SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 10/04/03

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


October 4th, 2003

Jack Black

John Mayer


Kyle Gass

Will Ferrell
Californians For SchwarzeneggerSummary: Hoping to be elected governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Darrell Hammond) outlines his five-point plan.

Recurring Characters: Arnold Schwarzenegger.


MontageNote: The new opening montage, which takes the viewer on a journey through New York City to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, was directed by Dave Meyers, who would later win an MVPA (Music Video Production Association) award for Best Direction of a Female Artist for Missy Elliott’s “Pass That Dutch” music video by the end of the season.

Jack Black’s MonologueSummary: Jack Black sings of the perils of fame while wandering the back halls of Studio 8-H.

Also Hosted: 01k.

Note: Garrett Morris is visible in the audience.


Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.


Queer Eye For The Straight GalSummary: The “Straight Eye For the Queer Guy” knock-off is disturbingly fraught with lesbians.

The Wade Robson ProjectSummary: Wode Robson (Seth Meyers) hosts a dance show for people who don’t know how to dance.


Cooking ClassSummary: The Adult students learn the art of Italian cooking from a long-haired chef (Jack Black).

Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez, Ruth Weinstock.


TV FunhouseSummary: Yankee Superheroes prevent aliens from conquering Earth.

John Mayer performs “Bigger Than My Body”Bio: John Mayer (1977-) was a regular in the Atlanta club circuit before he recorded his major label debut album.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Rush Limbaugh (Jeff Richards) comments on biased statements and pain pills Finesse Mitchell comments on the weird black girls he saw at the movies. In a clip from the Emmy Awards, Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) punches Wanda Sykes (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Rush Limbaugh, Bill Cosby.

Note: Finesse Mitchell’s commentary is later revamped as the Starkeesha character, which he performed at his audition. Lorne Michaels hired him on the spot after viewing the impression.


John Mayer performs “Clarity”

Cat’s in the CradleSummary: An acoustic guitarist (Jack Black) is interrupted by his estranged dad (Horatio Sanz) and new wife Shelley Long (Amy Poehler).


Wine CriticSummary: At a wine tasting, a wine critic (Jack Black) spits putrid wines on his presenter (Seth Meyers).

TelemarketersSummary: Head telemarketer (Jack Black) mourns the end of his era in song.



SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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