hussein: Osama, no!
Osama bin Laden: Uh-oh.. bad choice.
[ Saddam morphs into the car from “The Duke’s Of Hazzard”. Osama/pork rinds jumps inside ]
Saddam & Osama: Hee-haw!
[ they jump over the hills and escape ]
Osama bin Laden: You saved my holy butt.
Saddam Hussein: Can I have one pork rind?
Osama bin Laden: [ stern ] Sad-dam…
[ cut to title card ]
Announcer: “Saddam & Osama”!
[ credits roll, numerous names written in the Iraqi language except for one credit to Sean Penn as a writer ]
[ fade ]