SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder

Dan Aykroyd…..Sam Elliott
Tom Davis…..Announcer

INT. BARN — DAY

[ Bales of hay adorn the foreground. Actor SAM ELLIOTT, dressed in denim & a black tee, ENTERS. ]

Sam Elliott: Hi! I’m actor Sam Elliott! You’ve seen me on television and in the movies, but most likely, you recognize my voice from numerous commercial advertisements. Ad surveys have shown that when consumers hear my voice — in association with a service or product — they’ll buy most anything. Heck, I could probably get you dive headfirst into a mail sack full of needles! Or suck iron filings off the floor of a machine shop, and wash them down with a quart of used motor oil. Or chew the lining off the bottom of a parrot cage.

Sometimes when I believe strongly in a product, I’ll actually go on-camera to tell you about it. That’s why I’m here — now — to talk about Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder.

[ Sam holds up a bottle of Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder. ]

Sam Elliott: As a rancher, I know how hot and humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds, and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases. Well, since 1879, Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor, and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the Western lifestyle. It’s simple to apply.

[ Sam turns to his side and opens the bottle. He then bends over slightly and dumps a ton of powder down his backside. ]

Sam Elliott: Mm mm! Oh-hh-hh!!! That feels good!

[ Sam settles the bottle down. ]

Sam Elliott: And cool!!! That’s ‘cause it’s medicated — takes care of the chaffing and dries up things right away. It forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.

[ Sam pulls out a foot-long, braided white coil, which derived from the powder. He sniffs it, tosses it, then holds up the bottle. ]

Sam Elliott: Try Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder now, and get a free box of Dr. Deacon’s Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads.

[ Sam holds up a box of Dr. Deacon’s Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. He removes out a teabag-sized absorber pad. ]

Sam Elliott: They’re in a handy travel pack and reusable!

[ Sam puts the absorber pad in his left breast pocket. ]

Sam Elliott: Ah! Now I’m itch-free! Time to go back to work…

[ Sam winks at the camera and grabs a pitchfork. ] [ TITLE CARD ]

Announcer: Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder & Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads: Available now everywhere.

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

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