Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 20
TV Funhouse
Jingle:
“Ben loves Jen, he wants us all to knoew
So he bought lots of items that glitter and glow.
Doesn’t hurt to impress a girl
Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”
[ show title card ]
[ dissolve to Ben and Jennifer sitting on the couch, as Ben gives Jennifer a rare gem ]
Jennifer Lopez: Oh, my God! It’s beautiful!
Ben Affleck: It’s not just any 84-karat emerald – Queen Elizxabeth swallowed it, and it passed through her body.
Jennifer Lopez: [ excited ] Oh, my God! She does that?
Ben Affleck: I had her do it for you. I love you-
Jennifer Lopez: [ opens her next present ] And what’s this?
Ben Affleck: It’s a meteorite from Mars. They were gonna study it, but I paid them to carve it to look like your mother.
Jennifer Lopez: Ohhhh, that’s so sweet!
Ben Affleck: One more. [ indicates a moving package ]
Jennifer Lopez: It’s all alive and split..
Ben Affleck: Save the wrapping – it’s Venison Carpaccio.
Jennifer Lopez: [ opens the gift, a grotesque-looking dog with the head of Robert Duvall ] Oh, my Gooood! I love you so- Oh! Snap!
Ben Affleck: It’s the msot expensive dog in the world!
Jennifer Lopez: What’s with his head?
Ben Affleck: It’s a Demmoguette. It’s an incredibly rare breed – their heads look like Robert Duvall.
Jennifer Lopez: That’s it?
Ben Affleck: [ petrified with fear ] Jen? Honey? You don’t like it?
Jennifer Lopez: I do! It’s just kinda weird and Duvallian and split!
Ben Affleck: But.. it.. cost so much..
Jennifer Lopez: I know! I love you for that! But, baby.. how can we be married and buy things, if we can’t be honest about the things we buy?
Ben Affleck: [ feeling dejected ] Yeah..
Jennifer Lopez: I mean, it’s weird.. it’s not a dog, you know? Maybe if it said something – like “I like napalm” and split!
Ben Affleck: [ perking up ] Yea-ah..!
Jennifer Lopez: It’s okay, baby..
Ben Affleck: No! I love you. And I’m gonna make this right!
[ cut to Ben and Jennifer meeting privately with a professional dog trainer ]
Dog Trainer: Yes, well, there are no bad dogs.. only bad people–
Ben Affleck: Yeah, right. Here’s what I want you to do..
Dog Trainer: First, we must undo all-
Ben Affleck: No, no, no, no! I just want you to get him to talk like Robert Duvall!
Dog Trainer: Well, he’s a Demoguette.. he’s got a resemblance to him-
Ben Affleck: No! Talk! He has to say “I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!”
Dog Trainer: Well, I’m afraid that’s impossible.
Ben Affleck: Wait! You’re the world’s best trainer! I’m paying you, what – $1,000 a minute! You can’t do this?!
Jennifer Lopez: Ben, it’s no big deal..
Ben Affleck: YES, it IS!!
Dog Trainer: But only humans have vocal-
Ben Affleck: Look! The Napalm line, or Sonny from “The Godfather”, or- No! Screw it! The Napalm line! [ storms out angrily, slamming the door shut behind him ]
[ the months and years pass by as the Dog Trainer attempts to teach Cokie to talk like Robert Duvall, studying the scene from “Apocalypse Now” with varied results. Fast-forward to 2012: an aging Ben and Jennifer walk into a plastic surgery clinic, and come out looking like 2003; they return to the Dog Trainer who finally has results on the project. ]
Dog Trainer: I think you’ll be pleased.
Ben Affleck: [ excited ] Wow!
Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!
Dog Trainer: You see? I shaped his box, symbol by symbol–
Jennifer Lopez: That’s not Duvall, though.
Ben Affleck: Yeah! It sounds like James Woods!
Cokie: I love the smell of Napalm in the morning!
Ben Affleck: That’s James WOODS!! What’s wrong with you?!
Dog Trainer: Well, the animal’s voice has a certain timber-
Ben Affleck: [ outraged ] Get OUT of here!! I did three “Daredevil” sequels to pay for a JAMES WOODS?!!
Jennifer Lopez: A Duvall face talkin’ all like James Woods and split? That’s weird!
Ben Affleck: You don’t deserve this, Jen.. you are my treasure!
[ dissolve to Ben in a private meeting with Robert Duvall ]
Robert Duvall: You wanna buy me?
Ben Affleck: $40 million.
Robert Duvall: To own me? And I have to wear this dog costume?
Ben Affleck: Not the head, just the body. And you just have to say “I love Napalm” all the time, and live with J-Lo.
Robert Duvall: I have a life, man.
Ben Affleck: Look.. I have so much respect for your work. But you can’t make this kind of money acting. This is $40 million. And you just have to be J-Lo’s dog.
Robert Duvall: [ thinking it over ] Can I sniff her ass?
[ without hesitation, Ben pounces Duvall and begins to beat crap out of him ]
Ben Affleck: You son of a BITCH!! That is SICK!! You are a SICK OLD (bleep)-
Jennifer Lopez: Ben! It’s okay!
Ben Affleck: NO!! Not for my JEN!!
[ cut to title card ]
Jingle: “Cokie, the Most Expensive Dog in the World!”
[ fade ]
