Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 28: Episode 20
Astronaut Jones
Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Scientist…..Dan Aykroyd
Venusian…..Maya Rudolph
Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! Astronaut Jones to Planet Earth! We are on the planet Venus! It’s very hot up here, so I doubt we wil encounter any life. Over!
Scientist: Not so fast, Jones.. I’m getting some intense readings on the organatron.
Astronaut Jones: Hold it, Earth! My chief science officer may have found something!
Scientist: Look at this, Jones.. This thing’s whirling! We’re definitely not alone.
Astronaut Jones: Maybe there’s dan-gerrrr!
Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.
Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.
Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”
Hey!”
Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! With special guests star: Dan Aykroyd! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 19: The Battle For Venus”.
[ dissolve back to scene ]Astronaut Jones: Okay, Earth.. I understand. We’ll get the stones and get out. I love you, too, Earth. Bye!
Scientist: What did Earth say?
Astronaut Jones: They said if we see any space monsters, we should beat it!
Scientist: I’m afraid it’s too late. Look at that. [ points at an approaching Venusian woman ]
Astronaut Jones: Mmm! Lord have mercy!
Venusian: Creatures, who are you?
Astronaut Jones: Sweet!
Scientist: Don’t, don’t don’t talk to her..
Astronaut Jones: Oh, man!
Scientist: It’s some kind of a pure energy field..
Astronaut Jones: It’s pure!
Scientist: Projecting an electro-magnetic force..
Astronaut Jones: Right.
Scientist: Pulsating an extremely dangerous voltage!
Astronaut Jones: Oh, oh!
Scientist: I recommend we get back to the rocket ship..
Astronaut Jones: Right on!
Scientist: And not have any intercourse with this creature!
Astronaut Jones: Hold on, Spock!
Venusian: Earth creatures..
Astronaut Jones: What?
Venusian: My name is Vanella..
Astronaut Jones: I’m ready to jump all over you..
Venusian: You are not welcome here..
Astronaut Jones: I know this.
Venusian: You have only three of your Earth minutes to evacuate this planet or face extermination.
Astronaut Jones: Heat it up.. turn it loose!
Venusian: We are a hostile race..
Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm, yeah..
Venusian: ..unwilling to engage in communication with other life forms..
Astronaut Jones: Yeah, you the future!
Venusian: If you value your life, you will abandon your mission here, and return to Earth.
Astronaut Jones: Mmm..
Venusian: I have warned you..
Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.
Venusian: Now, what do the Earthlings say to this?
Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you bend over and let me snap that booty-licious!
Scientist: [ worried ] Jones! If you touch that thing, we’ll blow up!
Astronaut Jones: If I don’t touch that thing, I’m gonna blow up!
[ Maya Rudolph finally breaks character ]Maya Rudolph: You know what, Tracy? Don’t.
Tracy Morgan: Aw, cut the crap, Maya! You know Ive been wantin to get you pregnant!
Jingle:
“Rocket
I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”
Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.
Voice: You like?
Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!
[ fade ]