Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 2
CNN Breaking News
Arnold Schwarzenegger…..Darrell Hammond
Announcer: This is CNN.
[open on podium where press conference is held]
Andrea Gilbert: [voice over] This is Andrea Gilbert in Los Angeles, where we’re just moments away from that press conference called by governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger. And here he is.
[Arnold walks up to the podium. A text box appears reading “Breaking News: Schwarzenegger Press Conference”.]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Good evening. Last Tuesday, the people of California went to the polls and sent out their message that they got tired of the career politicians and business as usual, with the taxes and the deficits and the shortages of electricity and all of these things! They voted to make me the governor, to take back the state from the special interests, by cleaning up the mess in Sacramento and so on and so forth. And now, after spending the last four days in the Capital, and studying the situation up close, one thing to me is clear: I have no idea what I’m doing in this job. Oh, yes, and I am in way over my head. That is why late yesterday I phoned the lieutenant governor Cruz Bustamante to inform him that I was officially resigning from my job as governor-elect and now I will have to take your questions, and things of that nature. Yes?
[text box changes to read: Schwarzenegger resigns as governor-elect,Schwarzenegger: “I have no idea what I’m doing”, Schwarzenegger: “I am in way over my head”.]
Reporter 1: [voice over] I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind sharing us details of your conversation with Lieutenant Governor Bustamante. What precisely did you tell him in your phone call?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I explained to Lieutenant Governor Bustamante that I was not qualified for this job because my background as a bodybuilder and action film star did not prepare me for being Governor of California and all these types of things. Although I offered him my help during the transition, not with the tax policy or the budget or the matters of that sort, because my ideas in this area make no sense. But more with the carrying of the file boxes and bookcases and so on. From one office to the other. Yes?
[text changes to “Schwarzenegger offers to assist Bustamante with transition by carrying file boxes, bookcases”]
Reporter 2: [voice over] Did you and Lieutenant Governor agree on a specific date when you will officially hand over the office?
[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “I am not qualified to be governor”]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Unfortunately, as of this afternoon Mr. Bustamante has not agreed to take over as governor. And this is very troubling for me because I am not good at this job! And I am a menace to California. For example, two days ago I just put together my first budget, to close the deficit in control of the state spending and this and that, and turned out it would make the deficit bigger to 117 billion or something like this. And that is three times more than Gray Davis. (starts laughing) That is sort of funny when you think about it. And if you remember what I said in the campaign, we were a long time laughing when we learned this. But let me tell you something, it is not funny for the children and the future of California. Yes?
[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “My policies do not make any sense”]
Reporter 3: [voice over] What if Mr. Bustamante refuses to accept the governorship?
[text changes to: Schwarzenegger: “I would triple state deficit”]
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Well I hope the Lieutenant Governor Bustamante will do what is right for the people of California, and agree to take over for me as the governor, but if he does not agree to this thing, then we will only have one choice: to start a campaign to have him recalled as Lieutenant Governor and replace him with a Lieutenant Governor who will agree to take my job. The future of California and all of that is just too important, and so on. Thank you.(leaves podium)
[text finally changes to “Schwarzenegger threatens recall of Lt. Gov. Bustamante if he does not agree to replace him as governor”]
Andrea Gilbert: [voice over] It appears that governor-elect Schwarzenegger’s latest press conference has completed, and now the situation in California is no closer to resolution. For CNN, I’m Andrea Gilbert. And now, back to Atlanta.
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