SNL Transcripts: Jack Black: 10/04/03: Jack Black’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 1

03a: Jack Black / John Mayer

Jack Black’s Monologuebr>
Written by: Jack Black, James Anderson, Jeff Richmond, Paula Pell, Steve Higgins

…..Jack Black
…..Kyle Gass
…..the cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ the audience applauds wildly as Jack Black comes out, almost refusing to let their applause cease as he begins his monologue ]

Jack Black: Thank you very much, you guys, thank you. Thank you very much. Oh wow, I’m so excited.. I’m so excited. Do you know what, seriously? you guys, seriously. I need to tell you something. I need to tell you something serious NOW!! It’s party time. It’s party time. [ audience applauds wildly ] Why? Why is it party time? Because it’s the season premiere! And I’m hosting it! Why am I hosting it?! [ laughs ] It must be because I’m huge. I’m huge! Aparently, I went from being a superstar, to a megastar; and I didn’t even notice it. It’s freaking me OUT!! But I do know one thing – I’m not gonna let it go to my head. No way. Not this J.B.

[ begins his scat, singing ]

“You think that I am cocky ’cause they’re praising my name
But not this Jack!
You think I’d be a player in this Hollywood game
No, not this Jack!

I will admit, I know how to sing it!
But if there’s a song, this kickin’ star can being it!
Me, a big head?
Uh-huh!Not this Jack!”

[ stops singing to approach an audience member ] Okay, you, please – do not make eye contact wth me, don’t look at me. Stop looking at me!! [ turns to another audience members ] You, look at me continuously. Always eye cont- [ audience member turns his head ] don’t look away! Good. You see, I have not changed, people. I still eat Pacitos.. I still hire my own housekeepers.. How about a little scat while I get my Botox – let’s party!

[ does a quick scat as Botox is injected into the areas around his face ]

Don’t forget that one! I want Botox, now I’m ready to roll! [ addresses the audience again ] Seriously, you guys – no flash photography, eyebrows are paralyzed! What’s going on – oh, my gosh! Oh, look, there’s a future Jack Black fan! Let me kiss this baby! [ kisses the baby ] So adorable! [ notices Kyle Bass standing in the room ] Dude, what are you doing?

Kyle Gass: They wouldn’t let me in!

Jack Black: No problem, I’m gonna take care of you! [ signs his name on Kyle’s guitar, then exits down the hall ] You guys, I’m gonna introduce you to my kids – they’re the same ones I’ve had for months! [ enters dressing room, occupied by a group of kids and a statuesque blonde ] This is Alexandria.. Kusong.. I forgot your name.. Luis.. and Tawny. [ indicates the blonde ] Tawny, stand up, let the people see what that’s all about. Oh, yeahhh!! Whoa, that’s the nanny!! [ laughs ] [ Black exits back inot the hall, where he passes featured players Finesse Mitchell and Kenan Thompson ]

Oh, my God! Are you guys the new dudes? What’s your names? [ Finesse and Kenan start to speak ] Like I care! [ continues down the hall with his scat, passing tina Fey drinking water from a squirt bottle ] SQUEE-EEZE!! [ squeezes Tina’s water bottle, squirting water in her face ] [ Will Ferrell steps up to Black in the hall ] [ shoves Ferrell in the face and pushes him away ] Not now! I don’t have time! Ha ha! [ scats, encountering the entire cast in the outer hall ] Whoa, whoa, whoa – no! No, that’s not cool. Why is the auience out of their seats?

Chris Parnell: Uh.. actually, we’re the cast.

Jack Black: Awk-ward.. for you guys! Hit it, boys!

[ scats ]

“Oh no, I’m not a doo-fus!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a phony.”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a jack-weeeeed!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: “I’m not a creepy little dude in his creepy Gucci shoes
looking for trannies in his el Camino!”

Cast: “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: A little lower.

Cast: [ lower ] “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: Waaaay lower.

Cast: [ way lower ] “Not this Jack!”

Jack Black: Okay, that’s great. You guys stay here. Horatio, come on, let’s put some mustard on this bratwurst!

[ Black scats with Horatio, but stops him for faring poorly ]

Stop it! That’s not scat! You’re ruining my song. Just.. Will? Do you know how to scat?

[ Will Ferrell steps out from the shadows, looking slightly confused ]

Will Ferrell: I, uh.. I don’t know.. I-I-I guess I could try.. [ scats perfectly ] [ pleased, Black scats along with Will, then sings ]

Jack Black: “I won’t deny I’m tasty fantastiiiic!”

Horatio Sanz: “Oh, he needs not made of.. Hollywood plastic!”

Together: “No way!
Not.. this.. Jaaaaaaaaaackkkk!!”

Jack Black: We’ve got a great show – John Mayer is here, so stick around, we’ll be right back.

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