Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 2
Hardball
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Karl Rove…..Jeff Richards
Ann Coulter…..Amy Poehler
Gary Coleman…..Kenan Thompson
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! A White House leak exposes the name of an undercover CIA agent! You got so many bullets flying around Iraq, it’s starting to look like the final scene in “Scarface“! A study of the national deficit’s higher than Rush Limbaugh at a Mexican pharmacy! Don’t look now, people, but President Bush’s approval rating is going down faster than Paris Hilton in the back of Limp Bizkit’s tourbus! [ slaps the top of his desk ] I got a million of ’em, people!
With little more than a year away from Election 2004, is the President in trouble? Joining us today, the man who makes Bush dance like a marionette, the man who plays Willie Tyler to George Bush’s Lester – Republican strategist and secret ruler of the Western world, Karl Rove!
Karl Rove: It’s nice to be here, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Shut it!! Your Jedi mind tricks ain’t gonna work on me, Lord Vader! Also joining us, author of the book “Slander And Treason”, a woman full of more vile than Nick Nolte’s liver – Ann Coulter!
Ann Coulter: Typical slander from the liberal media..
Chris Matthews: That wasn’t slander! Now, if I’d said you look like a kneecap with hair – that would be slander!
Karl Rove, we’re gonna start with you! Bush is really taking heat for this leak, which some believe is dirty politics! Have you located the source?
Karl Rove: Chris, the White house does not in any condone this leak issue, and we are doing everything we can to find the person responsible. I, personally, went as far to purchase.. [ holds up detective hat ] ..this hat.. [ holds up magnifying glass ] ..this magnifying glas.. [ puts detetive pipe in his mouth ] ..and this pipe. But, still nothing. But we’re hopeful.
Chris Matthews: Keep us posted! Ann Coulter, what do you make of this leak situation? Is the Bush administration telling us the whole story, or what?!
Ann Coulter: Chris, I am outraged. For you to even insinuate that the Bush administration isn’t being truthful, is treason.
Chris Matthews: Huh. Interesting. Wouldn’t it also be treason for a White House official to leak the name of an undercover CIA officer?
Ann Coulter: [ a lengthy pause as she is stuck for an answer ] Traitor!
Chris Matthews: Answer the question!
Ann Coulter: Maybe you should stop being a traitor, and start being a traita-hata!
Chris Matthews: What?!
Ann Coulter: What’s the matter, are you thirsty? You want some Traitor-Ade?
Chris Matthews: Okay, now you’re just being childish!
Ann Coulter: No, I’m not! I’m rubber, you’re glue; everything you say —
Chris Matthews: Hey, Lockjaw! Zip it! I can smell your soul rotting from here!
Joining us now, is a man who finished eighth in the California racde, but probably has a better chance of becoming President than any of the Democrats currently running – Mr. Gary Coleman!
[ cut to Gary Coleman sitting on an oversized chair behind an oversized desk ]
[ SUPER: “Gary Coleman. Actor/Punchline” ]
Gary Coleman: Good evening, Chris!
Chris Matthews: Gary, what did you learn from the Governor’s race, and will you run again for office?
Gary Coleman: Well, Chris.. I learned not to dwell so much on the opportunities I’ve lost. Excuse me for one second.. [ grabs an oversized coffee mug from off-camera, and takes a sip ] But, rather, to focus on the issues of my campaign. People of California: I don’t want gto molest you, like that episode with Dudley in the back of that weird dude’s bike shop! I simply wanna be your governor! And, mark my words, in the very near future, Gary Coleman will hold public office.
Chris Matthews: Oh, yeah? I got another prediction: in the near future, Gary Coleman will be cleaning a public office! Final thoughts!
Gary Coleman: Well, Chris.. while on the campaign trail, I was constantly asked the same question: “Why should I vote for you, Webster?” To wit, I answer: “Because.. [ singing ] what might be right for you.. may not be right for so-o-ome!” I’m Gary Coleman, and that is what I’m talkin’ about, Willis!
Chris Matthews: I knew booking you was a good idea! Ann Coulter, you melted Barbie doll – you got anything else?!
Ann Coulter: This program is full of lies, and treason, and uh.. slanderous lies, treasontons, slandertons.. tries.. rander.. and sleazen! And, if you want me on the show again, the answer is Yes.
Chris Matthews: [ laughs ] Good Lord! I would call you “media whore”, but I feel that would be offensive to whores! Ha!! Karl Rove, any final words before you slink back into the shadowy cave where you ocntrol the whole world?!
Karl Rove: Yes, Chris. Uh, we determined the source of the leak, and it turns out it was me! What are you gonna do about it?
Chris Matthews: Uh.. I’m gonna report you to the authorities.
Karl Rove: Wrong move, smart guy. Shut it down, guys! Shut this whole down!
[ an assembly crew with Karl Rove enters the “Hardball” set and dismantles it around Chris Matthews ]
Chris Matthews: You know, I should have seen that coming. When we come back, I’m gonna be broadcasting from a cell at Guantanamo Bay. But, until then.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
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