Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 1
The Wade Robson Project
Amber Lynn…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: Three new dancers, only two will advance; tonight on The Project.[Cheering] [Wade enters and dances]
Wade Robson: Woo, waz crackin’ ya’ll? My name is Wade Robson, welcome to The Wade Robson Project. Yo, I dunno about you, but I’m feelin good. I’m feelin like, I dunno, maybe…[Does dance] [Crowd cheers]
Wade Robson: Woo, yeah, yeah. [Awkward pause] Yo, we got some dope dancers for ya’ll man. Ya’ll gotta get ready to go off because, I dunno maybe their gonna be like…[Does dance again] [No response from audience]
Wade Robson: Nothin? Alright. No? Cool. Got it, fair enough. Alright, but before we get started, lemme introduce you to my main man, he’s my dog, my dirty, I’m talkin’ about Boogie ya’ll. He’s the hizzle and he’s in my nizzle!
Boogie: Yo, what did I tell you about that man? You can’t say that word.
Wade Robson: Can’t say “nizzle” got it.
Boogie: ALright, let’s bring out our first dancer to the stage. She’s a former physical therapist, slash, private wrestler, all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada. Ya’ll, give it up for Amber Lynn![Cuts to backstage]
Amber Lynn: Hey, hey, hey, my name is Amber Lynn and I am a Virgo and I am da bomb like that bank robber pizza guy with the collar. See, right now, I am employed at the parking lot at the Bellagio Hotel, resort, casino, and what-not, where I provide the guests with moderately-priced groinial massages to completion…What, what? [Does robot]
Wade Robson: Yo, yo, yo, put your hands together for Amber Lynn!
Wade Robson: Hey, Amber Lynn welcome to the show. So what are you gonna do for us today?
Amber Lynn: Well, first off I’d like to give big ups to God AND to Jesus; and I’m goin to be dancin to “I Like to Crotch On You” By R. Kelly.[Music begins and Amber Lynn does very odd dance moves such as pretending to apply make-up]
Wade Robson: Yo girl that was hot. That was totally hot, but I thought you could’ve maybe took it to the next level. Maybe given it like a [Does dance again] [Crowd boos]
Wade Robson: Ok, I’ll stop. That’s fine, that’s cool. Alright, lets take it over to Boogie. Who’s next boy?
Boogie: Ok, ok, again, I know you didn’t mean that the way it sounded, but you can’t say that would either man, c’mon.
Wade Robson: Yeah, yeah, you can’t call black dudes “boy” got it, got it.
Boogie: Alright man, let’s bring out our next guest. Ok, she’s a former meat cutter, and currently she’s unemployed. Please welcome Katanya.
Katanya: Yo, yo, yo, my name is Katanya and I’m 23 yrs old, I’m from Las Vegas and I’m on permanent paid vacation from the meat factory after I fell into the pork shanker…TWICE! Holla-la-la-la-la!!!
Wade Robson: Let’s bring her out. Let’s say hello to Katanya…Girl, I like it; so how u feelin’ Katanya?
Katanya: I just wanna say “Suck on it Phifer Meats! You’re a bad packaging company and you can keep those three fingers!…’Cuz I’m rollin’ in it!” But seriously, if anyone who eats a hot dog, finds my class ring, give me a call because it means a lot to me.
Wade Robson: Enough, enough, alright, I was feelin’ that. Alright, let’s see, now we gonna go over to my main man to see who’s next. Their ain’t nobody BIGGA, his names Boogie and he’s my —-
Boogie: Hey hey! Don’t, just please man…
Wade Robson: Ok, you’re right. Ok, you saved us all, thank you…
Boogie: Man, here we go again, all the way from Las Vegas, Nevada. Ya’ll put it up and give your hands and put it together for Sparkle.[Cuts backstage]
Sparkle: Suuup? My name is Sparkle and I am 38 yrs YOUNG and yeah, I guess I bring it. Do I have a kick ass job? I dunno, is Police Lineup Decoy a kick ass job? What’s that? Yes? Well then I guess I rest my case!
Wade Robson: Here he is ya’ll. Let’s give it up for Sparkle!
Sparkle: Alright, step aside mortals. Prepare to have your minds blown squarely out yo ass![Justin Timberlake’s “Rock Your Body” plays and Sparkle bounces, rolls, and hops onstage]
Sparkle: That’s the “Tiger-Roll”. Russian! Russian! Russian! Russian! And then also, Donkey Kick! Double Donkey Kick![Music ends]
Wade Robson: Alright yo, we gotta bring everybody out now.[All enter stage]
Wade Robson: Yo, like, I gotta be honest; you guys are all awful dancers. Like just really bad. Amber Lynn, I’m pretty sure you’re just a straight up hooker…
Amber Lynn: Whooptie, whoop!
Wade Robson: …Aiight, aiight, Katanya, you’re disgusting…
Katanya: Your welcome.
Wade Robson: …Sparkle, I think you have some serious problems man.
Sparkle: Yeah, but what about my routine?!
Wade Robson: It was terrible, you’re eliminated.
Sparkle: Alright, but I will leave you with this…Um, a couple more donkey kicks!
Wade Robson: Ok, yo, yo, you gotta go man. Alright, that’s all the time we got on The Project! Yo, peace out everybody! Let’s dance!
Submitted by: Mia