Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 3
Kobe Bryant…..Finesse Mitchell
Vanessa Bryant…..Maya Rudolph
Lawyer: Kobe.. Vanessa.. Thank you for agreeing to another press conference. [ sighs ] I know this is hard for you, but.. the more you appear in public together, the better it is for Kobe’s trial.
Kobe Bryant: [ holding hands with his wife ] Let’s just get this over with. I don’t want to put my wife through any more pain than I already have.
Vanessa Bryant: Thank you, honey.
Lawyer: Well, we’re almost ready out there.. so I’ll give you guys a minute to collect your thoughts.
Kobe Bryant: Thank you, Paul.. thank you. Thank you, because we couldn’t do this without you..[ Lawyer exits room ]
Vanessa Bryant: [ wrings her hands free from Kobe’s ] You better get your damn hand off me before I break it off like a chopstick!
Kobe Bryant: Baby, please..
Vanessa Bryant: Don’t you “Baby” me! If you want to address me, you’d better call me by my name: Mrs. Kobe Bryant!! So I know you’re talking to me, and not some concierge or some chambermaid, or some ho you met selling Mets jerseys outside the Meadowlands!
Kobe Bryant: Vanessa! I never talk to other girls. Just this one time —
Vanessa Bryant: Ohhh, just this one time.. when I talked to this girl for five minutes, and then I tripped and my chocolate fell into her peanut butter! Right?! I oughta break that thing off, and take it home with me![ Lawyer re-enters room, as the Bryants return to their fake romantic pose ]
Lawyer: Kobe, Vanessa.. it’s just gonna be a couple more minutes, because they’re fussing with the lighting.
Vanessa Bryant: Okay.
Kobe Bryant: Thank you, Paul.. thank you. I just want people to know I love my wife.. and she’s gonna stand by my side.
Vanessa Bryant: I appreciate what you’re doing for our family..[ Lawyer exits room ]
Vanessa Bryant: [ slaps Kobe across the face ] ..’Cause we are a family! I made a damn baby for you, and if you think you’re ever cheating on me again, you out of your damn mind!!
Kobe Bryant: Vanessa.. if I could just turn back the hands of time —
Vanessa Bryant: Honey! Look at me. Look.. at.. me! Look at meeee! Do you know.. do you know how good this is, baby? Do you know how many men dream of getting some of this? I could have married anybody, honey! Allen Iverson.. Vlade Devak.. L’il Bow Wow. Honey, look! You remember this? You remember this, baby? Well, you will never.. ever.. see this again! Ne-he-ver!![ Lawyer re-enters; the Bryants recompose themselves ]
Lawyer: Hey.. um.. I hate to tell you this, but.. the questions may be a little graphic out there. Um.. how can I say this delicately..? Kobe.. they may accuse you of a “back court violation”.. So, I just wanted to warn you both, alright?
Vanessa Bryant: I’m not worried, Paul.. I love this man.. [ sentimental ] [ Lawter exits room ]
Kobe Bryant: Ow! Ow!
Vanessa Bryant: I want another ring for that! Pig!
Kobe Bryant: Maybe we should just get a divorce.
Vanessa Bryant: Oh! Or maybe we should just stay married for the rest of your natural life!![ Vanessa smashes a glass over Kobe’s head ]
Kobe Bryant: I hate that!
Vanessa Bryant: You know what I hate? Going to my husband’s rape trial![ Lawyer re-enters ]
Lawyer: You guys, they’re letting the press in now, so it’ll just be another minute.
Vanessa Bryant: Okay.[ Lawyer exits room ]
Vanessa Bryant: Do you know how the rest of your life is gonna be?
Kobe Bryant: Yes.
Vanessa Bryant: How’s it gonna be?
Kobe Bryant: Strict.
Vanessa Bryant: What’cha gonna do?
Kobe Bryant: Play basketball.
Vanessa Bryant: Mmm-hmm. And after you play basketball?
Kobe Bryant: Come home —
Vanessa Bryant: Come home with what?
Kobe Bryant: A diamond —
Vanessa Bryant: A diamond and what?
Kobe Bryant: A diamond and a dry dong..
Vanessa Bryant: That’s right, baby! And what am I?
Kobe Bryant: You’re the air I breathe.
Vanessa Bryant: And?
Kobe Bryant: And.. the strongest woman I’ve ever met.
Vanessa Bryant: And?
Kobe Bryant: Oh.. and I got you another one of these [ pulls a bracelet out of his pocket ]
Vanessa Bryant: Let’s go – put it on. [ Kobe wraps the bracelet around Vanessa’s wrist ] And what else.
Kobe Bryant: [ thinking ] Oh. And “Live, from –“
Vanessa Bryant: Oh, hell no! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“