Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 1
Gabe Fisher…..Fred Armisen
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez…..Horatio Sanz
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch
[ frizzy long-haired instructor addresses the class ]
Instructor: Hey.. welcome to the Learning Aneex. This is the Art of Italian Cooking. Uh.. I’m gonna be your instructor – Gerald O’Shea!
Pete: [ chuckles ] Well, that doesn’t sound very Italian!
Instructor: Well, it ain’t! Okay! Before we start.. let me take you on a little journey that is Gerald O’Shea, alright? You’ll find no more better qualified food teacher than me, and here is my resume..short list! Super Salad.. Panda Inn.. Wok ‘n Roll.. One Potato, Two Potato.. SpudCo.. Ye Olde Spaghetti Factor.. Great American Hero.. The Great American Cookie Co.. Philadelphia Cheesesteak Factory.. yogurt Machine.. Fudge Company.. and, up until today, Sbarro’s! Where, just like every other place, I was wrongfully terminated due to the fact that I will not put this lion’s mane into a hairnet! Nope! This mane CAN’T be tamed!! So don’t even THINK about it!! Alright?!! [ short pause ] Now, before we start cooking, let’s go around and introduce ourselves.
Gabe Fisher: Okay, uh.. hell-o-o-o-o! My name is Gabe Fish-errr.. and, uh.. I enjoy the finer things in life. Foo-oo-oo-ooddd! Wi-i-ine! And, uh.. beautiful women, and uh.. I’ve been told I can really, uh.. “cook” in the bedroom! [ smiling ] So, I’d like to learn how to cook in the kitchen!
Instructor: It’s true, Bro – ladies love good food. You know, sometimes when I got off my shift at Sbarro’s, I’d dig around all the mistake pizzas out of the dumpster, and troll about the city to woo a lovely lass. It worked like a charm, Broseph! Next!
Ruth Weinstock: Well, uh.. my name’s Ruth.. and, recently, a movie came into my life, called “Under the Tuscan Sun”. And, it inspired me to learn Italian cuisine. Now.. I need to know: will there be dairy in any of these dishes? If so, count me out – dairy gives me a watery stool.
Instructor: O-kayyy.. I will be aware of that, Brosephine. Okay, you – Vasquez.
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I wanna learn how to cook on my own. ‘Cause I’m sicka eatin’ peanut butter and jellies!
Instructor: Alright. And.. Pete.. is it?
Pete: Yeah, well uh.. my wife told me, if I didn’t like her cooking so much, I should go take the class, learn how to cook my damn self! [ chuckles ] So, here I am!
Instructor: Alright. Now, class, listen up. Now, the first rule of food prep is “Wash your hands”, which we’ve already done! [ leans over the counter, his long hair draping over the sauce pot ] Am I right? Alright, Gabe – I’m gonna need you to chop up these tomatoes for me, capiche? Vasquez, please – start peeling the garlic. And, Ruth – could you, uh, grate the cheese up a bit?
Ruth Weinstock: Uh.. I can’t even touch dairy! If I even touch it, I’ll get a watery stool!
Instructor: Alright.. du-ly noted – switch with him. [ points to Gabe ]
Ruth Weinstock: No can do! Tomatoes make my fingers swell up like sausages!
Gabe Fisher: [ laughing ] You know, uh, working with food is, uh, very e-rot-ic! And.. the a-ro-mas are very, uhhhh.. sen-su-al!
Ruth Weinstock: Yeah? Talk to me after I’ve eaten gluton.
Instructor: Alright, Vasquez.. Vasquez, how we doing?
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I might steal some of this garlic in my pockets to scare off vampires on my way homes!
Instructor: [ laughing ] Alright, you’re gonna be okay, friend!
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: I don’t think so – you should see my neighborhood! [ singing ] “The freaks come out at night! The freaks come out at night!”
Pete: [ rambling about his domestic bliss to anyone who can’t avoid listening ] So, then I told her, “Fine! I’ll take the cooking class – you take a laundry class, learn how to properly iron a shirt so I don’t embarrass myself in front of the junior executives!” [ laughs ]
Instructor: Yeahhh.. I know what you mean, man. [ begins rubbing the sauce-stirring spoon through his thick, mangy hair ] Chicks are bitch!
Gabe Fisher: [ to Ruth ] Uhh.. excuse me, but uh.. if I may be so bold, maybe if uhhh.. you’re not busy Tuesday, uhhh.. you could come over to my a-part-ment, and uh.. we could re-create this dish together.. uh.. iiiin a more intimate setting!
Ruth Weinstock: I’ll come over on three conditions. Rule #1: that you have no pets, as I am highly allergic to their dander and saliva; Rule #2: my clothes will remain on at all times; and Rule #3: one glass of wine, and I’ll forget all about Rule #2!
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: Oooooohh! The sauce smells delicious! And this cheese smells like feet!
Pete: [ still rambling about his domestic bliss ] So, then I said.. “Hey, Lorraine, I got an idea – why don’t you take a How Not To Let Yourself Go class! [ laughs hysterically ]
Instructor: Here, buddy.. this is a lot better than sex, my friend. Taste this![ everyone digs a spoon into the sauce pot for a taste sample ]
Pete: Hmm.. mm-hmm.. mm-hmm..
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: Holy moly! There’s a hair in my sauce! [ pulls out a hair ]
Pete: I-I got one, too.. [ holds up a hair ]
Gabe Fisher: Uh.. I don’t mean to com-plainn.. but I got one, too! [ chuckles ]
Ruth Weinstock: [ pulls a long strand of her hair from her mouth ] Yep. Hair.
Instructor: [ shocked by the accusations, in spite of his long hair ] Hey, man, don’t look at me, man-dudes! This is not mine.. it’s not mine!
Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez: But you the only one with hair this long! And you were making the sauce. It’s got to be you, Gerald O’Shea!
Instructor: OKAY!! You GOT me!! Congratulations, you FOUND the hair!! [ a beat ] Now, I’m gonna go take a nap.. and wake me up if you find my band-aid.[ fade ]