SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Astronaut Jones

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Scientist…..Dan Aykroyd
Venusian…..Maya Rudolph

[ open in outer space ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! Astronaut Jones to Planet Earth! We are on the planet Venus! It’s very hot up here, so I doubt we wil encounter any life. Over!

Scientist: Not so fast, Jones.. I’m getting some intense readings on the organatron.

Astronaut Jones: Hold it, Earth! My chief science officer may have found something!

Scientist: Look at this, Jones.. This thing’s whirling! We’re definitely not alone.

Astronaut Jones: Maybe there’s dan-gerrrr!

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”


Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! With special guests star: Dan Aykroyd! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 19: The Battle For Venus”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: Okay, Earth.. I understand. We’ll get the stones and get out. I love you, too, Earth. Bye!

Scientist: What did Earth say?

Astronaut Jones: They said if we see any space monsters, we should beat it!

Scientist: I’m afraid it’s too late. Look at that. [ points at an approaching Venusian woman ]

Astronaut Jones: Mmm! Lord have mercy!

Venusian: Creatures, who are you?

Astronaut Jones: Sweet!

Scientist: Don’t, don’t don’t talk to her..

Astronaut Jones: Oh, man!

Scientist: It’s some kind of a pure energy field..

Astronaut Jones: It’s pure!

Scientist: Projecting an electro-magnetic force..

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Scientist: Pulsating an extremely dangerous voltage!

Astronaut Jones: Oh, oh!

Scientist: I recommend we get back to the rocket ship..

Astronaut Jones: Right on!

Scientist: And not have any intercourse with this creature!

Astronaut Jones: Hold on, Spock!

Venusian: Earth creatures..

Astronaut Jones: What?

Venusian: My name is Vanella..

Astronaut Jones: I’m ready to jump all over you..

Venusian: You are not welcome here..

Astronaut Jones: I know this.

Venusian: You have only three of your Earth minutes to evacuate this planet or face extermination.

Astronaut Jones: Heat it up.. turn it loose!

Venusian: We are a hostile race..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm, yeah..

Venusian: ..unwilling to engage in communication with other life forms..

Astronaut Jones: Yeah, you the future!

Venusian: If you value your life, you will abandon your mission here, and return to Earth.

Astronaut Jones: Mmm..

Venusian: I have warned you..

Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.

Venusian: Now, what do the Earthlings say to this?

Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you bend over and let me snap that booty-licious!

Scientist: [ worried ] Jones! If you touch that thing, we’ll blow up!

Astronaut Jones: If I don’t touch that thing, I’m gonna blow up!

[ Maya Rudolph finally breaks character ]

Maya Rudolph: You know what, Tracy? Don’t.

Tracy Morgan: Aw, cut the crap, Maya! You know I’ve been wantin’ to get you pregnant!

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

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