SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Hardball


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce


Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Andrew Card…..Dan Aykroyd
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan
Sen. Rick Santorum…..Chris Parnell

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! President Bush declares that those responsible for this week’s attack in Saudia Arabia will be hunted down and given a dose of American justice! Is it me, or is this administration starting to sound like an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger”?! I haven’t seen a guy this cocky since Ruben from “American Idol” at a waffle-eating contest! As the election season heats up, the question becomes: Is Bush unstoppable? Or do the Democrats have a David for this Goliath? Joining us tonight, White house Chief-of-Staff Andrew Card!

Andrew Card: Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Whatever you said, shut it! Also joining us, the man who has more track suits than the Wardrobe Department at “The Sopranos”! Democratic Presidential hopeful and political train wreck, Al Sharpton!

Rev. Al Sharpton: I-I-I’ve got some good stuff for you today, Chris!

Chris Matthews: Great. But just on principle, I’m still gonna tell you to zip it! Mr. Card, we’re gonna start with you! You see the Republican witnesses heading into the 2004 campaign?

Andrew Card: Absolutely not! Just look at President Bush’s recent accomplishments. He piloted that fighter jet by himself and landed on the aircraft carrier – people love that! He single-handledly caught Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.. and made them wrestle each other in a cage match! Two years ago, he came up with the idea for”Joe Millionaire”. He’s amazing!

Chris Matthews: Uh-huh. And does it bother you that none of that’s true?!

Andrew Card: Look, Chris.. if it doesn’t bother Karl Rove, it doesn’t bother me.

Chris Matthews: Fair enough. Al Sharpton! What’s your strategy for combatting such a popular incumbent?!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ mumbling incoherently ] Uh.. running-running.. what.. what..?

Chris Matthews: How’re you gonna win the Presidential election!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh, it’s gonna be easy! Look who I’m runnin’ against: Edwards, Kerry, Gephardt.. nobody knows those dudes!

Chris Matthews: What about Bush? How you gonna beat him?

Rev. Al Sharpton: [ confused ] What? Bush can run again?! Aw, come on, dammit! Come on, man! You gotta let me know about these things, dammit!

Chris Matthews: Sharpton campaign – right about where we all thought it would be! Andrew Card, what will the Democrats have to do to have a chance?

Andrew Card: Well, the Democrats’ biggest problem is that no one recognizes their candidates. They need someone who’s universally adored. The only shot they have is to.. lower the voting age to 6.. and nominate Spongebob Squarepants.

Chris Matthews: Andrew, come on.. is it that hopeless, or what?

Andrew Card: Chris, not even Jesus Christ would run against George Bush. Because, as the Bible clearly states.. Jesus was a Republican.

Chris Matthews: Nice! That’s a good crazy boy! Our next guest is doing his best to help the Democrats win. He made headlines last week, when he equated homosexual sex with incest and bestiality! Please welcome the man who put the idiot into “He’s an idiot!” Republican Senator Rick Santora! Senator, do you think yur controversial remarks are gonna hurt President Bush in 2004?

Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I was taken out of context. Uh.. when I said gay sex was as bad as man-on-dog sex, I meant man-on-male dog. Sex between a human make and a female dog, I have no problem with.

Chris Matthews: Good Lord, this is better than I thought! Keep going!

Sen. Rick Santorum: I have no problem with gay people. I-I like Liberace.. I like George Michael.. I even like the gay Teletubby. I don’t like it when Liberace, George Michael and the gay Teletubby have sex with each other.

Chris Matthews: Don’t stop, Sentora! One more time!

Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I’m not asking much. All I’m asking for is every American male to get a tattoo on his fanny that reads “Exit Only”.

Chris Matthews: [ chuckles ] Three in a row! We call that a turkey where I’m from, people! Final thoughts, Andrew Card!

Andrew Card: Chris.. this president is unstoppable. He’s 22-feet tall.. he can stop bullets in mid-air like Neo! When he was eight years old, he ran to the moon! I’ve personally seen this man lasso a tornado! And he’ll be our President for the next 200 years! Because he cannot die!

Chris Matthews: [ talking into a prop telephone ] Hello? Yeah, he’s here. Yeah, okay.. That was the loony bin.. they need you back by eight! Al Sharpton, final thoughts! Your upcoming campaign!

Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh.. there is no campaign, Chris.. I’m gonna go back to what I do best! Showing up where the rich white people hang out, and screaming at the cameras “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

Chris Matthews: Believe me.. it’s broke! Sen. Foot-in-Mouth!

Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris.. my opinions may be unpopular, but they’re not uninformed. I’ve been involved in literally thousands of acts of gay sex, and not once have I felt like it’s okay.

Chris Matthews: I guess I should have seen that one coming! When we come back, Sen. Santorum’s gonna sing a number from “Hairspray”! But, until then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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