SNL Transcripts: Halle Berry: 10/18/03: Quick Ones

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears

Quick Ones

Female Employee #1…..Halle Berry
Female Employee #2…..Amy Poehler
Male Employee #1…..Will Forte
Male Employee #2…..Seth Meyers

[ open on Female Employee #1 talking on the phone ]

Female Employee #1: I’m sorry, honey. I just can’t get away. I know we had a big night planned – don’t you think I know that? There’s just no time. I’ll call.

Female Employee #2: [ enters ] Oh, boy.. that didn’t sound good.

Female Employee #1: [ sighs ] It’s Randy. We never have time for each other any more.

Female Employee #2: I know how that goes.

Female Employee #1: I could really use a night of intimacy. You know what I mean?

Female Employee #2: Have you ever tried these? [ pulls a bottle of pills from her pocket ] [ music slides up ]

Female Employee #2: They’re called Quick Ones. They’re chewable! Check this out! [ swallows a couple of pills ] In just seconds, I’ll experience a natural and efficient climax. Here it goes.. oh, yeah.. yeah.. uh-huh.. um, that’s good.. okay, enjoyable, really great.. I’m about to.. oh, wow.. great.. really great. That’s all! It’s that fast! Completelty fulfilling sexual gratification in just seconds!

Female Employee #1: I’m always on the go.

Female Employee #2: Here!

Female Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Mmm! Minty! I like that. And I like this.. Oh yes, thank you.. that’s it, it’s working.. I like it.. building.. going good.. very enjoyable.. wonderful.. yes.. yes.. Wow!All done. That’s fantastic!

Female Employee #2: I told you! It’s called Quick Ones!

Male Employee #1: [ enters ] I couldn’t help overhearing. Who’s got the Quick Ones?

Female Employee #1: For him, too?

Female Employee #2: Yes, for him, too..

Male Employee #1: [ swallows a couple of the pills ] Hey, this is great.. it’s happening.. I like it.. I like it more.. now it’s really great.. here it goes.. whee-ee-ee! All done. [ snores ] Well, back to the ol’ grindstone!

[ female employees laugh ]

Announcer: Quick Ones. Clinical.. effective.. mindblowing.

Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey, guys, they want you in the meeting.

Female Employee #1: Just tell them.. we’re coming!

[ they all laugh ] [ fade ]

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