SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 10/04/03: Cat’s in the Cradle

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Cat’s in the Cradle

Musician…..Jack Black
Male Audience Member…..Kenan Thompson
Female Audience Member 1…..Maya Rudolph
Burt Jawinski…..Kenan Thompson
Shelley Long…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, The Wheel Bar & Grill ] [ dissolve to interior, Musician onstage playing guitar for the crowd ]

“Ill never make the same mistakes
No, never; no, never, never
No, never; no, never, never, whoa
No, never; no, never, never

Musician: Thank you. Thank you very much. That was.. “The Wind”, by Yusef Islam. [ crowd boos ] Oh, hey, WHOA! Everybody! That’s not cool. Look – not all Muslims are terrorists, alright? You might know Yusef Islam by his old name – Cat Stevens!

Male Audience Member: Whoo-hoo, yeah!! Cat Stevens!!

Female Audience Member 1: Mmm! I LOVE Cat Stevens!!

Musician: Okay, thanks a lot, guys. Now, seriously – ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night for me, because there’s a man in the audience that, uh.. well, uh, he’s near and dear to my heart, and he’s never seen me play – ladies and gentlemen, my father, Burt Jawinsky.

Burt Jawinsky: [ stand, smiles ] Never heard of ’em! [ chuckles ] [ the crowd applauds ]

Shelley Long: Oh, Burt, Bert! What about me! [ stands ] Aren’t you forgetting someone? Yoo-hoo!!

Musician: Oh. Hey, yeah – and his wife, my stepmom, Shelley Long.

Burt Jawinsky: She was on “Cheers”! She was on “Cheers”!

[ the crowd finally applauds lightly for her ]

Shelley Long: Hi! Hi, I was on “Cheers”! I was on “Cheers”! [ shakes the hands of a couple of members of the crowd ]

Musician: Alright, thanks. Thanks, Shelly.

Shelley Long: Yoo-hoo! I was on “Cheers”!

Musician: Thanks – wrap it up, Shelley.

[ Burt sits her down ]

Musician: Okay. Anyway – it means a lot to me that you’re here, Poppa, and, uh.. Dad? This song’s for you:[ singing ]”My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way –“

Burt Jawinsky: He was MADE in the usual way, too: on a FUTON!

[ two guys high-five Bert ]

Musician: [ still singing ]“There were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away –“

Burt Jawinsky: Well, I had to travel for work, you know? I was road manager for the Harlem Globetrotters.

[ awkward silence ]

Shelley Long: Burt, don’t take it so literally. It’s just a song.

Burt Jawinsky: Well, Diane, I —

Shelley Long: SHELLEY!! My name is Shelley!

Burt Jawinsky: Shelley. He’s making me sound like a deadbeat DAD, or something!

Musician: [ continues to sing ]“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon –“

Burt Jawinsky: Ohhh, boy! Here we go with the cat again! He had a cat named “Boots” —

Musician: [ furious ] Okay, you KILLED Boots!

Burt Jawinsky: We had him put to sleep.

Musician: Boots could have gotten better!

Burt Jawinsky: [ stands ] He had Lou Gehrig’s Disease!

Shelley Long: Burt, calm down, sweetie. [ to Musician ] Sing your song, sweetheart. I was on “Cheers.”

Musician: NO!! Enough is enough, Dad! You’ve done this ever since I was a little kid!

Burt Jawinsky: Done what?

Musician: You’ve EMBARRASSED me!!

Burt Jawinsky: Such as?

Musician: Okay. My 8th grade Halloween party. Yuo got drunk and threw up in a top hat!

Burt Jawinsky: I was dressed as Abraham DRINKIN’!

[ Burt, the crowd, and Shelley all laugh, as high-fives are passed around ]

Musician: Well, you know what? It wasn’t funny to me.. Dad! And what about my Senior play?

Burt Jawinsky: Awwww, come on —

Musician: NO!! You were LAUGHING so hard, they threw you out!!

Burt Jawinsky: It was funny.

Musician: We were doing “Diary of Anne Frank”!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ starts laughing, Shelley joins in ] Every time I THINK of it, I lose it!

Musician: Yeah? And what about my college graduation party?!

Burt Jawinsky: [ thinks back for a moment ] What.

Musician: You got DRUNK and threw up in a TOP HAT!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ offended ] How.. DARE you!! I was.. DRUNK!! [ stands up and pounds his table ]

Musician: WHY??!!!

Burt Jawinsky: [ matter-of-factly ] Because I had problems. [ camera zooms in, as Shelley clutches Burt’s arm ] It wasn’t easy being a single father. Your mother left me.. I got caught taking money out of Meadowlark Lemon’s wallet.. tragically, I developed an allergy to cookies. All in the same year, so.. pardon mai.. if I went a little whacky. [ looks at Shelley ] Thank God I got paired up with this sweet lady on “$25,000 Pyramid”!

Shelley Long: [ smiles ] “Things You Find in a Drawer!”

[ they kiss ]

Musician: Dad!!!

Burt Jawinsky: All I know is.. when I look at you, I know I did all right. ‘Cause you’re a great son. [ looks at the crowd ] And so a lot of other people think the SAME thing!!

[ Shelley leads the crowd into a round of applause ]

Musician: Thanks. Thank you, Dad. That means a lot to me. You know what else would mean a lot? Come up here and sing a song with me!

Burt Jawinsky: [ embarrassed ] Aww, I don’t know..

Shelley Long: Come on, Burt, why not? Sing with your boy! “Cheers”!

[ the crowd cheers Burt on, as he stands and approaches the stage ]

Burt Jawinsky: I don’t know what we’re gonna sing, uh — I don’t know any songs.

Musician: Well, I know you know this one, Dad!

[ opening piano notes of the “Cheers” theme song begins ]

Musician: [ singing ] “Making your way in the world today, takes everything you’ve got.”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] “Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot!”

Musician: [ singing ] “Wouldn’t you like to get away?”

Burt Jawinsky: [ singing ] Sometimes you want to go-o-o-o-o-o-o..”

Musician: [ singing ] “Where everybody knows your na-a-me!”

[ Shelley pops into the scene ]

All: [ singing ] “And you’re always glad you ca-ame!!”

[ Shelley returns to her seat ]

Together: [ singing ] “You want to be where everybody knows your name!”

Shelley Long: [ pokes her head in once more ] I was on that show!

[ Father and Son hug, as the scene fades ]

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