SNL Transcripts: Halle Berry: 10/18/03: Speedreader


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears


Speedreader…..Will Forte
Jasmine…..Halle Berry

[ Jasmine, an attractive woman, sits at a bar ] [ scruffy-looking guy enters scene, slams a book on the bar counter, then takes a seat next to Jasmine. He opens his book and quickly flips through the pages in fan motion. ]

Speedreader: I just read fifty pages.

Jasmine: Good for you.

Speedreader: [ cocky ] Great.. for me!

Jasmine: [ not interested ] Yeah.. whatever.

Speedreader: [ leans in to sniff Jasmine’s hair ] Mmm.. you smell delicious.

Jasmine: Get lost!

Speedreader: [ more cocky ] Find me!

Jasmine: [ acknowledging an offscreen bartender ] Uh.. I’d like to close my tab please. Thank you.

Speedreader: So, uh.. have you ever been with a speedreader?

Jasmine: What?

Speedreader: I mean, have you ever.. been.. with.. a speedreader?

Jasmine: Look, I don’t know who you think you are —

Speedreader: [ with great intensity ] I’m a man who can read 100 pages in the blink of an eye! A man who can ingest the written word with the force and fury of thunder!! Now would you like to be with me.. in a sex-u-al way. [ a pause ] I’ll give you a little time to think about it, while I finish off this book about Humphrey Bogart. [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the book on the counter ] Done! So.. what’s it gonna be.. [ in Bogey fashion ] ..schweetheart?

Jasmine: Did you really just read that whole thing?

Speedreader: Frig, yeah!

Jasmine: Wow.. I mean, that’s pretty amazing. But it doesn’t change anything. I’m still gonna get my bill and go.

Speedreader: That’s what you, uh.. wanna do. Don’t mind me. [ grabs book from below counter ] I’ll just be sitting here, uh.. reading the bible.

Jasmine: Yeah, you do that.

Speedreader: Yeah, I will! [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the bible on the counter ] Done! Poooor Jesus.

Jasmine: You know what? I really didn’t come here to meet anybody tonight.

Speedreader: Hey, don’t make up your mind right away – take your time. You know.. I’ve got a big dic.. [ reaches behind counter to pull up a thicker book ] ..tionary. That I can, uh.. read while I’m waiting. [ quickly flips trough the pages and slams the dictionary on the counter ] Done! “Adjective; of or pertaining to completion!

Jasmine: Alright. Let’s go to my place.

Speedreader: [ chuckles ] You know, if.. lovemaking has a name, it may very well be my name.

Jasmine: And your name is?

Speedreader: Gary And your name is Jasmine! I read it on your driver’s license earlier, and I read it fast!

Jasmine: [ sultry ] Enough with the talk, let’s do this thing!

Speedreader: [ inches closer to Jasmine, eye-to-eye ] Ohhh, we just did – twice! Yeah, I am that fast! And, don’t worry, it was good for me, too. Good night, my lady!

[ Speedreader makes his trimuphant exit, leaving Jasmine dumbfounded by the turn of events ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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