SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 10/04/03: Cat’s in the Cradle


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Cat’s in the Cradle

Musician…..Jack Black
Male Audience Member…..Kenan Thompson
Female Audience Member 1…..Maya Rudolph
Burt Jawinski…..Kenan Thompson
Shelley Long…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, The Wheel Bar & Grill ] [ dissolve to interior, Musician onstage playing guitar for the crowd ]

“Ill never make the same mistakes
No, never; no, never, never
No, never; no, never, never, whoa
No, never; no, never, never

Musician: Thank you. Thank you very much. That was.. “The Wind”, by Yusef Islam. [ crowd boos ] Oh, hey, WHOA! Everybody! That’s not cool. Look – not all Muslims are terrorists, alright? You might know Yusef Islam by his old name – Cat Stevens!

Male Audience Member: Whoo-hoo, yeah!! Cat Stevens!!

Female Audience Member 1: Mmm! I LOVE Cat Stevens!!

Musician: Okay, thanks a lot, guys. Now, seriously – ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night for me, because there’s a man in the audience that, uh.. well, uh, he’s near and dear to my heart, and he’s never seen me play – ladies and gentlemen, my father, Burt Jawinsky.

Burt Jawinsky: [ stand, smiles ] Never heard of ’em! [ chuckles ] [ the crowd applauds ]

Shelley Long: Oh, Burt, Bert! What about me! [ stands ] Aren’t you forgetting someone? Yoo-hoo!!

Musician: Oh. Hey, yeah – and his wife, my stepmom, Shelley Long.

Burt Jawinsky: She was on “Cheers”! She was on “Cheers”!

[ the crowd finally applauds lightly for her ]

Shelley Long: Hi! Hi, I was on “Cheers”! I was on “Cheers”! [ shakes the hands of a couple of members of the crowd ]

Musician: Alright, thanks. Thanks, Shelly.

Shelley Long: Yoo-hoo! I was on “Cheers”!

Musician: Thanks – wrap it up, Shelley.

[ Burt sits her down ]

Musician: Okay. Anyway – it means a lot to me that you’re here, Poppa, and, uh.. Dad? This song’s for you:[ singing ]”My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way –“

Burt Jawinsky: He was MADE in the usual way, too: on a FUTON!

[ two guys high-five Bert ]

Musician: [ still singing ]“There were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away –“

Burt Jawinsky: Well, I had to travel for work, you know? I was road manager for the Harlem Globetrotters.

[ awkward silence ]

Shelley Long: Burt, don’t take it so literally. It’s just a song.

Burt Jawinsky: Well, Diane, I —

Shelley Long: SHELLEY!! My name is Shelley!

Burt Jawinsky: Shelley. He’s making me sound like a deadbeat DAD, or something!

Musician: [ continues to sing ]“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon –“

Burt Jawinsky: Ohhh, boy! Here we go with the cat again! He had a cat named “Boots” —

Musician: [ furious ] Okay, you KILLED Boots!

Burt Jawinsky: We had him put to sleep.

Musician: Boots could have gotten better!

Burt Jawinsky: [ stands ] He had Lou Gehrig’s Disease!

Shelley Long: Burt, calm down, sweetie. [ to Musician ] Sing your song, sweetheart. I was on “Cheers.”

Musician: NO!! Enough is enough, Dad! You’ve done this ever since I was a little kid!

Burt Jawinsky: Done what?

Musician: You’ve EMBARRASSED me!!

Burt Jawinsky: Such as?

Musician: Okay. My 8th grade Halloween party. Yuo got drunk and threw up in a top hat!

Burt Jawinsky: I was dressed as Abraham DRINKIN’!

[ Burt, the crowd, and Shelley all laugh, as high-fives are passed around ]

Musician: Well, you know what? It wasn’t funny to me.. Dad! And what about my Senior play?

Burt Jawinsky: Awwww, come on —

Musician: NO!! You were LAUGHING so hard, they threw you out!!

Burt Jawinsky: It was funny.

Musician: We were doing “Diary of Anne Frank”!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ starts laughing, Shelley joins in ] Every time I THINK of it, I lose it!

Musician: Yeah? And what about my college graduation party?!

Burt Jawinsky: [ thinks back for a moment ] What.

Musician: You got DRUNK and threw up in a TOP HAT!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ offended ] How.. DARE you!! I was.. DRUNK!! [ stands up and pounds his table ]

Musician: WHY??!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ matter-of-factly ] Because I had problems. [ camera zooms in, as Shelley clutches Burt’s arm ] It wasn’t easy being a single father. Your mother left me.. I got caught taking money out of Meadowlark Lemon’s wallet.. tragically, I developed an allergy to cookies. All in the same year, so.. pardon mai.. if I went a little whacky. [ looks at Shelley ] Thank God I got paired up with this sweet lady on “$25,000 Pyramid”!

Shelley Long: [ smiles ] “Things You Find in a Drawer!”

[ they kiss ]

Musician: Dad!!!

Burt Jawinsky: All I know is.. when I look at you, I know I did all right. ‘Cause you’re a great son. [ looks at the crowd ] And so a lot of other people think the SAME thing!!

[ Shelley leads the crowd into a round of applause ]

Musician: Thanks. Thank you, Dad. That means a lot to me. You know what else would mean a lot? Come up here and sing a song with me!

Burt Jawinsky: [ embarrassed ] Aww, I don’t know..

Shelley Long: Come on, Burt, why not? Sing with your boy! “Cheers”!

[ the crowd cheers Burt on, as he stands and approaches the stage ]

Burt Jawinsky: I don’t know what we’re gonna sing, uh — I don’t know any songs.

Musician: Well, I know you know this one, Dad!

[ opening piano notes of the “Cheers” theme song begins ]

Musician: [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today, takes everything you’ve got.”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] “Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot!”

Musician: [ singing ] “Wouldn’t you like to get away?”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] Sometimes you want to go-o-o-o-o-o-o..”

Musician: [ singing ] “Where everybody knows your na-a-me!”

[ Shelley pops into the scene ]

All: [ singing ] “And you’re always glad you ca-ame!!”

[ Shelley returns to her seat ]

Together: [ singing ] “You want to be where everybody knows your name!”

Shelley Long: [ pokes her head in once more ] I was on that show!

[ Father and Son hug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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