SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 10/11/03: Boston Teens

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

Boston Teens

Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Danny…..Justin Timberlake
Maitre’D…..Chris Parnell
Waiter…..Seth Meyers
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on Denise leading a blindfolded Sully into an elegant restaurant, followed by the watchful eyes of Tommy’s camcorder ]

Denise: Tommy, over here! Get the look on his face! Alright! Pat Sullivan.. are you ready for your birthday surprise?!

Sully: Where have you taken me? I hope it’s not a high-end strip club.

Denise: It’s not! It is Boston’s acclaimed eatery – Anthony’s Pier 4! [ pulls the blindfold from Sully’s eyes ]

Sully: [ underwhelmed ] Oh.. alright..

Denise: What?! Are you not excited?!

Sully: When you said I had to wear a tie, I thought we were going to the Champagne Room at Ritz Dollhouse. Not that I would know their requirements!

Denise: Sorry – no strippers. But, if you play your cards right, you’ll get your own private sohw, later tonight on the futon on ya’ mother’s sunporch!

Sully: Your mother’s sunporch!

Denise: You ah!

[ they proceed to make out, as Denise’s younger brother Danny separates them ]

Danny: Hey, hey, hey! Knock it off! You’re gonna put people off their chowdah!

Denise: [ groans ] What was paported to be a romantic evening, has blossomed into a full-blown family affair, as we are accompanied by my little brother Danny.

Danny: Call me Dadoo!

Sully: Why is he heah?

Denise: My mother went to Foxwoods.

Sully: For the wonder of it all?

Denise: Yeah. And I cannot leave him unattended, because, if he gets arrested one more time, he’ll become a ward of the state!

[ Maitre’D approaches ]

Maitre’D: May I help you?

Denise: Uh, yeah.. we have a reservation, under “Zazoo”.

Sully: Nice! [ to the camcorder ] Never use your real name, in case you decide to dine and dash!

Maitre’D: [ disgusted ] Table for three?

Denise: Uh, yeah.. [ points to Dadoo ] ..but this one will not be eating.

Sully: Uh.. make sure it’s a nice table there – not too close to the crack! [ slips the Maitre’D a single dollar bill ]

Maitre’D: [ chuckles ]

Denise: Nice!

Maitre’D: [ leads the trio to their table ] Here we are.

Denise: Ah.. delightful.

[ the three of them sit at the table ]

Sully: Denise, this is the greatest birthday of my life! There’s magic in the air.. and I just want to say that I am madly in love.. eith the Boston Red Sox! Down, but not OUT, baby!! Yeah! [ working the other diners ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!RED SOX!!


Sully: [ pointing ] That lady didn’t say it! You’re a jinx! I will take you down like Don Zimmer!

Denise: [ to the camcorder ] Sully is very superstitious.

Sully: Yeah! I will not shave my beard until the series is over! [ camera zooms in on the practically hairless beard upon Sully’s face ]

Denise: Oh, my Gawd..

[ Waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Good evening, uh.. my name is Michael, and I’ll be your server this evening. Can I get you a beverage to start?

Sully: Strawberry daiquiri.

Denise: A chocolate mudslide.

Danny: Amaretto and cream.

Waiter: Great! Can I see some IDs?

Sully: Iced tea!

Denise: Diet Coke.

Danny: Chocolate milk.

Waiter: Fantastic! I’l be right back.

Sully: Good Lord, Denise.. this place is pricey.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Sully.. we’re livin’ large tonight. We’re like Ben and J. Lo in the box seats, I swear to Gawd! If you want, you can even get Surf ‘N Turf.

Sully: I’ll surf your turf!

Denise: You’re a wicked moron!

Sully: You ahh!

[ they make out ]

Danny: [ raises his lit menu ] Hey, Chief? I’m gonna need another menu. This one’s on fire!

Waiter: [ rushes in ] Oh, my God! Sorry!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd..

Sully: Hey! Knock it off, you pyro!

Denise: Leave him alone! You know he’s got problems!

Sully: This kid enjoys fires the way other people enjoy, say.. a work of art.. or intercourse.

Danny: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Denise: Gawd.. On the bright side, Danny’s problems may turn into cold, hard cash for the McDunna Family. We’reexpecting a $300,000 settlement from the Boston Archdiocese. And, though I cannot specify why, suffice it to say, my brother’s cherubic good looks did play a major part!

Danny: I was only minorly diddled – only minorly.

Waiter: Are we ready to order?

Denise: Uh.. yeah! I will have the Tuna Tartar – well done.. and the gentleman will have a Surf ‘N Turf.

Sully: And no vegetables, please! If there is a vegetable mattah on my plate, the meal will be comp! Thank you.

Danny: And for you, sir?

Denise: Oh, my Gawd – he’s totally fine with just bread!

Danny: [ holds his lit napkin ] Except, I’m gonna need a new napkin – this one’s on fire!

Waiter: Right away, sir..

Denise: Danny!

[ suddenly, Frank enters ]

Frank: De-nise! I had a problem with your car.

Denise: Frank! What are you talkin’ about?

Frank: After youse went inside, I saw smoke comin’ out of the glove compartment, so I opened it! Somebody had lit all your parking tickets on fire! So I poured my bottle of Sprite on it.. but, I forgot – inside my Sprite bottle, I have Vodka! Then, the whole thing lit up.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Danny! See what you did!

Danny: I didn’t do it! I did this one! [ points to the table’s flaming centerpiece ]

Waiter: Oh, my God! alright, you know what?! That is it! That is it! Get out of here! You clearly do not know the proper way to eat out!!

Sully: [ smiles, looks at the camcorder ] Tommy! Please tell me you got that! [ jumps up from the table as they make their exit ] When I say “Red Sox”, you say NOMAAAARR!!RED SOX!!


[ fades ]

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