Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 3
Halle Berry’s Monologue
Halle Berry: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Wow, I am so excited to be here tonight – thank you! I’m so excited, but first – what about those Yankees, huh? [ audience cheers ] They’re in the World Series, wow! I love live television! I’ve only been on live television twice. One of those times, I was getting that ltitle gold guy – the Oscar. [ audience cheers ] And the other time.. I got a big, big surprise.[ cut to Lorne Michaels speaking with Britney Spears backstage ]
Lorne Michaels: Honestly, Britney. I just think people are expecting you and Halle to kiss.
Britney Spears: I don’t.. I don’t know, Lorne. I already did that Madonna thing at the VMAs – it’s, like, already done, you know?
Lorne Michaels: That was cable. I don’t think that many people watch MTV.
Britney Spears: I’m pretty sure they do.
Lorne Michaels: Actually, it’s not so much the Madonna thing – it’s mroe about the Oscars. Remember when Adrian Brody kissed Halle? If you did that, it would be hilarious!
Britney Spears: Noooo, no.. I don’t think so..
Lorne Michaels: Look, I understand if you’re not attracted to her.
Britney Spears: No, oh my God, I am! I’m not saying that at all, I just —
Lorne Michaels: Jimmy? Let me get your opinion on this. Do you think Britney and Halle —
Jimmy Fallon: [ without hesitating ] Yes! Definitely.
Britney Spears: No. I know people would like to see it —
Tina Fey: What, like in the monologue?
Lorne Michaels: The monologue, or later in the show.. it doesn’t even have to be on camera.
Tina Fey: I don’t know. I think people saw the Madonna thing.. and it’s played out.[ Lorne punches Tina in the face ]
Lorne Michaels: Tina’s not a typical female viewer..
Jimmy Fallon: No.
Lorne Michaels: Listen.. Halle’s really into this..[ suddenly, Halle Berry walks up ]
Halle Berry: Okay, look, look.. I know I’m new to this thing, but.. when the host is out there on the stage in front of the audience, shouldn’t the camera be on her?
Lorne Michaels: ..Most of the time. It’s not a hard, fast rule. You kow Britney?[ Halle and Britney greet one another ]
Lorne Michaels: I was just explaining to Britney —
Halle Berry: Oh, no.. He’s not trying to get you to do the kiss thing, is he?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.
Halle Berry: [ sighs ] Lorne, I told you all week long – I’m not gonna do it!
Lorne Michaels: If you won’t do it for me.. do it for those poor Cubs fans.
Lorne Michaels: Red Sox fans?
Lorne Michaels: I wouldn’t do this.. but I am ready to write a check to your favorite charity, for $100 each!
Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Pretty good.
Lorne Michaels: Alright, alright.. I hear you. How about this – why don’t you take Britney up on the stage.. see how it feels.. see what happesn.
Halle Berry: Okay, fine. Come on, Britney..
Britney Spears: Let’s go..[ Halle and Britney exit back to Home Base ]
Jimmy Fallon: [ excited ] I think they’re gonna do it! I can’t believe you talked them into it!
Lorne Michaels: Yeah, they will, but I’ll tell you, Jimmy – sometimes.. I hate this job.
Jimmy Fallon: [ a beat ] Wanna watch it in my dressing room?
Lorne Michaels: Sure.[ Lorne and Jimmy exit the scene ] [ cut back to Home Base ]
Halle Berry: Okay. Here’s the thing: it’s not that we mind kissing..
Britney Spears: No, no.. not at all!
Halle Berry: But.. you know if we do, you know what the cover of US Weekly would look like, don’t you?[ they move their lips in close for a near-kiss, as cameras flash ]
Britney Spears: Yeah! You know, and.. like, let’s not do that. Maybe I’ll do it in my first song, or something like that.. like, another song.
Halle Berry: Yeah, maybe if, like, you guys want it bad enough.[ audience cheers ]
Halle Berry: Hey, listen – we have a greet show for you tonight.
Britney Spears: I’m here!
Halle Berry: So stick around. We’ll be right back!