Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 19
Business Executive…..Amy Poehler
[ open on interior meeting room, Velvet Productions ]
Hector: Alright, guys.. we’ve got a lot of work to do. There’s a bunch of hot, new guy-on-guy productions that just wrapped. It’s time to get ’em out for the new, traditional Father’s Day gay porn sales. We need to come up with titles for all of them today!
Toby: [ sighs ] That’s right folks, we better buckle down. These hardcore homosexual flicks ain’t gonna name themselves.
Business Executive: [ confused and uneasy about where she’s at ] I’m sorry.. I think I-I’m in the wrong meeting.. Is there also an architectural firm on this floor?
Hector: [ points out to hall ] Past Reception, down the right.
Business Executive: Okay, right, thanks, sorry.. [ scrambles to get out of the room as quickly as possible ]
Hector: Okay, now.. all the latest stuff that we shot are porn versions of recent popular movies. For instance, um.. we have a movie here, um.. based on “The X-Men”. Any, uh.. title suggestions?
Toby & Norman: [ in unison ] “The.. Sex-Men”!
Hector: Nice. That’s nice. I hope they’re all that easy. Any ideas for “Lord of the Rings”?
Norman: [ thinking ] Maybe, uh.. “Lord of the Rims“?
Hector: [ considering ] Well.. with the right cover photo, it could work.. yes. Moving on.. uh.. hmm.. “Sweet Home Alabama”?
Toby: Hmm.. “Sweet Home Alan’s Butthole“.
Hector: That was excellent, Toby! That was just excellent work! We’ll have to add a character named Alan, but it’s worth it!
Toby: Thank you, Hector.
Hector: how ’bout “Bend It Like Beckham”?
Norman: “Bend Over Like Beckham”!
Hector: That’s dynamite! “Gladiator”?
Toby: “Glad.. He.. Ate.. Him“.
Hector: We are just cooking with gas here, guys! Now.. the next one is.. “The Pianist”.
Hector: [ finally, a tough one. Toby and Norman struggle for ideas. ]
Toby: Huh..? “The Pianist“..
Norman: “The Pianist“..?
Hector: [ confidently ] “The Pianist“.
Toby: And this is a gay flick, too?
Hector: The gayest.
Norman: Gay porno based on “The Pianist“.. What to call it..?
Toby: “The Pianist“.. “The Pianist“.. Pianist.. Pianist.. Pianist..
Norman: Boy, this is a huge pickle..
Hector: Yes, that was a good movie.. but we really have to focus on “The Pianist”..
Norman: Well, uh.. what happens in it, plot-wise? Maybe that would help.
Hector: [ flipping through note cards ] Let’s see, uh.. ah! “A musician endowed with extraordinary sexual power is the center of a gay orgy in war-torn Europe.”
Toby: It sounds like a hot film.
Hector: It is.. real hot.
Norman: [ growing angry with himself ] Look, that doesn’t much matter if there’s no title, now does it?!
Hector: Norman, relax, alright.. we’re gonna get it.. we’re gonna get it, okay? I mean, remember how hard it was naming the porn version of “The Horse Whisperer”? Or.. “Monster’s Ball”? But we did it, we came up with “Monster’s Balls“. And we’re gonna get this one, too!
Norman: I know we will.. I know..
Hector: Look.. let’s just take a step back a minute, okay? Think of things.. that make you think about gay porn. You know? I mean, make a list, okay? [ flips over blackboard and erases some prior scribblings ] I’ll start, okay? See if this triggers anything. [ writes “Asses” on the board ] Asses. Ass. What else?
Norman: Handlebar moustaches!
Hector: I-I’ll just put “Hair”. [ writes it down ] Okay. My turn. [ thinking ] Gay porn.. naked dudes.. “Pianist”.. This is really getting us nowhere.. let’s just, uh.. let’s just try to get off- I mean, let’s get off piano. Wha-what’s like a piano?
Toby: Um.. annn.. organ..?
Hector: Organ? That’s no help, man. Dammit, this is so hard!
Norman: [ struggling ] “The.. Pi-an-ass?”
Toby: “Theeee.. Sex-Having Guy“..
Hector: You know.. why don’t we just stick a pin in this one for a while, and come back to it later?
Toby: Yeah, that’s a really good idea. What’s the next title we have to do?
Hector: Okay, the next one is.. a movie.. called “Holes”![ more confusion now present ]
Toby: Boy, this is gonna be a long night..
Hector: Well, then put the coffee on, Toby, because we’re not gonna be the ones who ruin Father’s Day!
Toby: [ sighs ] Okay..[ dissolve to Father’s Day promo card ]
Announcer: Don’t forget “Father’s Day”, June 15th! Brought to you by the Gay Porn Industry![ fade ]