SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 10/04/03: Jack Black’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Jack Black’s Monologuebr>
Written by: Jack Black, James Anderson, Jeff Richmond, Paula Pell, Steve Higgins

…..Jack Black
…..Kyle Gass
…..the cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ the audience applauds wildly as Jack Black comes out, almost refusing to let their applause cease as he begins his monologue ]

Jack Black: Thank you very much, you guys, thank you. Thank you very much. Oh wow, I’m so excited.. I’m so excited. Do you know what, seriously? you guys, seriously. I need to tell you something. I need to tell you something serious NOW!! It’s party time. It’s party time. [ audience applauds wildly ] Why? Why is it party time? Because it’s the season premiere! And I’m hosting it! Why am I hosting it?! [ laughs ] It must be because I’m huge. I’m huge! Aparently, I went from being a superstar, to a megastar; and I didn’t even notice it. It’s freaking me OUT!! But I do know one thing – I’m not gonna let it go to my head. No way. Not this J.B.

[ begins his scat, singing ]

“You think that I am cocky ’cause they’re praising my name
But not this Jack!
You think I’d be a player in this Hollywood game
No, not this Jack!

I will admit, I know how to sing it!
But if there’s a song, this kickin’ star can being it!
Me, a big head?
Uh-huh!Not this Jack!”

[ stops singing to approach an audience member ] Okay, you, please – do not make eye contact wth me, don’t look at me. Stop looking at me!! [ turns to another audience members ] You, look at me continuously. Always eye cont- [ audience member turns his head ] don’t look away! Good. You see, I have not changed, people. I still eat Pacitos.. I still hire my own housekeepers.. How about a little scat while I get my Botox – let’s party!

[ does a quick scat as Botox is injected into the areas around his face ]

Don’t forget that one! I want Botox, now I’m ready to roll! [ addresses the audience again ] Seriously, you guys – no flash photography, eyebrows are paralyzed! What’s going on – oh, my gosh! Oh, look, there’s a future Jack Black fan! Let me kiss this baby! [ kisses the baby ] So adorable! [ notices Kyle Bass standing in the room ] Dude, what are you doing?

Kyle Gass: They wouldn’t let me in!

Jack Black: No problem, I’m gonna take care of you! [ signs his name on Kyle’s guitar, then exits down the hall ] You guys, I’m gonna introduce you to my kids – they’re the same ones I’ve had for months! [ enters dressing room, occupied by a group of kids and a statuesque blonde ] This is Alexandria.. Kusong.. I forgot your name.. Luis.. and Tawny. [ indicates the blonde ] Tawny, stand up, let the people see what that’s all about. Oh, yeahhh!! Whoa, that’s the nanny!! [ laughs ] [ Black exits back inot the hall, where he passes featured players Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson ]

Oh, my God! Are you guys the new dudes? What’s your names? [ Finesse and Kenan start to speak ] Like I care! [ continues down the hall with his scat, passing tina Fey drinking water from a squirt bottle ] SQUEE-EEZE!! [ squeezes Tina’s water bottle, squirting water in her face ] [ Will Ferrell steps up to Black in the hall ] [ shoves Ferrell in the face and pushes him away ] Not now! I don’t have time! Ha ha! [ scats, encountering the entire cast in the outer hall ] Whoa, whoa, whoa – no! No, that’s not cool. Why is the auience out of their seats?

Chris Parnell: Uh.. actually, we’re the cast.

Jack Black: Awk-ward.. for you guys! Hit it, boys!

[ scats ]

“Oh no, I’m not a doo-fus!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a phony.”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a jack-weeeeed!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a creepy little dude in his creepy Gucci shoes
looking for trannies in his el Camino!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: A little lower.

Cast: [ lower ] “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: Waaaay lower.

Cast: [ way lower ] “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: Okay, that’s great. You guys stay here. Horatio, come on, let’s put some mustard on this bratwurst!

[ Black scats with Horatio, but stops him for faring poorly ]

Stop it! That’s not scat! You’re ruining my song. Just.. Will? Do you know how to scat?

[ Will Ferrell steps out from the shadows, looking slightly confused ]

Will Ferrell: I, uh.. I don’t know.. I-I-I guess I could try.. [ scats perfectly ] [ pleased, Black scats along with Will, then sings ]

Jack Black: “I won’t deny I’m tasty fantastiiiic!”

Horatio Sanz: “Oh, he needs not made of.. Hollywood plastic!”

Together: “No way!
Not.. this.. Jaaaaaaaaaackkkk!!”

Jack Black: We’ve got a great show – John Mayer is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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