SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: TV Funhouse

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

TV Funhouse

“Ben loves Jen, he wants us all to knoew
So he bought lots of items that glitter and glow.
Doesn’t hurt to impress a girl
Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”

[ show title card ] [ dissolve to Ben and Jennifer sitting on the couch, as Ben gives Jennifer a rare gem ]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, my God! It’s beautiful!

Ben Affleck: It’s not just any 84-karat emerald – Queen Elizxabeth swallowed it, and it passed through her body.

Jennifer Lopez: [ excited ] Oh, my God! She does that?

Ben Affleck: I had her do it for you. I love you-

Jennifer Lopez: [ opens her next present ] And what’s this?

Ben Affleck: It’s a meteorite from Mars. They were gonna study it, but I paid them to carve it to look like your mother.

Jennifer Lopez: Ohhhh, that’s so sweet!

Ben Affleck: One more. [ indicates a moving package ]

Jennifer Lopez: It’s all alive and split..

Ben Affleck: Save the wrapping – it’s Venison Carpaccio.

Jennifer Lopez: [ opens the gift, a grotesque-looking dog with the head of Robert Duvall ] Oh, my Gooood! I love you so- Oh! Snap!

Ben Affleck: It’s the msot expensive dog in the world!

Jennifer Lopez: What’s with his head?

Ben Affleck: It’s a Demmoguette. It’s an incredibly rare breed – their heads look like Robert Duvall.

Jennifer Lopez: That’s it?

Ben Affleck: [ petrified with fear ] Jen? Honey? You don’t like it?

Jennifer Lopez: I do! It’s just kinda weird and Duvallian and split!

Ben Affleck: But.. it.. cost so much..

Jennifer Lopez: I know! I love you for that! But, baby.. how can we be married and buy things, if we can’t be honest about the things we buy?

Ben Affleck: [ feeling dejected ] Yeah..

Jennifer Lopez: I mean, it’s weird.. it’s not a dog, you know? Maybe if it said something – like “I like napalm” and split!

Ben Affleck: [ perking up ] Yea-ah..!

Jennifer Lopez: It’s okay, baby..

Ben Affleck: No! I love you. And I’m gonna make this right!

[ cut to Ben and Jennifer meeting privately with a professional dog trainer ]

Dog Trainer: Yes, well, there are no bad dogs.. only bad people

Ben Affleck: Yeah, right. Here’s what I want you to do..

Dog Trainer: First, we must undo all-

Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no! I just want you to get him to talk like Robert Duvall!

Dog Trainer: Well, he’s a Demoguette.. he’s got a resemblance to him-

Ben Affleck: No! Talk! He has to say “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!”

Dog Trainer: Well, I’m afraid that’s impossible.

Ben Affleck: Wait! You’re the world’s best trainer! I’m paying you, what – $1,000 a minute! You can’t do this?!

Jennifer Lopez: Ben, it’s no big deal..

Ben Affleck: YES, it IS!!

Dog Trainer: But only humans have vocal-

Ben Affleck: Look! The Napalm line, or Sonny from “The Godfather”, or- No! Screw it! The Napalm line! [ storms out angrily, slamming the door shut behind him ] [ the months and years pass by as the Dog Trainer attempts to teach Cokie to talk like Robert Duvall, studying the scene from “Apocalypse Now” with varied results. Fast-forward to 2012: an aging Ben and Jennifer walk into a plastic surgery clinic, and come out looking like 2003; they return to the Dog Trainer who finally has results on the project. ]

Dog Trainer: I think you’ll be pleased.

Ben Affleck: [ excited ] Wow!

Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Dog Trainer: You see? I shaped his box, symbol by symbol

Jennifer Lopez: That’s not Duvall, though.

Ben Affleck: Yeah! It sounds like James Woods!

Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Ben Affleck: That’s James WOODS!! What’s wrong with you?!

Dog Trainer: Well, the animal’s voice has a certain timber-

Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Get OUT of here!! I did three “Daredevil” sequels to pay for a JAMES WOODS?!!

Jennifer Lopez: A Duvall face talkin’ all like James Woods and split? That’s weird!

Ben Affleck: You don’t deserve this, Jen.. you are my treasure!

[ dissolve to Ben in a private meeting with Robert Duvall ]

Robert Duvall: You wanna buy me?

Ben Affleck: $40 million.

Robert Duvall: To own me? And I have to wear this dog costume?

Ben Affleck: Not the head, just the body. And you just have to say “I love Napalm” all the time, and live with J-Lo.

Robert Duvall: I have a life, man.

Ben Affleck: Look.. I have so much respect for your work. But you can’t make this kind of money acting. This is $40 million. And you just have to be J-Lo’s dog.

Robert Duvall: [ thinking it over ] Can I sniff her ass?

[ without hesitation, Ben pounces Duvall and begins to beat crap out of him ]

Ben Affleck: You son of a BITCH!! That is SICK!! You are a SICK OLD (bleep)-

Jennifer Lopez: Ben! It’s okay!

Ben Affleck: NO!! Not for my JEN!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”

[ fade ]

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