Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 2
[ open on Denise leading a blindfolded Sully into an elegant restaurant, followed by the watchful eyes of Tommy’s camcorder ]
Denise: Tommy, over here! Get the look on his face! Alright! Pat Sullivan.. are you ready for your birthday surprise?!
Sully: Where have you taken me? I hope it’s not a high-end strip club.
Denise: It’s not! It is Boston’s acclaimed eatery – Anthony’s Pier 4! [ pulls the blindfold from Sully’s eyes ]
Sully: [ underwhelmed ] Oh.. alright..
Denise: What?! Are you not excited?!
Sully: When you said I had to wear a tie, I thought we were going to the Champagne Room at Ritz Dollhouse. Not that I would know their requirements!
Denise: Sorry – no strippers. But, if you play your cards right, you’ll get your own private sohw, later tonight on the futon on ya’ mother’s sunporch!
Sully: Your mother’s sunporch!
Denise: You ah!
[ they proceed to make out, as Denise’s younger brother Danny separates them ]
Danny: Hey, hey, hey! Knock it off! You’re gonna put people off their chowdah!
Denise: [ groans ] What was paported to be a romantic evening, has blossomed into a full-blown family affair, as we are accompanied by my little brother Danny.
Danny: Call me Dadoo!
Sully: Why is he heah?
Denise: My mother went to Foxwoods.
Sully: For the wonder of it all?
Denise: Yeah. And I cannot leave him unattended, because, if he gets arrested one more time, he’ll become a ward of the state!
[ Maitre’D approaches ]
Maitre’D: May I help you?
Denise: Uh, yeah.. we have a reservation, under “Zazoo”.
Sully: Nice! [ to the camcorder ] Never use your real name, in case you decide to dine and dash!
Maitre’D: [ disgusted ] Table for three?
Denise: Uh, yeah.. [ points to Dadoo ] ..but this one will not be eating.
Sully: Uh.. make sure it’s a nice table there – not too close to the crack! [ slips the Maitre’D a single dollar bill ]
Maitre’D: [ chuckles ]
Maitre’D: [ leads the trio to their table ] Here we are.
Denise: Ah.. delightful.
[ the three of them sit at the table ]
Sully: Denise, this is the greatest birthday of my life! There’s magic in the air.. and I just want to say that I am madly in love.. eith the Boston Red Sox! Down, but not OUT, baby!! Yeah! [ working the other diners ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!” RED SOX!!
Sully: [ pointing ] That lady didn’t say it! You’re a jinx! I will take you down like Don Zimmer!
Denise: [ to the camcorder ] Sully is very superstitious.
Sully: Yeah! I will not shave my beard until the series is over! [ camera zooms in on the practically hairless beard upon Sully’s face ]
Denise: Oh, my Gawd..
[ Waiter approaches ]
Waiter: Good evening, uh.. my name is Michael, and I’ll be your server this evening. Can I get you a beverage to start?
Sully: Strawberry daiquiri.
Denise: A chocolate mudslide.
Danny: Amaretto and cream.
Waiter: Great! Can I see some IDs?
Sully: Iced tea!
Denise: Diet Coke.
Danny: Chocolate milk.
Waiter: Fantastic! I’l be right back.
Sully: Good Lord, Denise.. this place is pricey.
Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Sully.. we’re livin’ large tonight. We’re like Ben and J. Lo in the box seats, I swear to Gawd! If you want, you can even get Surf ‘N Turf.
Sully: I’ll surf your turf!
Denise: You’re a wicked moron!
Sully: You ahh!
[ they make out ]
Danny: [ raises his lit menu ] Hey, Chief? I’m gonna need another menu. This one’s on fire!
Waiter: [ rushes in ] Oh, my God! Sorry!
Denise: Oh, my Gawd..
Sully: Hey! Knock it off, you pyro!
Denise: Leave him alone! You know he’s got problems!
Sully: This kid enjoys fires the way other people enjoy, say.. a work of art.. or intercourse.
Danny: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Denise: Gawd.. On the bright side, Danny’s problems may turn into cold, hard cash for the McDunna Family. We’reexpecting a $300,000 settlement from the Boston Archdiocese. And, though I cannot specify why, suffice it to say, my brother’s cherubic good looks did play a major part!
Danny: I was only minorly diddled – only minorly.
Waiter: Are we ready to order?
Denise: Uh.. yeah! I will have the Tuna Tartar – well done.. and the gentleman will have a Surf ‘N Turf.
Sully: And no vegetables, please! If there is a vegetable mattah on my plate, the meal will be comp! Thank you.
Danny: And for you, sir?
Denise: Oh, my Gawd – he’s totally fine with just bread!
Danny: [ holds his lit napkin ] Except, I’m gonna need a new napkin – this one’s on fire!
Waiter: Right away, sir..
[ suddenly, Frank enters ]
Frank: De-nise! I had a problem with your car.
Denise: Frank! What are you talkin’ about?
Frank: After youse went inside, I saw smoke comin’ out of the glove compartment, so I opened it! Somebody had lit all your parking tickets on fire! So I poured my bottle of Sprite on it.. but, I forgot – inside my Sprite bottle, I have Vodka! Then, the whole thing lit up.
Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Danny! See what you did!
Danny: I didn’t do it! I did this one! [ points to the table’s flaming centerpiece ]
Waiter: Oh, my God! alright, you know what?! That is it! That is it! Get out of here! You clearly do not know the proper way to eat out!!
Sully: [ smiles, looks at the camcorder ] Tommy! Please tell me you got that! [ jumps up from the table as they make their exit ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!” RED SOX!!
[ fades ]