Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 3
[ Jasmine, an attractive woman, sits at a bar ]
[ scruffy-looking guy enters scene, slams a book on the bar counter, then takes a seat next to Jasmine. He opens his book and quickly flips through the pages in fan motion. ]
Speedreader: I just read fifty pages.
Jasmine: Good for you.
Speedreader: [ cocky ] Great.. for me!
Jasmine: [ not interested ] Yeah.. whatever.
Speedreader: [ leans in to sniff Jasmine’s hair ] Mmm.. you smell delicious.
Jasmine: Get lost!
Speedreader: [ more cocky ] Find me!
Jasmine: [ acknowledging an offscreen bartender ] Uh.. I’d like to close my tab please. Thank you.
Speedreader: So, uh.. have you ever been with a speedreader?
Speedreader: I mean, have you ever.. been.. with.. a speedreader?
Jasmine: Look, I don’t know who you think you are —
Speedreader: [ with great intensity ] I’m a man who can read 100 pages in the blink of an eye! A man who can ingest the written word with the force and fury of thunder!! Now would you like to be with me.. in a sex-u-al way. [ a pause ] I’ll give you a little time to think about it, while I finish off this book about Humphrey Bogart. [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the book on the counter ] Done! So.. what’s it gonna be.. [ in Bogey fashion ] ..schweetheart?
Jasmine: Did you really just read that whole thing?
Speedreader: Frig, yeah!
Jasmine: Wow.. I mean, that’s pretty amazing. But it doesn’t change anything. I’m still gonna get my bill and go.
Speedreader: That’s what you, uh.. wanna do. Don’t mind me. [ grabs book from below counter ] I’ll just be sitting here, uh.. reading the bible.
Jasmine: Yeah, you do that.
Speedreader: Yeah, I will! [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the bible on the counter ] Done! Poooor Jesus.
Jasmine: You know what? I really didn’t come here to meet anybody tonight.
Speedreader: Hey, don’t make up your mind right away – take your time. You know.. I’ve got a big dic.. [ reaches behind counter to pull up a thicker book ] ..tionary. That I can, uh.. read while I’m waiting. [ quickly flips trough the pages and slams the dictionary on the counter ] Done! “Adjective; of or pertaining to completion!“
Jasmine: Alright. Let’s go to my place.
Speedreader: [ chuckles ] You know, if.. lovemaking has a name, it may very well be my name.
Jasmine: And your name is?
Speedreader: Gary And your name is Jasmine! I read it on your driver’s license earlier, and I read it fast!
Jasmine: [ sultry ] Enough with the talk, let’s do this thing!
Speedreader: [ inches closer to Jasmine, eye-to-eye ] Ohhh, we just did – twice! Yeah, I am that fast! And, don’t worry, it was good for me, too. Good night, my lady!
[ Speedreader makes his trimuphant exit, leaving Jasmine dumbfounded by the turn of events ]
[ fade ]