Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 3
03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears
Quick Ones
Female Employee #1…..Halle Berry
Female Employee #2…..Amy Poehler
Male Employee #1…..Will Forte
Male Employee #2…..Seth Meyers
[ open on Female Employee #1 talking on the phone ]
Female Employee #1: I’m sorry, honey. I just can’t get away. I know we had a big night planned – don’t you think I know that? There’s just no time. I’ll call.
Female Employee #2: [ enters ] Oh, boy.. that didn’t sound good.
Female Employee #1: [ sighs ] It’s Randy. We never have time for each other any more.
Female Employee #2: I know how that goes.
Female Employee #1: I could really use a night of intimacy. You know what I mean?
Female Employee #2: Have you ever tried these? [ pulls a bottle of pills from her pocket ]
[ music slides up ]
Female Employee #2: They’re called Quick Ones. They’re chewable! Check this out! [ swallows a couple of pills ] In just seconds, I’ll experience a natural and efficient climax. Here it goes.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. uh-huh.. um, that’s good.. okay, enjoyable, really great.. I’m about to.. oh, wow.. great.. really great. That’s all! It’s that fast! Completelty fulfilling sexual gratification in just seconds!
Female Employee #1: I’m always on the go.
Female Employee #2: Here!
Female Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Mmm! Minty! I like that. And I like this.. Oh yes, thank you.. that’s it, it’s working.. I like it.. building.. going good.. very enjoyable.. wonderful.. yes.. yes.. Wow!All done. That’s fantastic!
Female Employee #2: I told you! It’s called Quick Ones!
Male Employee #1: [ enters ] I couldn’t help overhearing. Who’s got the Quick Ones?
Female Employee #1: For him, too?
Female Employee #2: Yes, for him, too..
Male Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Hey, this is great.. it’s happening.. I like it.. I like it more.. now it’s really great.. here it goes.. whee-ee-ee! All done. [ snores ] Well, back to the ol’ grindstone!
[ female employees laugh ]
Announcer: Quick Ones. Clinical.. effective.. mindblowing.
Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey, guys, they want you in the meeting.
Female Employee #1: Just tell them.. we’re coming!
[ they all laugh ]
[ fade ]
