SNL Transcripts: Halle Berry: 10/18/03: Halle Berry’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Halle Berry’s Monologue

…..Halle Berry
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Britney Spears
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey

Halle Berry: Thank you! Thank you very much! Wow! Wow, I am so excited to be here tonight – thank you! I’m so excited, but first – what about those Yankees, huh? [ audience cheers ] They’re in the World Series, wow! I love live television! I’ve only been on live television twice. One of those times, I was getting that ltitle gold guy – the Oscar. [ audience cheers ] And the other time.. I got a big, big surprise.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels speaking with Britney Spears backstage ]

Lorne Michaels: Honestly, Britney. I just think people are expecting you and Halle to kiss.

Britney Spears: I don’t.. I don’t know, Lorne. I already did that Madonna thing at the VMAs – it’s, like, already done, you know?

Lorne Michaels: That was cable. I don’t think that many people watch MTV.

Britney Spears: I’m pretty sure they do.

Lorne Michaels: Actually, it’s not so much the Madonna thing – it’s mroe about the Oscars. Remember when Adrian Brody kissed Halle? If you did that, it would be hilarious!

Britney Spears: Noooo, no.. I don’t think so..

Lorne Michaels: Look, I understand if you’re not attracted to her.

Britney Spears: No, oh my God, I am! I’m not saying that at all, I just —

[ Jimmy Fallon passes through the hall ]

Lorne Michaels: Jimmy? Let me get your opinion on this. Do you think Britney and Halle —

Jimmy Fallon: [ without hesitating ] Yes! Definitely.

Britney Spears: No. I know people would like to see it —

[ Tina Fey passes down the hall ]
Lorne Michaels: Tina, Tina! Do you think, uh.. Britney and Halle should kiss?

Tina Fey: What, like in the monologue?

Lorne Michaels: The monologue, or later in the show.. it doesn’t even have to be on camera.

Tina Fey: I don’t know. I think people saw the Madonna thing.. and it’s played out.

[ Lorne punches Tina in the face ]

Lorne Michaels: Tina’s not a typical female viewer..

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Lorne Michaels: Listen.. Halle’s really into this..

[ suddenly, Halle Berry walks up ]

Halle Berry: Okay, look, look.. I know I’m new to this thing, but.. when the host is out there on the stage in front of the audience, shouldn’t the camera be on her?

Lorne Michaels: ..Most of the time. It’s not a hard, fast rule. You kow Britney?

[ Halle and Britney greet one another ]

Lorne Michaels: I was just explaining to Britney —

Halle Berry: Oh, no.. He’s not trying to get you to do the kiss thing, is he?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Halle Berry: [ sighs ] Lorne, I told you all week long – I’m not gonna do it!

Lorne Michaels: If you won’t do it for me.. do it for those poor Cubs fans.

Together: Nooooooooo!!

Lorne Michaels: Red Sox fans?

Together: Nooooooooo!!

Lorne Michaels: I wouldn’t do this.. but I am ready to write a check to your favorite charity, for $100 each!

Jimmy Fallon: Wow. Pretty good.

Together: NO!!

Lorne Michaels: Alright, alright.. I hear you. How about this – why don’t you take Britney up on the stage.. see how it feels.. see what happesn.

Halle Berry: Okay, fine. Come on, Britney..

Britney Spears: Let’s go..

[ Halle and Britney exit back to Home Base ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ excited ] I think they’re gonna do it! I can’t believe you talked them into it!

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, they will, but I’ll tell you, Jimmy – sometimes.. I hate this job.

Jimmy Fallon: [ a beat ] Wanna watch it in my dressing room?

Lorne Michaels: Sure.

[ Lorne and Jimmy exit the scene ]

[ cut back to Home Base ]

Halle Berry: Okay. Here’s the thing: it’s not that we mind kissing..

Britney Spears: No, no.. not at all!

Halle Berry: But.. you know if we do, you know what the cover of US Weekly would look like, don’t you?

[ they move their lips in close for a near-kiss, as cameras flash ]

Britney Spears: Yeah! You know, and.. like, let’s not do that. Maybe I’ll do it in my first song, or something like that.. like, another song.

Halle Berry: Yeah, maybe if, like, you guys want it bad enough.

[ audience cheers ]

Halle Berry: Hey, listen – we have a greet show for you tonight.

Britney Spears: I’m here!

Halle Berry: So stick around. We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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