Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 29: Episode 4
Center for Cow Fart Study
[open on exterior of building with sign: “University of Nebraska Environmental and Bovine Research Center”] [dissolve to interior, with Larry sitting in a small, round room with the rear ends of cows and several wall-mounted measuring devices] [cow flatulence]
Larry: Excellent[cow flatulence]
Larry: Very interesting. Methane levels standard positive.[Carl knocks at door and enters]
Carl: Larry, your wife’s here to see you.
Larry: What? Not now, Carl. I’m very busy.
Carl: I think she’s coming in right now, man.[Debbie enters]
Larry: Debbie, what’re you doing here?!
Debbie: Larry, we have to talk.
Larry: I can’t talk now. I thought I made it very clear: I cannot be bothered at work. My work is too important.[cow flatulence]
Debbie: It’s not too important for what I have to say to you.
Larry: This can’t wait?
Debbie: No, it cannot. I’m leaving you, Larry.[cow flatulence]
Larry: That’s just great. I just missed an emissions reading. Great.
Debbie: Are you listening to me?! It’s over, Larry!
Larry: You would leave me now, when I’m so close to finishing my work?[cow flatulence]
Debbie: Your work? Larry, your work is a joke!
Larry: I will not stand for that. My work is not a joke.[cow flatulence]
Debbie: Do you know what it’s like to have to tell all my friends that my husband sits around in a room full of cow asses and waits for them to fart?
Larry: If they were educated, they would know that methane gases from livestock are affecting our climate. The Earth’s temperature is rising This is serious stuff.[cow flatulence]
Debbie: You study farts.
Larry: My work has nothing to do with farts.
Debbie: You were saying?
Larry: I don’t study farts.[cow flatulence]
Larry: I study climate changes due to ozone loss. I am a scientist.[cow flatulence]
Larry: Debbie, I know this hasn’t been easy for you.
Debbie: It hasn’t! It just hasn’t! [turns away and weeps] I can’t take it anymore!
Larry: It’s only a year. Maybe three. You could just hang on.
Debbie: But I’m pregnant.[cow flatulence]
Debbie: Oh, Larry, it’s no use!
Larry: You’re gonna have a baby? Don’t you see? This changes everything!
Debbie: You would leave all this?
Larry: Well, let me think about this. Can I in good conscience leave this work?[Larry looks into the distance pensively while Debbie looks at him imploringly and cow flatulence continues to sound]
Larry: I’ve thought it over.
Larry: I love you, Debbie.[cow flatulence]
Debbie: Oh, Larry. I love you![cow flatulence]
Larry: I’ve been a fool! This whole time, worrying day and night about methane, cow farts, thinking the world was in danger. The world wasn’t in danger; it was me. I say goodbye to this. I choose life.
Debbie: I choose it with you, Larry.
Larry: Cow farts. What a waste of time.[cow flatulence] [dissolve to the Earth as seen from outer space]
Larry: [voice over] Whooooo! This water-skiing sure is fun, Debbie!
Debbie: [voice over] Be careful, honey.
Larry: [voice over] Oh, I will. Boy, it sure is hot today.
Debbie: [voice over] It sure is. Really hot.[cow flatulence sounds and the Earth bursts into flames]
Voice Over: It’s no joke. Support ozone research. Brought to you by the Center for Cow Fart Study. [logo and title: “CENTER for COW FART STUDY”] [aside] That’s the name you’re going with?
Submitted by: DavidK93