SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Top O’ The Morning To You


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 20

02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

Top O’ The Morning To You

Patrick Fitzwilliams…..Jimmy Fallon
William Fitzpatrick…..Seth Meyers
Patrick Fitzpatrick…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: You’re watching RTE – Ireland’s other television network. It’s 9:30 a.m., and next up – it’s “Top O’ The Morning'”, with your hosts Patrick Fitzwilliam and William Fitzpatrick.

[ dissolve to barroom set, Patrick and William perched on their bar stools ]

Patrick Fitzwilliams: It’s 9:30 a.m. – welcome to “Top O’ The Mornin'”! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzwatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: And we’ve heard the jokes – so save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Save it!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Go to your Toolbar, click on File, drag down the Menu, and save it!

William Fitzpatrick: Today’s show is brought to you by Colin Farrell’s Anti-Bacterial Cream.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You put it on when you can’t remember where you put it last night.

William Fitzpatrick: That’s Colin Farrell! The #1 name in anti-bacterial genital creams.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Say, William.. how did you get that black eye there?

William Fitzpatrick: Ah. It’s funny you should ask. Last night, you punched me in the eye.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: No, you didn’t.

William Fitzpatrick: Aye. I remember it well. We were doing shots of Tequila..

[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!

[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ] [ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]

William Fitzpatrick: That’s not how I remember it at all. As I recall, it was a different scene altogether..

[ screen dissolves to the night before, the two boys holding filled shot glasses ]

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers!

[ they each take a sip, then Patrick punches William in the eye ] [ dissolve back to Patrick and William on the live show ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: See? It wasn’t Tequila, it was Jaeger.

William Fitzpatrick: It was Jaeger!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It was!

William Fitzpatrick: I’m very sorry. You know what? I clearly owe you an apology.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: I forgive you.

William Fitzpatrick: How about a shot, then?

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Two Jaegers.

Together: [ toasting their shot glasses ] Cheers! [ they chug ]

William Fitzpatrick: Alright. Our first guest is someone very close to my heart. Please welcome me dad – Patrick Fitzpatrick!

[ Williams dad steps out, escprting his other young children out across the set ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: How are ya’, lads? You remember the children – Shawn, Molly, Patrick, Chevon, Shannon, Finnigan.. another Shawn, Brendan, Roland, Colleen, Mary, Mary Pat, Mary Kate, Kay, Pat, Kate and Allie, Hannah, Carrey, Clair and all the rest of them!

William Fitzpatrick: What are you thinking, Dad? Why did you have to being out all of the kids?

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Well, William, I was covering for your mother. She went up to Kilkenny for the St. George’s Sodabread Bake-Off. [ yelling off-camera ] Erin! Get off the cigarette machine! Don’t let me tell you twice!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, I thought I told you – I hate it when you bring your family over. It’s like you’re related to Darby O’Gill and the Little People.

William Fitzpatrick: Well, excuse me, Patrick.. but I’m under a little bit of pressure being the oldest of 23! Don’t get me wrong – I’d love to stroll through life with only 14 brothers and sisters like yourself.. but I haven’t been quite so blessed.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: It is true that Mr. Fitzpatrick has the most powerful and accurate seed.

Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ honored ] That’s right! You got it right – I hot what I aim for! [ looks off-screen ] Aiden! Lorken! Loxen! Liam! Get over there with Conan, Shawna, Shadea, Claren, Owen! [ grabs one of the kids carrying a beer as he runs past ] Ah-ah! Joseph.. what did we say? Not until you’re thirteen. [ to Patrick and William ] He knows his whiskey, though.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: William, if you don’t do something, I’m gonna lose it.

William Fitzpatrick: Don’t worry, Patrick. I happen to have a jar full of Irish children’s favorite sweets. Hey, kids! Who wants a hard-boiled egg! I’ve got boiled eggs for everyone! [ the kids gather round for some candy ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let me have one! [ grabs an egg ] Now, Mr. Fitzpatrick.. now, William tells me that you’re- [ attempts to crack egg open, but gets splashed by its contents ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ohhhh, I have!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ wiping broken egg off his shirt ] You forgot to boil the eggs, didn’t you?

William Fitzpatrick: [ embarrassed ] Yes, now.. it seems to appear that I have forgotten to.. boil the eggs. Yeah. I suppose you’ll be wanting to go over to the Punching Wall.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Yeah.

[ they walk over to the Punching Wall ]

Patrick Fitzwilliam: You know what? Maybe I don’t need to punch the wall, you know? The walk really cooled me down a bit.. [ the kids begin to throw the eggs at Patrick ] Stinkin’ brats! [ punches a huge hole in the wall, revealing one of William’s younger siblings back there ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Fiona, there you are. My apologies. This one likes to get into walls.. Ahhh, they’re adorable, aren’t they? But.. you know..

William Fitzpatrick: [ wiping at his dad’s face ] You’ve got some egg on your face..

Patrick Fitzpatrick: It won’t be the first time!

William Fitzpatrick: It looks good on you, you wear it well.

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Yeah, I do.. [ wraps his arm around William ] You never forget your first child..

William Fitzpatrick: Oh, boy..

Patrick Fitzpatrick: [ with a tear in his eye ] And you will always be.. my baby boy, William.

William Fitzpatrick: [ panicking ] Please, Dad! Not here!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now! Not now!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Not.. here, in this place.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not now, at this time.

William Fitzpatrick: Pull yourself together!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Not here, not now!

William Fitzpatrick: You’ve got to pull yourself together!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Let’s have a shot, then!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Right on!

William Fitzpatrick: [ quickly pours the shots ] There you are! Cheers, everyone!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Cheers!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Cheers!

[ they chug their shots quickly ]

Patrick Fitzpatrick: Ahhhh, that’ll make it right.. [ another noise from the kids is heard off-screen ] Cara! Ann! No throwing your sister! And this time, I mean it! Megan! Go sit with Julio!

Patrick Fitzwilliam: [ confused ] Julio?

William Fitzpatrick: We, uh.. we ran out of Irish names.

Patrick Fitzwilliam: Oh. [ Irish music pots up ] Well, that’s all the time we have! I’m Patrick Fitzwilliam!

William Fitzpatrick: And I’m William Fitzpatrick!

Patrick Fitzpatrick: And I am Patrick Fitzpatrick!


[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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