SNL Transcripts: Justin Timberlake: 10/11/03: A Message From Nick Lachey And Jessica Simpson


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 2

03b: Justin Timberlake

A Message From Nick Lachey And Jessica Simpson

Nick Lachey…..Jimmy Fallon
Jessica Simpson…..Justin Timberlake

Announcer: And now, a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

Nick Lachey: Hi. I’m Nick Lachey, formerly of the band 98 Degrees, and currently of.. well.. nothing.

Jessica Simpson: And I’m his wife Jessica Simpson, formerly of the band.. Jessica Simpson.

Nick Lachey: Recently, thanks to our TV show “Newlyweds”, a lot of people have been saying a lot of nasty things about my wife!

Jessica Simpson: Seriously, you guys – it’s totally me! I’m not stupid! Okay.. okay, so I’m not some fancy “middle school” graduate! Big whoop! Would my life really be any better if I went to whatever comes after middle school?! I don’t thknk so!

Nick Lachey: Look, here’s the deal – I’ve known Jessica for a long time, and I know she’s not gonna cure cancer, okay? To be honest.. I wouldn’t even trust her to cure a ham.

Jessica Simpson: [ concerned ] Awwww.. the ham is sick?

Nick Lachey: Once we got past all that.. I realized something very important – she wasn’t going to let me have sex with her unless we were married.

Jessica Simpson: Uh-uh, no way!

Nick Lachey: So.. so I married her, and it was awesome! Like, really, really awesome! Then, it got less awesome. Then, it got awesome again, from different angles – you know what I mean.

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] What are you talking about, honey?

Nick Lachey: Uh.. don’t worry about it. Uh.. the point is – everyone should just back off, okay?

Jessica Simpson: For reals, y’all! You guys are just overreacting! So what if I thought Chicken of the Sea tuna was actually chicken?! Or that I thought buffalo wings were actually made out of buffalos?! So what if I cried for three whole days when I thought that Peter Pan was ground up to make peanut butter?! So what if I never learn to read or write?! And, when I sign autographs, I have to sign with an “X“?!

Nick Lachey: Okay honey, that’s enough.. we’ve got it–

Jessica Simpson: No, Nick! It’s not enough! I want these people to know that it hurt my feelings.. [ begins to weep ] ..when they say I’m not ed-u-ma-cated, or whatever! I mean, if I’m so retarded, how come my driver’s license says.. “functionally retarded”?!

Nick Lachey: Okay, honey, th-that’s drop that..!

Jessica Simpson: So, in conclusion, you may call me “Dumb”.. you may call me “Stupid”.. you may even call me “Dumb“.. but think about this! [ leans back, quiet ]

Nick Lachey: Wh-what, honey? Think about what?

Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] What?

Nick Lachey: The point. You were making a point?

Jessica Simpson: When? [ a beat ] Can we go, honey? I have to drop the kids off at the pool!

Nick Lachey: That’s great, that’s great, that’s great..

Jessica Simpson: When I said “pool”, I meant “toilet”!

Nick Lachey: Okay, I got it–

Jessica Simpson: And “kids” meant “poop!

Nick Lachey: Okay, okay..

Announcer: This has been a message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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