Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 2
Gary Busey…..Jeff Richards
[ open on Gary Busey, reading a letter from a Direct TV subscriber ]
Gary Busey: “Dear Direct TV: I’ve been a subscriber of your service for 38 days, and I’m writing to tell you–“
[ stops reading ]
Hold on a second, can I just say something here? As me, Gary Busey? I agree with this guy – Direct TV, you are great! My attention is so rapt with your sheer volume of boobie channels, that now.. the only time I have to leave the house is to go to the ATM and/or the emergency room!
There’s so many boobie channels, that I often find myself running from room to room! My pants around my ankles! It’s a gas! Sometimes, I put two TVs, side by side.. and then I can see four boobies at once!
One time, I fell asleep in a satellite dish, woke up with this hellacious sunburn and the ability to smell colors! [ sniffs ] “Direct TV.. blahbity, blah blah blah.. [ farts ] Here’s a little piece of trivia for you – my farts.. smell like butterscotch. It’s not a joke – they either smell like butt or Scotch.
[ finishes reading letter ]
“Signed.. Thomas Jacob, Direct TV subscriber.”
[ looks offscreen ] Was that alright? Did you get it all, hombres? Hey, come on, don’t be mad! I’m just trying to spice this stinkburger up a little bit!
[ cut to Direct TV logo ]
Announcer: Become a Direct TV fan, for just $39.99 a month.