SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Center for Cow Fart Study


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Center for Cow Fart Study

Larry…..Will Forte
Carl…..Fred Armisen
Debbie…..Kelly Ripa

[open on exterior of building with sign: “University of Nebraska Environmental and Bovine Research Center”] [dissolve to interior, with Larry sitting in a small, round room with the rear ends of cows and several wall-mounted measuring devices] [cow flatulence]

Larry: Excellent

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Very interesting. Methane levels standard positive.

[Carl knocks at door and enters]

Carl: Larry, your wife’s here to see you.

Larry: What? Not now, Carl. I’m very busy.

Carl: I think she’s coming in right now, man.

[Debbie enters]

Larry: Debbie, what’re you doing here?!

Debbie: Larry, we have to talk.

Larry: I can’t talk now. I thought I made it very clear: I cannot be bothered at work. My work is too important.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: It’s not too important for what I have to say to you.

Larry: This can’t wait?

Debbie: No, it cannot. I’m leaving you, Larry.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: That’s just great. I just missed an emissions reading. Great.

Debbie: Are you listening to me?! It’s over, Larry!

Larry: You would leave me now, when I’m so close to finishing my work?

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Your work? Larry, your work is a joke!

Larry: I will not stand for that. My work is not a joke.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Do you know what it’s like to have to tell all my friends that my husband sits around in a room full of cow asses and waits for them to fart?

Larry: If they were educated, they would know that methane gases from livestock are affecting our climate. The Earth’s temperature is rising This is serious stuff.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You study farts.

Larry: My work has nothing to do with farts.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You were saying?

Larry: I don’t study farts.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I study climate changes due to ozone loss. I am a scientist.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Debbie, I know this hasn’t been easy for you.

Debbie: It hasn’t! It just hasn’t! [turns away and weeps] I can’t take it anymore!

Larry: It’s only a year. Maybe three. You could just hang on.

Debbie: But I’m pregnant.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry, it’s no use!

Larry: You’re gonna have a baby? Don’t you see? This changes everything!

Debbie: You would leave all this?

Larry: Well, let me think about this. Can I in good conscience leave this work?

[Larry looks into the distance pensively while Debbie looks at him imploringly and cow flatulence continues to sound]

Larry: I’ve thought it over.

Debbie: And?

Larry: I love you, Debbie.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry. I love you!

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I’ve been a fool! This whole time, worrying day and night about methane, cow farts, thinking the world was in danger. The world wasn’t in danger; it was me. I say goodbye to this. I choose life.

Debbie: I choose it with you, Larry.

Larry: Cow farts. What a waste of time.

[cow flatulence] [dissolve to the Earth as seen from outer space]

Larry: [voice over] Whooooo! This water-skiing sure is fun, Debbie!

Debbie: [voice over] Be careful, honey.

Larry: [voice over] Oh, I will. Boy, it sure is hot today.

Debbie: [voice over] It sure is. Really hot.

[cow flatulence sounds and the Earth bursts into flames]

Voice Over: It’s no joke. Support ozone research. Brought to you by the Center for Cow Fart Study. [logo and title: “CENTER for COW FART STUDY”] [aside] That’s the name you’re going with?

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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