Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 1
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
October 4th, 2003
Jack Black
John Mayer
None
Kyle Gass
Will Ferrell
Californians For SchwarzeneggerSummary: Hoping to be elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) outlines his five-point plan.
Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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MontageNote: The new opening montage, which takes the viewer on a journey through New York City to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, was directed by Dave Meyers, who would later win an MVPA (Music Video Production Association) award for Best Direction of a Female Artist for Missy Elliott’s “Pass That Dutch” music video by the end of the season.
Jack Black’s MonologueSummary: Jack Black sings of the perils of fame while wandering the back halls of Studio 8-H.
Also Hosted: 01k.
Note: Garrett Morris is visible in the audience.
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Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.
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Queer Eye For The Straight GalSummary: The “Straight Eye For the Queer Guy” knock-off is disturbingly fraught with lesbians.
The Wade Robson ProjectSummary: Wode Robson (Seth Meyers) hosts a dance show for people who don’t know how to dance.
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Cooking ClassSummary: The Adult students learn the art of Italian cooking from a long-haired chef (Jack Black).
Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez, Ruth Weinstock.
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TV FunhouseSummary: Yankee Superheroes prevent aliens from conquering Earth.
John Mayer performs “Bigger Than My Body”Bio: John Mayer (1977-) was a regular in the Atlanta club circuit before he recorded his major label debut album.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Rush Limbaugh (Jeff Richards) comments on biased statements and pain pills Finesse Mitchell comments on the weird black girls he saw at the movies. In a clip from the Emmy Awards, Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) punches Wanda Sykes (Maya Rudolph).
Recurring Characters: Rush Limbaugh, Bill Cosby.
Note: Finesse Mitchell’s commentary is later revamped as the Starkeesha character, which he performed at his audition. Lorne Michaels hired him on the spot after viewing the impression.
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John Mayer performs “Clarity”
Cat’s in the CradleSummary: An acoustic guitarist (Jack Black) is interrupted by his estranged dad (Horatio Sanz) and new wife Shelley Long (Amy Poehler).
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Wine CriticSummary: At a wine tasting, a wine critic (Jack Black) spits putrid wines on his presenter (Seth Meyers).
TelemarketersSummary: Head telemarketer (Jack Black) mourns the end of his era in song.
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GoodnightsTranscript
