Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 2
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Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.
When voters in California went to the polls Tuesday for the gubernatoral recall race, they found the names of the 135 contenders on a ballot six pages long. Thus, making it the longest thing most Californians have ever read.
In his first news conference after being elected Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to “clean house in Sacramento.” He also threatened to “molest the energy crisis” and to “date rape the deficit.”
Jimmy Fallon: For the first time, the annual event Gay Day, in which homosexuals gather at Disneyland, was held at EuroDisney in Paris. It was the largest gathering of gay men in Paris since “The Day Before.”
A Harlem man, Antoine Yates, is recovering in a hospital, after being mauled by a pet 400-pound tiger, which he was keeping in his apartment. Thus dealying the opening of the new Las Vegas show: Siegfried & Antoine.
Tina Fey: In an effort to improve her image, Shannen Doherty has signed on to produce and act in a new sitcom about a young woman with a reputation for being difficult. and mean, but who’s really kind at heart. Doherty will play that woman’s bitchy friend.
Next month, a flawless $10 million diamond the soze of a walnut will go on auction at sothrby’s. And just in time, because Kobe Bryant’s wife has a birthday coming up.
Speaking of which, the preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant’s rape trial turned ugly on Thursday, when Pamela Mackey, Bryant’s lawyer, “accidentally” said his accuser’s name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admoished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman’s name five times, which is really bad. Because what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the qwomean’s name, is to put hwer at risk of further harassment. A laweyer, like Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm Haddon, Morgan, Mueller, George, Mackey & Foreman – which is probably in the 303 area code – should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name, like Joe Smith, or, I don’t know – Pamela Mackey – and learn everything about them, and call them and mess with them, and stuff! So, be mroe careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, because I heard a rumor that you’re a little unstable, and you like to give wobble jobs to homeless guys! And, I want you to focus up and win this trial. I’m Pamela Mackey – back to you, Pamela Mackey!
Jimmy Fallon: Environmentalists announced this week that two dams on a river in Maine are to be torn down, in an effort to encourage salmon to return to the river to spawn. Also encouraging salmon to spawn: salmon porn.
Tina Fey: After a week of speculation by the press, Rush Limbaugh aditted on Friday that he is addicted to painkillers, and, I’m sorry to say, hoagies.
Limbaugh blames his addiction on a botched back operation – and lesbians.
Female Dutch athletes will appear nude on a Pay-Per-View website to pay for their training. And they are showing everything! We’re talking full-frontal duffenstorken.. shaved skrunk.. pootenschtabs.. girl-on-girl gorking —
Jimmy Fallon: I-I heard, uh.. one of them even had their glooberschnook in a stugenslume.
Tina Fey: No way! They’re showing their cloberhabinschnit?
Jimmy Fallon: Zork!
Tina Fey: Ooh! Flerm!
[ they pause to mark the end of the scene ]
Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] Iraq awarded its first nationwide mobile —
[ still cracking up ] Flerm??
Iraq awarded its first nationwide mobile telephone licenses to three Middle Eastern companies on Monday, saying service could begin by the end of the month. This means Iraq will soon be able to talk anywhere at any time, about how they have no electricty or food.
Tina Fey: Now, this is an odd story. Last week, a couple hiking on a remote mountain in Sweden found seventy pairs of shoes, all filled with butter. To see something like that here in America, you would have to travel all the way to Starr Jones’ closet.
Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
