SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Center for Cow Fart Study

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Center for Cow Fart Study

Larry…..Will Forte
Carl…..Fred Armisen
Debbie…..Kelly Ripa

[open on exterior of building with sign: “University of Nebraska Environmental and Bovine Research Center”] [dissolve to interior, with Larry sitting in a small, round room with the rear ends of cows and several wall-mounted measuring devices] [cow flatulence]

Larry: Excellent

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Very interesting. Methane levels standard positive.

[Carl knocks at door and enters]

Carl: Larry, your wife’s here to see you.

Larry: What? Not now, Carl. I’m very busy.

Carl: I think she’s coming in right now, man.

[Debbie enters]

Larry: Debbie, what’re you doing here?!

Debbie: Larry, we have to talk.

Larry: I can’t talk now. I thought I made it very clear: I cannot be bothered at work. My work is too important.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: It’s not too important for what I have to say to you.

Larry: This can’t wait?

Debbie: No, it cannot. I’m leaving you, Larry.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: That’s just great. I just missed an emissions reading. Great.

Debbie: Are you listening to me?! It’s over, Larry!

Larry: You would leave me now, when I’m so close to finishing my work?

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Your work? Larry, your work is a joke!

Larry: I will not stand for that. My work is not a joke.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Do you know what it’s like to have to tell all my friends that my husband sits around in a room full of cow asses and waits for them to fart?

Larry: If they were educated, they would know that methane gases from livestock are affecting our climate. The Earth’s temperature is rising This is serious stuff.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You study farts.

Larry: My work has nothing to do with farts.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: You were saying?

Larry: I don’t study farts.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I study climate changes due to ozone loss. I am a scientist.

[cow flatulence]

Larry: Debbie, I know this hasn’t been easy for you.

Debbie: It hasn’t! It just hasn’t! [turns away and weeps] I can’t take it anymore!

Larry: It’s only a year. Maybe three. You could just hang on.

Debbie: But I’m pregnant.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry, it’s no use!

Larry: You’re gonna have a baby? Don’t you see? This changes everything!

Debbie: You would leave all this?

Larry: Well, let me think about this. Can I in good conscience leave this work?

[Larry looks into the distance pensively while Debbie looks at him imploringly and cow flatulence continues to sound]

Larry: I’ve thought it over.

Debbie: And?

Larry: I love you, Debbie.

[cow flatulence]

Debbie: Oh, Larry. I love you!

[cow flatulence]

Larry: I’ve been a fool! This whole time, worrying day and night about methane, cow farts, thinking the world was in danger. The world wasn’t in danger; it was me. I say goodbye to this. I choose life.

Debbie: I choose it with you, Larry.

Larry: Cow farts. What a waste of time.

[cow flatulence] [dissolve to the Earth as seen from outer space]

Larry: [voice over] Whooooo! This water-skiing sure is fun, Debbie!

Debbie: [voice over] Be careful, honey.

Larry: [voice over] Oh, I will. Boy, it sure is hot today.

Debbie: [voice over] It sure is. Really hot.

[cow flatulence sounds and the Earth bursts into flames]

Voice Over: It’s no joke. Support ozone research. Brought to you by the Center for Cow Fart Study. [logo and title: “CENTER for COW FART STUDY”] [aside] That’s the name you’re going with?

Submitted by: DavidK93

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