Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 3
03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears
Don Zimmer’s Sports Spectacular
Don Zimmer…..Horatio Sanz
Bob Costas…..Darrell Hammond
Pete Rose…..Jeff Richards
Cindy Cooper…..Halle Berry
Presenter…..Will Forte
(Opens with Don Zimmer Sports Spectacular logo. DonZimmer sits in a TV studio surrounded by Yankeesmemorabilia and the presenter dressed as an umpireremoves the catcher mitt and sings)
Presenter: THE DON ZIMMER’S SPORTS SPECTACULAR!!!
(Leaves)
Don Zimmer: Let’s play ball! I’m Don Zimmer andwelcome to my Sports Spectacular. Where I talk to thebiggest names bar none in sports. And speaking of bignames they don’t get any bigger than my old pal,PeteyRose!(In comes Pete Rose, shakes hands with Don, sitsdown)Hey!, Pete Rose! How you doing, buddy? How youdoing you old sourpuss!?
Pete Rose: Good to see you, you big melon head.
Don Zimmer: Hey, how about them Yankees! Huh? Ha,ha! They’regonna win the World Series, ain’t they?
Pete Rose: They’ll win it if you keep running out andposing pictures with that big ol’ head of yours.
Don Zimmer: Oh, come off it. I don’t want to talk about that.I’m ashamed of myself. I shouldn’t ougtha done it!Baaa!
Pete Rose: Ha! It looked like a butterball turkey goingdown.
(Don is getting angry)
Don Zimmer: I said knock it off, Pete.
Pete Rose: Have you seen the tape? It’s funny, man. It’sreally funny.
Don Zimmer: You’re getting me mad over here!
Pete Rose: I had a good ol’ laugh old buddy. I really did.
Don Zimmer: Aww! Now, you got me too mad now!(Don gets up andcharges Pete)Here I come!Aaahhh!!(Pete grabs him bythe head and slams him to the ground, baseball capflies off, Pete sits down)Oh, boy! Oh, I bumped myhead again!
Pete Rose: I’m sorry, Zim!
(Don gets up, addresses the audience at home)
Don Zimmer: Look at me, what I done again. I’m ashamed ofmyself. I’m embarrassed. I got nothing more to say onthat.(Don sits down)My next guest loves the game ofbaseball, almost as much as me. Here he is, BobCostas. (In walks Bob, shakes hands with Pete and thenwith Don, sits next to Pete)Bobby how are ya’?. Goodto see ya’.
Bob Costas: Zim, you’re resplendent as ever.
(Don is confused)
Don Zimmer: What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Bob Costas: As per usual, the Zimmer has let the Englishlanguage utterly daze and confuse him and yet in hisprodigious infant-like head there’s a veritablebaseball encyclopedia.
Don Zimmer: Gosh!, Bob if I knew what you were saying I’dsock you in the snap box for saying something likethat!
Bob Costas: Look, all I’m saying is I have nothing but thegreatest respect for you and for what you’ve given tothe game.(Don gets angry)
Don Zimmer: Well, it’s too late now cause I’m getting steamednow!
Bob Costas: Oh, come on! I was just playfully jousting withyou.
(Don gets ready to charge again, Bob gets up)
Don Zimmer: Well, get ready to take your lumps!Aahhh!!!(Doncharges,Bob takes his head effortlessly and slams himto the floor again) Oh,no!Oh,boy!! Oh, brother!Now,I’m really embarrassed. (Don gets up talks directly atthe viewer at home watching)I embarrassed my familyagain. I embarrassed the Yankees. Oh, I’m ashamed atwhat I done. I got nothing more to say on thesubject.(Sits down)
Bob Costas: Look, maybe you ought to cut the show shorttonight, Don.
Don Zimmer: It’s OK. I’ve got a swell gal coming out here.She’s a ball girl over at Fenway Park up in Boston. Ijust want to show them I ain’t sore at the Red Sox’s.So here she is, Cindy Cooper.(In walks Cindy, sitsnext to Bob Costas)
Cindy Cooper: Thank you. I want to thank you Mr.Zimmer for showing that there are no hard feelings.
Don Zimmer: Awww, who am I kidding? I lied. I’m still prettyhot over what happened with Pedro and the rest of thelousy bums.
Pete Rose: Knock it off, Don. She’s a girl.
Cindy Cooper: I can handle myself. I’ve seen the tape. Youjust point his head away and let the momentum take himdown.
(Don is mad as hell)
Don Zimmer: Oh, nuttin doing!!I got more moves than MordecaiBrown!! Look out girly!! Here comes a whole lot of Mr.Zim!!!Aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!(Charges Cindy for one last timeand she gently takes him by the head and slams him onthe floor)Oh,no!!
Cindy Cooper: Oh, did I hurt him?
(Pete and Bob get up)
Pete Rose: Oh, he’ll be up in a minute.
Bob Costas: Boy, let’s get out of here before we have to dumphim again.(The 3 of them leaving Don on the floor)
Don Zimmer: Hey! Where are y’all going? Oh, boy! (Don getsup) Well, of course, I’m ashamed at what I done. Oh,Gosh! I’m embarrassed. I made a mess of everything.
(Fanfare music, logo and presenter appear again and hesings)
Presenter: THE DON ZIMMER’S SPORTS SPECTACULAR!!!
(Don walks away embarrassed)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel
