SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

TV Funhouse

“Ben loves Jen, he wants us all to knoew
So he bought lots of items that glitter and glow.
Doesn’t hurt to impress a girl
Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”

[ show title card ] [ dissolve to Ben and Jennifer sitting on the couch, as Ben gives Jennifer a rare gem ]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, my God! It’s beautiful!

Ben Affleck: It’s not just any 84-karat emerald – Queen Elizxabeth swallowed it, and it passed through her body.

Jennifer Lopez: [ excited ] Oh, my God! She does that?

Ben Affleck: I had her do it for you. I love you-

Jennifer Lopez: [ opens her next present ] And what’s this?

Ben Affleck: It’s a meteorite from Mars. They were gonna study it, but I paid them to carve it to look like your mother.

Jennifer Lopez: Ohhhh, that’s so sweet!

Ben Affleck: One more. [ indicates a moving package ]

Jennifer Lopez: It’s all alive and split..

Ben Affleck: Save the wrapping – it’s Venison Carpaccio.

Jennifer Lopez: [ opens the gift, a grotesque-looking dog with the head of Robert Duvall ] Oh, my Gooood! I love you so- Oh! Snap!

Ben Affleck: It’s the msot expensive dog in the world!

Jennifer Lopez: What’s with his head?

Ben Affleck: It’s a Demmoguette. It’s an incredibly rare breed – their heads look like Robert Duvall.

Jennifer Lopez: That’s it?

Ben Affleck: [ petrified with fear ] Jen? Honey? You don’t like it?

Jennifer Lopez: I do! It’s just kinda weird and Duvallian and split!

Ben Affleck: But.. it.. cost so much..

Jennifer Lopez: I know! I love you for that! But, baby.. how can we be married and buy things, if we can’t be honest about the things we buy?

Ben Affleck: [ feeling dejected ] Yeah..

Jennifer Lopez: I mean, it’s weird.. it’s not a dog, you know? Maybe if it said something – like “I like napalm” and split!

Ben Affleck: [ perking up ] Yea-ah..!

Jennifer Lopez: It’s okay, baby..

Ben Affleck: No! I love you. And I’m gonna make this right!

[ cut to Ben and Jennifer meeting privately with a professional dog trainer ]

Dog Trainer: Yes, well, there are no bad dogs.. only bad people

Ben Affleck: Yeah, right. Here’s what I want you to do..

Dog Trainer: First, we must undo all-

Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no! I just want you to get him to talk like Robert Duvall!

Dog Trainer: Well, he’s a Demoguette.. he’s got a resemblance to him-

Ben Affleck: No! Talk! He has to say “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!”

Dog Trainer: Well, I’m afraid that’s impossible.

Ben Affleck: Wait! You’re the world’s best trainer! I’m paying you, what – $1,000 a minute! You can’t do this?!

Jennifer Lopez: Ben, it’s no big deal..

Ben Affleck: YES, it IS!!

Dog Trainer: But only humans have vocal-

Ben Affleck: Look! The Napalm line, or Sonny from “The Godfather”, or- No! Screw it! The Napalm line! [ storms out angrily, slamming the door shut behind him ] [ the months and years pass by as the Dog Trainer attempts to teach Cokie to talk like Robert Duvall, studying the scene from “Apocalypse Now” with varied results. Fast-forward to 2012: an aging Ben and Jennifer walk into a plastic surgery clinic, and come out looking like 2003; they return to the Dog Trainer who finally has results on the project. ]

Dog Trainer: I think you’ll be pleased.

Ben Affleck: [ excited ] Wow!

Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Dog Trainer: You see? I shaped his box, symbol by symbol

Jennifer Lopez: That’s not Duvall, though.

Ben Affleck: Yeah! It sounds like James Woods!

Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!

Ben Affleck: That’s James WOODS!! What’s wrong with you?!

Dog Trainer: Well, the animal’s voice has a certain timber-

Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Get OUT of here!! I did three “Daredevil” sequels to pay for a JAMES WOODS?!!

Jennifer Lopez: A Duvall face talkin’ all like James Woods and split? That’s weird!

Ben Affleck: You don’t deserve this, Jen.. you are my treasure!

[ dissolve to Ben in a private meeting with Robert Duvall ]

Robert Duvall: You wanna buy me?

Ben Affleck: $40 million.

Robert Duvall: To own me? And I have to wear this dog costume?

Ben Affleck: Not the head, just the body. And you just have to say “I love Napalm” all the time, and live with J-Lo.

Robert Duvall: I have a life, man.

Ben Affleck: Look.. I have so much respect for your work. But you can’t make this kind of money acting. This is $40 million. And you just have to be J-Lo’s dog.

Robert Duvall: [ thinking it over ] Can I sniff her ass?

[ without hesitation, Ben pounces Duvall and begins to beat crap out of him ]

Ben Affleck: You son of a BITCH!! That is SICK!! You are a SICK OLD (bleep)-

Jennifer Lopez: Ben! It’s okay!

Ben Affleck: NO!! Not for my JEN!!

[ cut to title card ]

Jingle: “Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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