Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 2
Ashton Kutcher…..Justin Timberlake
Fred Durst…..Jeff Richards
Mugger #1…..Kenan Thompson
Mugger #2…..Horatio Sanz
Christina Aguilera…..Maya Rudolph
50 Cent…..Finesse Mitchell
Ashton Kutcher(VO): You watched the Real World – You Never Saw: Las Vegas. You seen Jackass Steve-o Dont Try This at Home. Now MTV drops a special edition DVD of their newest hit show Punkd: Barely Legal, starring me, Ashton Kutcher. Im awesome! [appears] Heres the deal, Im Ashton Kutcher. Im awesome! Were showing you all the pranks we werent allowed to put on MTV but now we can, because my lawyer found a loophole. Aint that right, man?
Lawyer: Well its not really a loophole. What youre doing is actually very illegal, Ashton
Ashton Kutcher: Call me Kooch [pushes him out of the frame] Check out when we punk Fred Durst!
[Fred comes out of a backstage door, 2 muggers with guns approach him]
Mugger #1: Hey Fred Durst! Fred Durst!
Mugger #2: Gimme your wallet Fred Durst!
Fred Durst: Please dont hurt me. Please dont hurt my beautiful face. Ill do anything. Ill – Ill touch you wiener. Ill touch your —
Ashton Kutcher: [appears] Whats going on in here? Ha! Fred Durst you just got Punkd. They didnt even ask you to touch their wiener you just offered it. Im awesome!
[just him in the frame] Ha! What a wuss. Why am I so kick ass? Is it because I m dating Demi Moore? Yeah, you know it. Ha! Heres one you wont see on t.v. Watch how we punk Christina Aguilera
Christina Aguilera: [in a recording studio]
“I am beautiful, no matter what they say.
Yes words cant bring me down.”
Oh my god. Whats wrong with me? Ive been sick all mornin.
Ashton Kutcher: [appears] Youre gonna be a mom!
Christina Aguilera: What?
Ashton Kutcher: You just got Punkd! We switched out your birth control pills.
Christina Aguilera: Oh my God. You got me. You are so good.
Ashton Kutcher: I know I am. Im Aston Kutcher. Im awesome!
[just him in the frame] Hahaha! Hilarious as usual.
Lawyer: Really problematic. I dont think you can release the DVD [Ashton pushes him out of the frame]
Ashton Kutcher: My life is perfect! But sometimes the pranks arent. Thats when you gotta use the ole noodle. Like when we tried to punk 50 Cent. Watch Dax make him think theres a monster in his room!
50 Cent: [in a bedroom, walks to the bathroom, jumps back and shuts the door] Yo, Im not going in there. Theres a vampire in the bathtub.
[Dax comes out and 50 Cent shoots him repeatedly, finally throwing the empty gun at him]
Ashton Kutcher: [appears, laughing] Dude thats awesome! You didnt know that you were gonna kill somebody. And Dax didnt even know he was gonna get killed. Its a double punk!
[jumping on the bed]
Im awesome! Im Ashton Kutcher. I love Justin Timberlake [jumps out of the scene]
Ashton Kutcher (VO): Punkd: Barely Legal available every place thats awesome!
Submitted by: Catrina