SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 10/11/03: Boston Teens


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Boston Teens

Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Danny…..Justin Timberlake
Maitre’D…..Chris Parnell
Waiter…..Seth Meyers
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on Denise leading a blindfolded Sully into an elegant restaurant, followed by the watchful eyes of Tommy’s camcorder ]

Denise: Tommy, over here! Get the look on his face! Alright! Pat Sullivan.. are you ready for your birthday surprise?!

Sully: Where have you taken me? I hope it’s not a high-end strip club.

Denise: It’s not! It is Boston’s acclaimed eatery – Anthony’s Pier 4! [ pulls the blindfold from Sully’s eyes ]

Sully: [ underwhelmed ] Oh.. alright..

Denise: What?! Are you not excited?!

Sully: When you said I had to wear a tie, I thought we were going to the Champagne Room at Ritz Dollhouse. Not that I would know their requirements!

Denise: Sorry – no strippers. But, if you play your cards right, you’ll get your own private sohw, later tonight on the futon on ya’ mother’s sunporch!

Sully: Your mother’s sunporch!

Denise: You ah!

[ they proceed to make out, as Denise’s younger brother Danny separates them ]

Danny: Hey, hey, hey! Knock it off! You’re gonna put people off their chowdah!

Denise: [ groans ] What was paported to be a romantic evening, has blossomed into a full-blown family affair, as we are accompanied by my little brother Danny.

Danny: Call me Dadoo!

Sully: Why is he heah?

Denise: My mother went to Foxwoods.

Sully: For the wonder of it all?

Denise: Yeah. And I cannot leave him unattended, because, if he gets arrested one more time, he’ll become a ward of the state!

[ Maitre’D approaches ]

Maitre’D: May I help you?

Denise: Uh, yeah.. we have a reservation, under “Zazoo”.

Sully: Nice! [ to the camcorder ] Never use your real name, in case you decide to dine and dash!

Maitre’D: [ disgusted ] Table for three?

Denise: Uh, yeah.. [ points to Dadoo ] ..but this one will not be eating.

Sully: Uh.. make sure it’s a nice table there – not too close to the crack! [ slips the Maitre’D a single dollar bill ]

Maitre’D: [ chuckles ]

Denise: Nice!

Maitre’D: [ leads the trio to their table ] Here we are.

Denise: Ah.. delightful.

[ the three of them sit at the table ]

Sully: Denise, this is the greatest birthday of my life! There’s magic in the air.. and I just want to say that I am madly in love.. eith the Boston Red Sox! Down, but not OUT, baby!! Yeah! [ working the other diners ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!RED SOX!!


Sully: [ pointing ] That lady didn’t say it! You’re a jinx! I will take you down like Don Zimmer!

Denise: [ to the camcorder ] Sully is very superstitious.

Sully: Yeah! I will not shave my beard until the series is over! [ camera zooms in on the practically hairless beard upon Sully’s face ]

Denise: Oh, my Gawd..

[ Waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Good evening, uh.. my name is Michael, and I’ll be your server this evening. Can I get you a beverage to start?

Sully: Strawberry daiquiri.

Denise: A chocolate mudslide.

Danny: Amaretto and cream.

Waiter: Great! Can I see some IDs?

Sully: Iced tea!

Denise: Diet Coke.

Danny: Chocolate milk.

Waiter: Fantastic! I’l be right back.

Sully: Good Lord, Denise.. this place is pricey.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Sully.. we’re livin’ large tonight. We’re like Ben and J. Lo in the box seats, I swear to Gawd! If you want, you can even get Surf ‘N Turf.

Sully: I’ll surf your turf!

Denise: You’re a wicked moron!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they make out ]

Danny: [ raises his lit menu ] Hey, Chief? I’m gonna need another menu. This one’s on fire!

Waiter: [ rushes in ] Oh, my God! Sorry!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd..

Sully: Hey! Knock it off, you pyro!

Denise: Leave him alone! You know he’s got problems!

Sully: This kid enjoys fires the way other people enjoy, say.. a work of art.. or intercourse.

Danny: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Denise: Gawd.. On the bright side, Danny’s problems may turn into cold, hard cash for the McDunna Family. We’reexpecting a $300,000 settlement from the Boston Archdiocese. And, though I cannot specify why, suffice it to say, my brother’s cherubic good looks did play a major part!

Danny: I was only minorly diddled – only minorly.

Waiter: Are we ready to order?

Denise: Uh.. yeah! I will have the Tuna Tartar – well done.. and the gentleman will have a Surf ‘N Turf.

Sully: And no vegetables, please! If there is a vegetable mattah on my plate, the meal will be comp! Thank you.

Danny: And for you, sir?

Denise: Oh, my Gawd – he’s totally fine with just bread!

Danny: [ holds his lit napkin ] Except, I’m gonna need a new napkin – this one’s on fire!

Waiter: Right away, sir..

Denise: Danny!

[ suddenly, Frank enters ]

Frank: De-nise! I had a problem with your car.

Denise: Frank! What are you talkin’ about?

Frank: After youse went inside, I saw smoke comin’ out of the glove compartment, so I opened it! Somebody had lit all your parking tickets on fire! So I poured my bottle of Sprite on it.. but, I forgot – inside my Sprite bottle, I have Vodka! Then, the whole thing lit up.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Danny! See what you did!

Danny: I didn’t do it! I did this one! [ points to the table’s flaming centerpiece ]

Waiter: Oh, my God! alright, you know what?! That is it! That is it! Get out of here! You clearly do not know the proper way to eat out!!

Sully: [ smiles, looks at the camcorder ] Tommy! Please tell me you got that! [ jumps up from the table as they make their exit ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!RED SOX!!


[ fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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