SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Access Hollywood


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon
Renee Zelwegger….Kelly Ripa
Mortimer Barnswallow….Horatio Sanz

(Opens with logo of Access Hollywood, Pat stands inthe studio, TV set behind him reads Renee Zelweggergets fat)

Announcer: Lights! Camera! Access!

Pat O’Brien: (very nasal voice) Welcome back to AccessHollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien. Scientists tell me thatthe space in my nasal cavity is so dense that nothingcan escape it. Not even light. Word around town isthat Ms. Renee Zelwegger packing on the pounds for herupcoming role to the sequel to “Bridget Jone’s Diary”.She’s not kidding, it looks like Bridget is jonesingfor “dairy” products. Last week I caught up with Reneeto get to the bottom of her really big bottom.

(Show’s logo. Lights! Camera! Access! Pat sits on achair and Renee sits on a couch. She barely has hereyes open, tiny slits looking away from Pat)

Pat O’Brien: Renee good to see you. 40 pounds heavier but youwear it well. You’re looking fantastic. I’m over here.Hey! (one clap, she faces him) I’m over here!

Renee Zelwegger: Oh, thanks Pat. Yep, 40 pounds andI’m carrying about 80% of it in my cheeks and lips.

Pat O’Brien: But you didn’t do it alone. Is thatright?

Renee Zelwegger: That’s right Pat. When I learn a newaccent for a movie I work with a dialect coach. Andwhen I need to gain weight for a role I work with anobesity coach.

Pat O’Brien: Ha, ha! And not just any obesity coach.You work with the best in the biz. The legendaryMortimer Barnswallow and he’s here tonight.

(3 Beeps are heard,a motorized wheelchair slowlyappears with fat as hell Mortimer Barnswallow on it.)

Pat O’Brien: Yep, there he is. He’s here. Take yourtime Mortimer.

(Mortimer slowly walks to the couch and sits next toRenee lifting the whole side of the couch that Reneeis sitting on. Her feet don’t touch the ground.)

Pat O’Brien: Mortimer good to see you. Now we shouldlet people know as far as obesity coaches go you’re atthe top of the list.

Mortimer Barnswallow: (snotty voice)I’m the greatestobesity coach of this generation. I use Viennasausages like tic-tacs. I butter my Oreos. And Ihaven’t had a bowel movement in nearly 3 years.

(Ripa is about to crack up laughing)

Renee Zelwegger: I begged the studio to set me up withMortimer after being so impressed with his otherclients.

Mortimer Barnswallow: You’ve no doubt seen my workbefore. Kristie Alley(photo of Kristie circa CHEERS,changes to another photo of Kristie fat, eyes closed,uncombed hair)Matthew Perry hired me.(Double chinphoto of Matthew)Then he fired me(Slim photo ofMatthew)Then he hired me again(Fatty photo ofMatthew)Like the guy who plays Scotty on “StarTrek”(black and white photo of young actor, change tophoto of fatter, older, white haired Scotty)

Pat O’Brien: Wow! Unbelievable, sir!

Mortimer Barnswallow: I’ll never forget what he saidto me when I force-fed him his third helping of beefstroganoff.

Pat O’Brien: What was that?

Mortimer Barnswallow:(Scottish accent)Captain! I’m-agiving it all she’s got but my colon, she cannot takeit no more!(Ripa looks away to stifle laughter)

Pat O’Brien: Renee, you’ve got to tell me. What is itlike to be working with a living legend like MortimerBarnswallow?

Renee Zelwegger: It was fantastic! He is a legend. Didyou know that he finished Mamma Cass’s last hamsandwich?

Mortimer Barnswallow: There’s more residual nutritionin my flatulence than in most American schoolslunches.

Renee Zelwegger: That’s true.

Mortimer Barnswallow: But obesity isn’t rocket sciencePat. There is so many things people can do to becomedangerously obese. For instance, 2 Twinkies instead ofone.

(Struggles to get up off the couch, groans, gets upand the side lifting Renee up in the air crashes down.Mortimer with 2 Twinkies in his hand sits, Renee isagain suspended in the air)

Mortimer Barnswallow: Simply place 2 of the Twinkiesback to back like so. (Joins the 2 Twinkies) Andsqueeze and stuff like this.(In one swift motion hepushes the 2 Twinkies into his mouth)

Pat O’Brien: You see that?! Did you see that??!He ate2 Twinkies at once!

Renee Zelwegger: I can’t see.

Pat O’Brien: I can’t breathe.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I can’t wash myself without abroom handle and a sponge.(Ripa hides her face butshoulders bounce giving away her cracking up)Forgiveme! I’m simply parched under these studiolights.(Picks up white bottle)Ah, Alfredo sauce,anyone?(Gulps it down)

Pat O’Brien: No, thank you Mortimer. No, thank youbuddy. I’m good. Renee tough as it may have been itlooks like it had the desired effect.

Renee Zelwegger: Actually, no. I completed the entireregiment and did everything he told me and when Ishowed up for my first screen test this is what Ilooked like.(Photo of morbidly obese Renee)

Pat O’Brien: Good God! La Boo! Yikes!

Renee Zelwegger: Ha, at first they didn’t think it was me. Theytried to direct me to the set for “The Klumps Part 3”.

Pat O’Brien: Of course.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I thought she looked quitefetching.

Renee Zelwegger: But I wasn’t quite what they werelooking for Bridget Jones. So 8 months and severalhundred thousands dollars in liposuction later I wasready to begin shooting.

Pat O’Brien: Out of sight. Mortimer Barnswallow andRenee Zelwegger. We’ll be right back with more AccessHollywood right after this. Wait till you see what mygood friend Keanu Reeves is up to. (long pause)Waittill you see what happens on “Friends” thisweek.(pause) I’m Pat O’Brien.

(Walks off camera, Access Hollywood logo appears.Light!Camera!Access!)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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