SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Astronaut Jones


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Astronaut Jones

Astronaut Jones…..Tracy Morgan
Scientist…..Dan Aykroyd
Venusian…..Maya Rudolph

[ open in outer space ]

Astronaut Jones: [ speaking into space phone ] Come in, Earth! Astronaut Jones to Planet Earth! We are on the planet Venus! It’s very hot up here, so I doubt we wil encounter any life. Over!

Scientist: Not so fast, Jones.. I’m getting some intense readings on the organatron.

Astronaut Jones: Hold it, Earth! My chief science officer may have found something!

Scientist: Look at this, Jones.. This thing’s whirling! We’re definitely not alone.

Astronaut Jones: Maybe there’s dan-gerrrr!

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Goodbye, human race
I’ll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it’s my way
on the ol’ space highway.
That’s why they all say
“There goes Astronaut Jones!”


Announcer: “Astronuat Jones”! With special guests star: Dan Aykroyd! Tonight’s episode: “Episode 19: The Battle For Venus”.

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Astronaut Jones: Okay, Earth.. I understand. We’ll get the stones and get out. I love you, too, Earth. Bye!

Scientist: What did Earth say?

Astronaut Jones: They said if we see any space monsters, we should beat it!

Scientist: I’m afraid it’s too late. Look at that. [ points at an approaching Venusian woman ]

Astronaut Jones: Mmm! Lord have mercy!

Venusian: Creatures, who are you?

Astronaut Jones: Sweet!

Scientist: Don’t, don’t don’t talk to her..

Astronaut Jones: Oh, man!

Scientist: It’s some kind of a pure energy field..

Astronaut Jones: It’s pure!

Scientist: Projecting an electro-magnetic force..

Astronaut Jones: Right.

Scientist: Pulsating an extremely dangerous voltage!

Astronaut Jones: Oh, oh!

Scientist: I recommend we get back to the rocket ship..

Astronaut Jones: Right on!

Scientist: And not have any intercourse with this creature!

Astronaut Jones: Hold on, Spock!

Venusian: Earth creatures..

Astronaut Jones: What?

Venusian: My name is Vanella..

Astronaut Jones: I’m ready to jump all over you..

Venusian: You are not welcome here..

Astronaut Jones: I know this.

Venusian: You have only three of your Earth minutes to evacuate this planet or face extermination.

Astronaut Jones: Heat it up.. turn it loose!

Venusian: We are a hostile race..

Astronaut Jones: Mmm-hmm, yeah..

Venusian: ..unwilling to engage in communication with other life forms..

Astronaut Jones: Yeah, you the future!

Venusian: If you value your life, you will abandon your mission here, and return to Earth.

Astronaut Jones: Mmm..

Venusian: I have warned you..

Astronaut Jones: Uh-huh.

Venusian: Now, what do the Earthlings say to this?

Astronaut Jones: Why don’t you bend over and let me snap that booty-licious!

Scientist: [ worried ] Jones! If you touch that thing, we’ll blow up!

Astronaut Jones: If I don’t touch that thing, I’m gonna blow up!

[ Maya Rudolph finally breaks character ]

Maya Rudolph: You know what, Tracy? Don’t.

Tracy Morgan: Aw, cut the crap, Maya! You know I’ve been wantin’ to get you pregnant!

I’m taking a rocket.
I’m packing my suitcase
Hey, look out, Moon!”

Announcer: “Astronaut Jones”, written by Tracy Morgan. Directed by Tracy Morgan. Hair and Make-up by Tracy Morgan. Produced by Tracy Morgan and Melvin Goldfarb. This has been a Morgan/Goldfarb Production.

Voice: You like?

Astronaut Jones V/O: You’re lookin’ up, money!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x