SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Leilani Burke: Pet Psychic


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Leilani Burke: Pet Psychic

Leilani Burke…..Maya Rudolph
Leslie Collins…..Kelly Ripa
Terry Jerome…..Horatio Sanz
Chrissy Morten…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: And now its time for Leilani Burke:PetPsychic. With your host Leilani Burke.

(In Leilani’s set, orange is the predominant color.Set is orange, Leilani is a red head, and she’sdressed in mostly orange hippie attire. Three guestssit with Leilani)

Leilani Burke: (soft, soulful voice) Oh, thank you Glenn. Oh,hello. I’m Leilani. And we have a very special showtoday. (Soft instrumental music plays, she gets up andsings)Tiny paws and fur behinds, don’t be fooled theygot big minds, just stick around you’re right on time,for “The Leilani Burke Show”.(Applause, she sitsdown)Thank you. Aww, yeah, I thought that was prettyneat too. I hope you liked that song. I feel I shouldmention that I recorded it at my at-home studio whereI use a wonderful 3,000 cord electronic keyboard. It’sjust a hobby. That is if you consider what you wereborn to do, a hobby. Let’s say hello to our firstguests. Keanu is a beautiful cat and her owner isstay-at-home mom Leslie Collins. Hey, you two!

(Leslie is a plain looking housewife holding a brown cat)

Lesslie Collins: Hi, Leilani. Thanks for having us.

Leilani Burke: Oh, sure. So what brings you here today.

Lesslie Collins: Well, I’ve had Keanu since I was incollege, but I got married and I had some kids and acouple of years ago it just seems there’s somedistance between us.

Leilani Burke: Yeah, cat feelings are very complicated,Leslie. You may not know this but in cat’s languagethere are over 200 words for string. Come here Keanu,let’s have a talk.(Picks cat up and talks to it)Howyou doing? Nice to meet you too mister. What’s that?My song? You liked it? Well, thank you. I think itdoes show off my range. No, an 8 track. No, I only usea 4 track. Yeah, people think it sounds like an 8track but I dump it all down to the one track andbuild up on that. No, actually i don’t have arecording contract. Really? You know Phil Stiles atKingpin Records?! Well, I would love to give you ademo tape. I am really glad we had a chance to talktoo, Keanu.

Lesslie Collins: Are you saying my cat knows a record producer?

Leilani Burke: Well, not just any record producer, THE Phil Stiles.

Lesslie Collins: When would my cat have a chance to meet Phil Stiles?

Leilani Burke: You know, I think you have to pay a littlebit more attention to your cat’s schedule.

Lesslie Collins: Doesn’t he has anything to say about me?

Leilani Burke: Let me ask him. Hey, buddy. What do you thinkabout Leslie? Yeah, I know! Ha,ha,ha! It’s true! Sheis very needy. Yeah, your relationship is great.(Gives cat back to a stumped Leslie) Moving right along, what do we have over here?

(Fat, nerdy looking guy holds a yellow bird in a birdcage)

Terry Jerome: Hi. I’m Terry Jerome. And this is mybest friend Barbara.(Holds cage up)

Leilani Burke: OK. Now Terry, I understand that you co-own a pottery shop.

Terry Jerome: That’s right, Leilani. I own a great little place where people can do their own pottery. It’s called “Welcome Back, Potter”

Lesslie Collins: That’s so funny. You know, I met my husband in a pottery class.

Leilani Burke: (kind of snippy)Boy, you really do need a lot of attention, don’t you?! So Terry, what’s going on with Barbara?

Terry Jerome: Well Leilani, Barbara is is very special to me and I just wanna know if she loves me as much as I love her.

Leilani Burke: Well that’s great Terry. Why don’t I ask himmyself? (To Leslie)If that’s OK with you!(Grabsbirdcage, talks to the bird)Come on Barbara. What’sthat? Oh, you like my lyrics? Well, thanks. So many ofthem come straight from my own journals that I juststarted calling my journals my song books. Yeah, youdid? Well, I had lunch with Phil Stiles too. Really?Well, I guess he takes everyone to “The FettuchinniFactory”. Uh?, no I didn’t. I had a salad. What?Phil?! Well, I guess there was a mild flirtation.

Terry Jerome: Leilani, does my bird love me?

Leilani Burke: Well, she loves you but she’s not in love with you. (Gives birdcage back to Jerome) She hopes you understand. Well, I think that about wraps up our show.

Chrissy Morten: Hey! What about me?

Leilani Burke: Oh, my Goodness! We have another guest! Iforgot. That is the fourth show in a row that I havedone that Glenn. I’m sorry ma’am. And you are?

(Ugly looking Chrissy switches places with Leslie,sits next to Leilani, she holds a plastic fishbowlwith a turtle in it)

Chrissy Morten: Chrissy Morten and this is my turtleRupert. Leilani, we had a turtle race for charity atmy church and Rupert came in second. He’s beendepressed ever since. He’ll always be a winner to me.I just wish he felt that way about himself.

(Gives Leilani the plastic fishbowl, Leilani talks toRupert the turtle)

Leilani Burke: Yeah, let me have a talk with him. Hello,Rupert. What’s that? Yeah, I know how you feel. You’redisappointed in yourself. I know. Listen, I was reallyangry with myself when I slept with Phil Stile’sassistant. Yes, I did have some wine. Hmm? PinotGrigio. Just a glass. All right, a carafe. (gettingangry)All right, it was a box of wine!(very angry) Allright, it was a box of paint thinner and when I wokeup I could talk to animals!(gives turtle back)

Chrissy Morten: I feel uncomfortable.

Leilani Burke: That’s great!(soft, delicate)Well, that was aterrific show. I had a blast. I’m Leilani Burke andyou’ve been watching(sings)”The Leilani Burke Show”.

(Show’s logo appears)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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