SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03: Live With Regis & Kelly



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 19




02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

Live With Regis & Kelly

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
Gelman…..Chris Kattan
Pete Sokolov…..Adrien Brody

Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis & Kelly”! Today, we’ve got “Law & Order: SVU”‘s Mariska Hargitay, “All My Children”‘s Michael Ian Knight. Plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia winner Pete Sokolov. Now, here are Regis Philbin & Kelly Ripa!

[ dissolve to set, as Regis and Kelly enter and sit in their chairs ]

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Hello! Spring is here!

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Spring is here!

Regis Philbin: Good morning!

Kelly Ripa: Spring’s here!

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy! Welcome back! Kipa’s back!

Kelly Ripa: Hell-ooo!! [ audience applauds ] Thank you.. thank you.. thank you..!

Regis Philbin: Well, her maternity leave is over, and I understand you’ve got an important.. announcement to make – a new addition to her life?

Kelly Ripa: That’s right, Regis. I got.. BANGS!!

Regis Philbin: Thank God, I was afraid you were gonna say you got knocked-up again!!

Kelly Ripa: No more, Reege.. my husband says we are done. No more babies for at least six more months!

Regis Philbin: You heard it here first, folks.. no babies until October!

Kelly Ripa: No..

Regis Philbin: Alright. So, how are you this morning?

Kelly Ripa: You know, Regis, I am really tired, you know? What with the kids.. and the new baby.. and this show.. and the appearances on “Ed”.. and the shampoo commercials.. and my new sitcom.. and getting these bangs.. Whoo-oo, I’m tired!

Regis Philbin: Well, you look great. I mean, you never age.

Kelly Ripa: Awww!

Regis Philbin: You’re like Dorian Gray!

Kelly Ripa: Dorian Gray? Who is that, Reege?! I don’t know who that is!

Regis Philbin: Well, that’s fine.. How are you today, Gelman?

Gelman: [ daintily holding a parasol ] I’m great, Reege!

Regis Philbin: What’d you do this weekend, Gelman?

Gelman: Not much. We stayed in. My wife read her book, and, uh.. I goofed around on the internet.

Regis Philbin: You’re playing with fire, Gelman. [ Gelman stares back at Regis ] Now, I myself, had brunch at Tavern On The Green, with the Sedakas – Neil and Leila. Of course, you know Neil Sedaka?

Kelly Ripa: Yes, Neil Sedaka, the famous astronaut!

Regis Philbin: [ shaking his head ] Who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

Gelman: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia winner Pete Sokolov, Reege.

Regis Philbin: Oh, boy. This guy won one of our trips – a five-day hiking adventure in the Colorado Rockies. And he’s here to tell us all about it. Please welcome.. Pete Sokolov.

[ Pete Sokolov enters the set, with his left arm missing from under his jacket. He appears unhappy ]

Regis Philbin: Welcome, Pete!

Pete Sokolov: Thanks, Reege..

Regis Philbin: Soooo.. you went hiking in the Colorado Rockies. That must have been something else. It’s so picturesque.

Pete Sokolov: Well, yes.. it was very pretty out there at first..

Regis Philbin: Gorgeous!

Pete Sokolov: And then we got into a patch of bad weather, and had some unexpected snow..

Regis Philbin: Beautiful!

Pete Sokolov: And, uh.. well, we got trapped up there, and.. I don’t know if you read this in any of the papers.

Regis Philbin: I did not! Joy won’t let me read the papers because it makes my blood pressure go up.

Kelly Ripa: I get all my news from E! because I think newspapers are messy! And I don’t wanna get my HANDS DIRTY!! [ slaps and hugs on Regis ] Oh, regis! I’m so TIRED!!

Regis Philbin: I can tell!

Kelly Ripa: I could fall asleep on you RIGHT NOW!!

Regis Philbin: You sure?

Pete Sokolov: [ trying to continue with dignity ] Well.. it was in the papers, because, uh.. you know, I got pinned under a rock up there.. I had to cut my.. arm off with a credit card.

Regis Philbin: Why can’t I get one of those credit card commercials? Seinfeld’s got one.. Yao Ming’s got one, but I DON’T!! WHY?!

Kelly Ripa: Okay, anyway, anyway.. your arm is bloody.. go ahead.

Pete Sokolov: Yes. And, uh.. well, I made a homemade tourniquette, and I.. waited for help.. I had very little to eat.. the frostbite was unbearable.. and I began to pray for a pack of wolves, or a lightning bolt, or.. just. anything! Anything to end my misery and torment. I just closed my eyes.. and I made my peace with God..

Regis Philbin: Terr-if-ic! Gelman? Gelman? Would you do this Would you cut your arm off to escape being trapped?

Gelman: [ happily ] I haven’t yet, Reege!

Regis Philbin: Gelman, I’ve gotta ask you.. what’s with the parasol?

Gelman: I’m worried about SARS!

Kelly Ripa: Me, too! Me, too! I am against SARS! [ Regis is stunned by her outburst ] I HATE it!! Right, Reege?

Regis Philbin: Okay. That’s fair enough. [ turns to Pete ] Pete, I want to thank you for being here. Now, we can’t give you your arm back.. but we can give you these two wonderful tickets. Front row seats to see “Gypsy”, starring Bernadette Peters. Do you like musicals, Pete?

Pete Sokolov: Well, I-I love musicals! What, are you kidding me?! [ laughs happily ]

Regis Philbin: Yeah, well, it’s a wonderful show. Of course, I saw the original, starring Ethel Merman.

Kelly Ripa: Ethel Merman..?

[ this time, Regis joins Kelly for the dialogue he knows is coming ]

Together: Who IS that, Reege?! I don’t know who that IS!!

Regis Philbin: Well, when we come back.. [ Kelly wraps herself around Regis, groping accordingly ] You finished?

Kelly Ripa: NO!!

Regis Philbin: Mariska Hagababa is here-

Kelly Ripa: Hargitay!

[ fade ]

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