SNL Transcripts: Halle Berry: 10/18/03: Quick Ones


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Quick Ones

Female Employee #1…..Halle Berry
Female Employee #2…..Amy Poehler
Male Employee #1…..Will Forte
Male Employee #2…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Female Employee #1 talking on the phone ]

Female Employee #1: I’m sorry, honey. I just can’t get away. I know we had a big night planned – don’t you think I know that? There’s just no time. I’ll call.

Female Employee #2: [ enters ] Oh, boy.. that didn’t sound good.

Female Employee #1: [ sighs ] It’s Randy. We never have time for each other any more.

Female Employee #2: I know how that goes.

Female Employee #1: I could really use a night of intimacy. You know what I mean?

Female Employee #2: Have you ever tried these? [ pulls a bottle of pills from her pocket ] [ music slides up ]

Female Employee #2: They’re called Quick Ones. They’re chewable! Check this out! [ swallows a couple of pills ] In just seconds, I’ll experience a natural and efficient climax. Here it goes.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. uh-huh.. um, that’s good.. okay, enjoyable, really great.. I’m about to.. oh, wow.. great.. really great. That’s all! It’s that fast! Completelty fulfilling sexual gratification in just seconds!

Female Employee #1: I’m always on the go.

Female Employee #2: Here!

Female Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Mmm! Minty! I like that. And I like this.. Oh yes, thank you.. that’s it, it’s working.. I like it.. building.. going good.. very enjoyable.. wonderful.. yes.. yes.. Wow!All done. That’s fantastic!

Female Employee #2: I told you! It’s called Quick Ones!

Male Employee #1: [ enters ] I couldn’t help overhearing. Who’s got the Quick Ones?

Female Employee #1: For him, too?

Female Employee #2: Yes, for him, too..

Male Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Hey, this is great.. it’s happening.. I like it.. I like it more.. now it’s really great.. here it goes.. whee-ee-ee! All done. [ snores ] Well, back to the ol’ grindstone!

[ female employees laugh ]

Announcer: Quick Ones. Clinical.. effective.. mindblowing.

Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey, guys, they want you in the meeting.

Female Employee #1: Just tell them.. we’re coming!

[ they all laugh ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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