SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: The Falconer


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

The Falconer

The Falconer…..Will Forte
Black Bear…..Dan Aykroyd
Parker…..John Goodman
Former Claw…..Horatio Sanz
Girlfriend…..Maya Rudolph

Announcer V/O: In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”

[ open on The Falconer waist-deep in quickstand, with Donald perched on his still above-sand arm ]

Oh, Donald! At present time, I find myself waist-deep in quicksand! At my current rate of descent, I’ll be completely submerged by this time tomorrow! That’s the irony of quicksand – it’s anything but quick. Now, please! Find someone – anyone! – who can pull me from what will soon be my wet, sandy coffin! A man with a tractor! Or a team of oxes! [ Donald squawks ] Fine! Oxen! You know what I meant! Now, go!! [ Donald flies off ] The Grim Reaper knocks upon the door!!! DO NOT LET ME DIIIIIIEE!!

[ Donald flies off for another adventure, where he encounters three bikers ]

Parker: Hey, Black Bear! Look at this crazy hawk over here!

Black Bear: [ laughing ] That’s not some hawk, Parker! That’s a white-tailed peregrine falcon! Indigenous to the water regions of North America! Ha ha! [ to Donald ] Hey, pal! You wanna ride with us, or what?

Parker: I don’t think he’s got what it takes to ride with the Blacktop Vampires!

[ Donald squawks ]

Black Bear: Ha ha ha! I like this bird! He’s got pterodactyl nuts! Let’s make him a prospect! I’m gonna call you “The Claw”!

Former Claw: Hey, man.. I’m The Claw!

Black Bear: Not any more! Hey, Falcon! Claw! Come back to the Vampire’s Nest with us! Okay?

[ dissolve back to The Falconer, now sinking deeper into the quicksand ] [ dissolve back to the Falconer sinking deeper into to quicksand ]

The Falconer: Ohhhh, Donald.. my time is running out! Ohhh, how I rue the day I took down the “Beware of Quicksand” sign! In any event, I’m positive, right now, you are doing everything in your power to save me!

[ cut to Donald at the Vampire’s Nest, surrounded by a pair of hot gals ] [ at back table, Black Bear and his boys watch Donald with pleasure ]

Black Bear: This Donald guy – the new prospect? He’s a good prospect! I really like him, Parker! Looks like you were wrong about The Claw!

Parker: Yeah.. but it looks like The Claw is making out with your old lady right now!

[ show Black Bear’s girlfriend tonguing with the Falcon ]

Black Bear: [ steps forward, laughing ] Hey, hey, Claw! That’s my old lady! Ha! I-I-I-I got a thing with her. When I’m done with her, you can have her, okay? But, uh.. until then.. claws off! Comprende? [ laughs ] [ Donald raises his middle finger to Black Bear ]

Parker: [ horrified at Donald’s temerity ] Claw just flipped my man the bird!

Black Bear: [ angered beyond his capacity ] It’s onnnnn!! Hold him up!! Hold him up!!

[ the other bikers rally together to hold Donald still, as Black Bear punches him repeatedly ] [ Donald squawk, breaking free from the bikers’ grips; Donald’s series of attacks include smashing beer bottles over the heads of bikers, cracking their skulls with a pool cue, slicing Parker with a switchblade as his blood splatters the walls from below screen, and finally swopping down on Black Bear and ripping out his still-beating heart with his claw ]

Black Bear: [ with his last breath ] The.. proph-e-cy.. has come.. true.. [ keels over ] [ cut to Girlfriend driving the motorcylce, with Donald perched on the handlebars ]

Girlfriend: You’re my man now, Claw.

[ dissolve back again to the Falconer with only his head remaining above the quicksand ]

The Falcon: What I wouldn’t give to be two inches taller! [ rev of motorcycle motor is heard, as Donald returns carrying a snorkel ] Oh, Donald! You’ve returned! And you’ve brought with you a snorkel! Oh, the perfect means to survive.. while you find another way to save me! And until you do, you will be The Falcon! [ puts on the snorkel ] And I will remain..

Announcer: The Falconer!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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